A Serious Talk

I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay undiscovered before me.
-Isaac Newton

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 14, 1985
Sunday

It was 6:30AM and Rachelle called me! She hadn’t slept at all. She took some “crank” when she returned home from the movies last night so she could stay awake to clean her room. I later learned that she had talked to Jim on the telephone for about five hours! I am ticked.
Rachelle revealed, “Jim also sent me a couple of cards and he said he loved me.”
Blah Blah Blah…
I am not real jealous because she doesn’t seem to have that ‘HOH’ (Head Over Heels) feeling over him. I think she does like having him around to compare me with and make me feel jealous. She likes to stress all of the great things Jim seems to do over me---for her. I hate when she does it, too! I spoke to her for a good while and finally said, “I’ll call you back around ten o’clock.”

I went to mom’s house for breakfast and Ashley was being a crank and a half.

I telephoned Rachelle at 10AM but she couldn’t really talk because she and her mom were doing something. She and her mom sure do a lot of ‘some things’.

I rode my bicycle for an hour along the beach. I followed the ride with a nap at mom’s house. I took Ashley to the beach and she cried when she fell on the sand (flat on her face). Sand got in her mouth but I wiped it off. Two boys came by and wanted to play with her. One of the boys was (a blond four year old) put Ashley on top of him and motioned as if he was screwing her! I didn’t stop him because I figured they were just playing. I began to wonder if the little boy had witnessed his folks or something. I remained out on the beach with Ashley for an hour and then we went back to mom’s house.

I returned to my place and called Rachelle. We argued again.
I said, “My friend, Frank, called me and he may move in.”
“I don’t care. I just want you to know how upset I was last night when you said you wished you were on a plane to Paris after you heard a line in the movie that I mocked!”
“I didn’t mean to make you upset.”
“Well you did. And you’re no fun at all. All you want to do is watch boring movies!”
Her words really hurt my feelings. I don’t intentionally try to hurt her but I guess I am sensitive. When she says stuff like ‘all of her other friends have fun’ she is insinuating that I am not fun.
“You know,” I said, “the more one says they are bored it’s only because they are boring. If one feels bored they are boring because they don’t have to be! You’re as boring as YOU make yourself.”
After I uttered these words I hung up on her: “I no longer want to argue with a seventeen year old anymore!”
CLICK.

My relationship with Rachelle is just going around in circles. I’ve never experienced it before. The only time we seem happy together is during our lovemaking. I am beginning to think that is true since she’s claiming I am no fun all other times. Why does she continue to be with me? Is she just infatuated with my age and maturity? She says that I act like I know everything. I have said, “I’ve been in the world longer and have experienced more things.”
When I said it she referred to me as her father!

Dale called me after I hung up on Rachelle. I thought Rachelle may have called him but Dale explicitly stated that he called her. Rachelle told Dale her version of our arguments.
I said, “Dale, we’ve broken up!”
“I’m so surprised. I don’t think she knows it yet.”
“Well, she’ll find out. Now let’s change the subject.”
Dale started to brag about his rendezvous with some soldier who was on leave from Fort Bragg, North Carolina. Yuck! I wasn’t the least bit impressed. In fact—I thought, “How gross!” He had to make me picture it.

I went to mom’s house after Dale woke me up. Rachelle telephoned me at my mom’s house!
“Rachelle, I want to have a serious talk with you tomorrow after the gym.”
“Well, Danee will be with me.”
Oh well, I knew that when Rachelle called me at my mom’s house that she must have spoken to Dale. She must have guessed that I intended on breaking up. We, of course, came to a realization over the phone that our love has overruled. We are going to try to work out our differences.

I watched a movie with mom called “Stingray”. It was pretty good. Mom goes back to work tomorrow. The first part of her vacation for the year is over.

I was home at 11PM when I decided to call Rachelle. She was tired. I didn’t like it when Jim called via a call waiting interruption. She put him on hold and asked, “Are we going to talk some more?”
I thought, “Why? So you can ramble on with Jim?”
That irritates me when I hear that shit. It makes me want to go out with Christy in the Account Inquiry Center Department. Rachelle had made other comments earlier about not wanting to accompany me to Margaret Lai’s son’s (Lance) birthday party in San Francisco on Sunday. She said it was because she was going to a picnic on Saturday and it’s something she does every year with an old friend of hers. I happened to know for a fact that this picnic is the very place that she met Jim. Jim will be at this picnic. So I am going to go out with Christy (I think). Rachelle and I hung up our respective telephones on ‘good terms’.
I finally said, “I’ll see you at the gym tomorrow.”

I wrote Paloma this letter dated July 14, 1985:
I LOVE CHERRIES...BUT IT'S THE PITS WITHOUT YOU!

July 14, 1985
Sunday Day

Paloma Dear,
Life is not just another bowl of cherries. I truly miss you. If you don't hear from me in a while--It's NOT because I've lost interest. You're in my thoughts and I'll keep tabs with you as to what's going on.

Right now on July 21st I'm off that week and I have an appointment in L.A. to audition for the Wheel of Fortune. Did you ever see that game show? I hope I get on and win a trip to Paris. Ha-ha.

My gym is having a Hawaiian Party next Thursday, July 18th, with free food, beer and wine. It could be fun...though I'm not a heavy party-er.

Rachelle is so different from you. She's a bitch. I hate her so much sometimes. I need to get her out of my life somehow. She has never made me argue as much. She's at that age of wanting to party and 'what not' and she complains about my wanting to go to movies and dinners and claims it's boring.   Only one thing is NOT boring and I can't/won't build a relationship on that alone. I can't stand it. Maybe it's our age differences--but it bugs me. I need you here so I can talk and just plain hold you.

How's PARIS treating you? Don't tell me about any Don Juan's. I'll get jealous. And don't fret at all about Rachelle. I'd consider her a closed chapter before too long.

I'll write to you again soon. Have a nice rest of the day. I want to go bicycling today. Smile a little smile for me. I hear an airplane outside--I'll pretend I'm on it--destination: PARIS.
Love You,
MICHAEL


We should strive to improve the patterns of our brain and body by optimizing the health of our bodies and extending the reach of our minds.
-Ray Kurzweil
"The Singularity Is Near"

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When I Woke Up

"I'll find my own way."
-Wolverine
aka Hugh Jackman
'X-MEN ORIGINS: Wolverine 2009 Film'

Do you know the song by THE PROCLAIMERS called '500 MILES' that was released in 1988. The lyrics go like this:

When I wake up...
I know I'm going to be I'm going to be that man who wakes up next to you
When I go out...
I know I'm going to be I'm going to be that man who goes along with you
If I get drunk...
I know I'm going to be I'm going to be that man who gets drunk next you
And if I (?)...
I know I'm going to be I'm going to be that man who's (?) to you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be that man who walk a thousand miles to fall down that should do
When I'm walking...
I know I'm going to be that man who's walking hard for you
And the money...
Cause for the work I do I'll pass every penny onto you
When I come home...
I know I'm going to be I'm going to be that man who comes back home to you
And if I go...
I know I'm going to be I'm going to be that man who going over you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be that man to walk a thousand miles to fall down that should do
(Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Undela Undela Undela la la)
When I'm lonely...
I know I'm going to be I'm going to be that man who gets lonely without you
And when I'm dreaming...
I know I'm going to Dream I'm going to dream when I'm with you
When I go out...
I know I'm going to be I'm going to be that man who goes along with you
And when I come home...
I know I'm going to be I'm going to be that man who comes back home for you
I'm going to be that man who's coming home for you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be that man to walk a thousand to fall down that should do
(Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Undela Undela Undela la la)
And I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be that man to walk a thousand miles to fall down that should do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM0sTNtWDiI&playnext_from=TL&videos=gLMVxoBvz04

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 13, 1985
Saturday

When I woke up I should have taken my car in for an oil, filter, and lube job. I forgot. Next Saturday it’s a ‘must do’.

I had breakfast at mom’s house and I took Ashley home with me. I put my cartoon Woody Wood Pecker T-shirt on her for amusement. Then I wore my Chilly Willy T-shirt. She just smiled. She watched me take a poop on the toilet. Ashley laughed.
I telephoned Rachelle, “I just wanted to tell you that I’m going with my mom and Ashley to MACY’s. I want to see a stereo system they have there and buy that Corey Hart album.”
“Okay, Thanks for telling me.”

After the shopping adventure I shared my New York Seltzer Cream Soda with mom and returned home to take a nap.
Dale called with an invitation.
“Do you want to go see MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERSTORM with me and my forty-one year old friend, Robert, who just moved to Alameda?”
“Sounds good—but I have a haircut appointment in Alamo.”
“Why don’t you just cancel it?”
“No, I don’t want to cancel it.”
I am writing now in Alamo. I just charged twenty-six dollars on some cards at the local Alamo Hallmark store. I walked in to CHEZ NOEL and Danny Garcia looked the same. He cut my hair at no charge.
“It’s no charge but you have to treat me to dinner,” Danny said.
We drove to Walnut Creek first because Danny had to pay some ‘junkies’ from the previous night. We ate lasagna at some nice place in Danville. Then we went out to San Ramon (not far from his apartment). We departed with mutual smiles. He wanted me to stay and go out to another place but I didn’t take him up on that idea. I really don’t want to lead him on at all. I only like him as a friend (period). I don’t know why I just don’t tell him that!

I went to Rachelle’s house and knocked on her door.
Rachelle opened the door, looked at me and said, “What are you doing here?”
What a nice greeting! I know I should have called her first but I didn’t. It happened that she was getting ready to go out with Heidi to see Rob Lowe’s new movie, ST. ELMO’S FIRE.
Rachelle asked, “Do you want to go with us?”
I was hesitant because I didn’t want to intrude on a girl’s night out, then I said, “Yes.”
Rachelle picked up her phone and had this negative tone when she said to Heidi, “Yes, he’ll go!”
It made me feel very unwanted. So what happened? I felt like NOT going after all but I did go because of her obnoxious persistence.

First, I drove Rachelle to Danee’s house so she could get her spare keys (because she couldn’t find her other set of keys). I ended up following ‘Rachelle and Heidi’ who were in a separate car. We went to South Shore Cinemas and saw THE BREAKFAST CLUB and ST. ELMO’S FIRE. It was a double-feature and both movies were good.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB was more of a high-school type of film but it make a good point: ‘It doesn’t matter what click or group you belong go…we can all get along and really find bits that we have in common.’

ST. ELMO’S FIRE dealt with the aftermath of college life and the realities of not being able to get the beau you really want OR the job OR the millions you really want which ultimately leads to depression, hysteria, jealousy, problems, stress, growing-up, separating from old friends and fading out from the college scene of parties and all of that sort.

It was silly listening to Rachelle and Heidi giggle and make there “Ooh and Ahh” sounds every time that Rob Lowe appeared on-screen. I admit I was a bit jealous but it also made me realize that Rachelle is still sort of in THE BREAKFAST CLUB stage of life. She hasn’t even touched the realms of the ST. ELMO’S FIRE realities. What should I do about her? I love her. I’m really not ready for her immaturities. I hate arguing with her. She needs to seriously change her attitude about things and NOT pick on me.

When I went home I wrote a card/letter to Jim Koran because he wrote to me. I had been planning to write him back. I wrote that I was driving down to Los Angeles next week. I mentioned how I may be going with Dale Orlando (even though I wasn’t sure it was such a good idea). I wrote about the ‘Wheel of Fortune’. I am still not so sure that going to L.A. with Dale is a good idea. I definitely need more space from him. He seems to keep talking about other men and seems to want to fix me up with one and go “that route” again. I don’t really want to—to tell you the truth—not now.

I also wrote Paloma a card/letter.

I wrote George G. Jones a card/letter but I learned that the address I had for him is not good any longer. The card was sent because Rachelle and I had been discussing him. I was beginning to wonder about him, so I thought I’d write to see if I’d get a reply.

I sent Barbara Reynolds a Congratulations card on her new residence. She is moving out from Robert’s house and in with some other guy (?).

I also sent Dale Orlando a “banana” card. Ha-ha. I was supposed to send Danny Garcia a card, too—but I didn’t. I didn’t really want to write anything to make him ponder over me.

I wrote Rachelle a sort of ‘Dear Jane’ card, too. I wrote that I needed my space. As I was writing I seriously felt that we should stay apart for a while. I wonder how she will react.

Then, I slept.

"I don't like tension in my home. I want to resolve this matter."
-MISS POTTER (2006 Film)

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Fair Leverage

"There is ART and there is LIFE, and a man has only one heart."
-Edgar Degas
http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edgar_Degas
PHOTO: By Hanne Reid, Vancouver, CANADA
http://www.redbubble.com/people/hanne

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 12, 1985
Friday

This morning Al Martinez said, "Hey Michael! You have a screw lodged in one of your front tires!"
He wasn’t kidding. I saw it! Yikes! That will need to be checked-out during the week I am gone. I better make a list for Morris-Landy Ford’s Service Department.

At about a quarter to noon Assistant Manager, Ethel, came over to my desk.
She said, “Michael, you have someone in the lobby making a collect call to YOU!”
It was Rachelle, of course. She drove out here to The City with her girlfriend, Danee. I treated them to pizza and Heineken beers at the Crocker Galleria. Dale did not show up for work so he didn’t get to join us. I kissed Rachelle a few times and then gave a final kiss goodbye for the day.

After work I drove to mom’s house and gave her some mail (bills to be paid) that she would hand-stamp at her workplace (the post-office). I proceeded to go to the gym and Kelly was there. She seemed all ‘prettied up’ today. She was prettier than usual this time. She looked at me and we did exchange a few words. I am beginning to wonder if she might be interested in me.

The tall curly-haired dude (named Randy, I think) asked, “Hey, where’s your old lady?”
What a creep. I hate a guy who calls a guys’ girlfriend an ‘old lady’. I just shrugged and said, “She couldn’t make it today.”

I decided to be brave and asked Kelly, “Do you want to go for an Orange Julius after our workout?”
Kelly answered, “They’re fattening!”
“Oh, I guess you’re right.”
Kelly continued, “Before I joined this gym in February I used to drink, smoke and do drugs. I’m completely reformed except for an occasional getting high. I’m going shopping after my workout.”
I didn’t want to pressure her or be overly persistent. I thought, “She had her chance…and blew it!”
I made a smirk and thought, “She won’t be getting to know me much more except for a HI or a BYE unless she recommends a drink or something.”

Besides, I should not have even asked her out since I am seeing Rachelle. Then again, Rachelle has so many male scapegoats that it makes me sick. I need to have some fair leverage as well. After the workout it was 8:15PM. I arrived at Rachelle’s house by 8:30PM.
I suggested, “We could go see ‘The Emerald Forest’ at ten o’clock. That's when it starts.”
She frowned, “I think I just want to go to your place.”
“No! This time we are going to the movies!”
She turned red and got upset. “I hate going to the movies on my weekends!”
This kind of talk all led to my being ‘boring’ and ‘no fun’. If she could just relax and not be so worried about what we do things would be better. As it is she’s a bitch! She’s a real, nagging bitch at times.

I raised my voice, “If you feel bored, then don’t go out with me!”
Five minutes later she was kissing me with full tilt passion. We ended up going to my place and making love in my bedroom just before we left for the flick. We sneaked in a couple of wine coolers into the movie theater. She almost fell asleep twice during the movie. It was a classic adventure film. I enjoyed it. I drove Rachelle home after the movies. I came home and slept soundly. Dreamland.

Can good intentions produce good results? How do we live with ourselves when they don't?
-Christopher Bram
"Mapping The Territory"

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Save It !

"Apart from the fact that you're not really a dyke. You're probably bisexual. But most of all you're sexual--you like sex and you don't care about what gender. You're an entropic chaos factor."
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Played With Fire"

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 11, 1985
Thursday

It won’t be too long now until I have my week off from work. My ‘Wheel of Fortune’ audition is coming. I want to WIN but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

Today is payday and that’s a good thing. I am getting a raise on August 9th (the same day that Marty is officially moving out).

Margaret Lai and I took a walk during break time to her bank. She’s a sweetheart. I am planning to attend her son, Lance’s, 1 year old birthday party on July 21st.

Dale and I ate our usual order at WENDY’s on Market Street.

After work I dropped over at mom’s house and watched an episode of ‘Wheel of Fortune’.

While at work I had telephoned Rachelle. She had plans to go to San Francisco tonight with her mom. I chose to lounge at mom’s house. I started to watch a movie called “The Competition” that didn’t quite capture me. So I decided to go to the bank and fidget with paying some bills.

Marty gave me his definitive word that he accepted the other job in Los Angeles.

Steff called to tell me she has been accepted to ride a horse in the Olympics (or something to that effect). Give me a break! I guess I’m supposed to believe that one, too.

I called Rachelle tonight and learned that some jerk in San Francisco tried to woo her.
She told him, “Save it,” and she said it right in front of her mother.
She was probably looking too good (the kind of good that causes certain jerks to turn their heads). We, of course, had some minor arguments tonight. One topic was simply the ‘trouble’ we’ve been having in our relationship.
I said pointedly, “Your avoiding me is a problem.”
She replied, “Well you not showing enough LOVE and interest towards me…is a problem.”
She followed that with some nasty name-calling comment of Paloma.
I said, “I got a letter from Paloma. She answered me back. She was surprised about my attraction to men and was surprised and curious as to why I decided to tell her now.”
“Big deal,” Rachelle said, playing off the letter as meaningless.
I didn’t bother to tell her that I wrote Paloma a twenty-one page letter on Pac Bell memo paper. I will NEVER tell Rachelle about that. She’ll just ‘freak out’. I had a lot of things to close-up (or firm up) with Paloma (including my relationship with Rachelle, something Paloma did not even mention). Paloma did write that she didn’t know if she was lesbian or not—but that she has been attracted to women on a rare basis and that she may very well be. “I guess” were her exact words. So it reminds me of me. No wonder we get along so well. Ha-ha.

Rachelle and I seemed to have a nice chat afterwards. We love each other. Tomorrow night is “The Emerald Forest” movie, based on a true story. We will visit the Amazon jungles on-screen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-cEpgzdgZU

"...in the midst of all this mess he's like a hand-grenade with the pin pulled."
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest"

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The Meddler

She just wanted to feel wheels turning beneath her again, see lights, see different people, ones with more intelligence and style, to put up some resistance to the whims of chance, not to be trampled underfoot; to move again, feel the world and herself, to be a different person, not the same old one.
-Stefan Zweig
"The Post-Office Girl"

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 10, 1985
Wednesday

Dale shared a hint as to what Rachelle has in mind—or maybe specifically as to what she is up to.
“Michael, I think she is trying to get you to chase after her.”
I had already deduced that; however, the reasoning behind it is so she’ll have more control over me. She wants to be able to wrap me around her finger. I’m afraid she’s got another thing coming. In fact, I am considering ‘breaking up’. If things don’t smooth over soon I just may do that. Every time I ask her out to do something lately she gives me some excuse. I’m tired of it, literally. If she’s not going to make the time for me. Hell then, why waste my time?

During my morning break Dale shared more ‘cock n’ bull’ remarks. I didn’t appreciate them at all.
Dale asked, “Have you asked anyone who is NOT gay to be your roommate?”
“What an ass,” I thought as I just gave him a dirty snarl for asking such a thing.
For one thing, I haven’t formally asked anyone except Rachelle. I knew that was out-of-the-question.

Later, Dale said, “I don’t understand why you’re not able to tell me the things that occurred between you and Chris and Frank. You lied to me.”
“Nothing has ever happened between Chris, Frank or me that is any of your business.”
I don’t know what it is that makes him think he needs to know every damn thing! He even looks ‘physically filled’ with too much information.

During lunch I outright ditched Dale and ate with Al Martinez and Ryan Hargrave at B&M Chinese Food. It was fun. I agreed with Ryan about Dale.
“You’re so right, Ryan. Dale is nice deep down but he’s such a gossip!”
“He can’t help himself,” Ryan added.
“Yeah, he’s such a meddler.”
“You got it!” Ryan said excitedly. “That is the perfect word for him. I told Dale that we shouldn’t be real friends anymore after the havoc he caused with me and Joe.”
“It kind of bugs me, too,” I said.
I didn’t really want to lose Dale as a friend though. He means well. He has a problem of thinking before speaking.
I told Ryan about my roommate leaving and he may consider coming out this weekend to take a look at my place. I may ask Ryan again. I had arranged to post an ad at UC Berkeley once again. That is how I managed to get Marty. Second thoughts are making me feel I should just live alone. I’ll wait and see.

I ran into Christy of the AIC (Account Inquiry Center). She’s cute and I may ask her to lunch tomorrow. That would be a harmless thing to do. In fact, it may be doing me some good since Rachelle is being obnoxious and dissuasive as far as compromising with me over anything in general. One plain example is just going out with me on my days off!

I made it to the gym after work. Kelly was there this time. We exchanged a few words.
Kelly said, “I’m changing a bit of my workout structure to focus more on my legs.”
“Your legs already look nice but it’s always a good idea to change the workout,” I said with a charming smile.

I notice Kelly kind of look over at me when she thinks that I am not looking. I wonder what that could mean. She’s a “QBL”, of course. That only means that she’s a questionable gal that may be interested in me. Ha-ha.

I saw Phil at the gym and a few other familiar faces. While IN the shower I ran into Jeff, the aerobics instructor with the gross bulge. As it turns out his bulge isn’t as bulgy in the shower room. I wonder if he wears a contraption between his legs. I only saw his dick as a mere inch and half at the flaccidity stage. Perhaps it’s just his scrotum that is huge and that’s why he’s so bulgy. I didn’t get a good look at that but it was nothing spectacular. I actually told Rachelle about it. She was funny. She wanted to know more about what I’d seen. How rude. Well, at least she asked the important question.
“How is Rodney,” Rachelle asked.

After the workout I went to mom’s house. Rachelle didn’t bother going to the gym tonight. I learned later that she was typing a story for English about a vindictive twin sister.

I learned an interesting statistic. Fifty-percent of all people who join the gym quit after two months! At least that’s what Jeff, the aerobics instructor, said while in the locker room.

Mom and I went to NATIONS for a burger and fries. We watched some RUSSIAN movie that was quite boring, so I left her house at 9:30PM.

When I arrived to my pad I noticed Marty was absent. I took a shower and relieved Rodney of his misery. I went to bed and as I was drifting off I heard Marty arrive. Marty answered the phone.

I woke up again at 12:30AM because Rachelle telephoned me.
“Why haven’t you returned my calls?” She asked.
“Marty never gave me any message that you’d called. I was asleep.”
“Well, it was rude that you hadn’t called me all day.”
I thought of saying, “Well, it’s rude of you to play these ‘chase after me’ games. Shit! Let’s be adult about this.”
I finally said, “Well, sorry I didn’t call you.”
She rambled on about going to San Francisco with her mom tomorrow to see some agent at John Robert Powers about some modeling deal. I wished her well on that endeavor.
“I hope things work out,” I added, “You’d make one hell of a model, that’s for sure.”
As we talked I realized that I had missed her.
“I love you,” Rachelle said. “We have a date on Friday night, right?”
“Yes, we’ll go see The Emerald Forest, okay?”
“Okay,” she replied.
And so, now there is no Kelly, no Christy…just Rachelle.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Dale pissed me off yesterday over another comment about Rachelle.
Dale said, “Now that Rachelle has popped your cherry does that mean you’re going to go straight now?”
“What an asshole,” I thought.
What a non-appreciative friend. Believe it or not, Dale is writing his own journal now.
Dale said, “The title of my journal is PROJECT MJA and it’s on floppy disc in my home computer.”
It’s all his biased opinion. I’m sure if I’d ever read what he wrote I’d hate him forever.

"When things go wrong you almost resent the happy moments...like they failed you."
-actress Ally Sheedy as Sarah'
in KYLE-XY, Season II

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I Have Things To Do

The Prince of Denmark
"To be, or not to be, that is the (god damn) question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The (fucking) slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms agains a (shitty) sea of troubles..."
-HAMLET, The Prince of Denmark
-James Kirkwood
"Good Times, Bad Times", a novel

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 9, 1985
Tuesday

Dale was in better spirits today but he was up to his old prying “Tell Me” tricks. Luckily, I did not tell him everything that was on my mind. Dale was just plain born being nosy.
Dale said, “I’m working on a grievance against the company for letting Rick Sloan go to the Account Inquiry Center.”
“You’re a troublemaker, Dale.” I blurted, thinking that he is just plain getting even with Larry and Pat for not allowing him to move to Stephanie’s section. The main vein of our Union (the Union stewards) are to supposedly have a talk with Larry today.
Dale whispered, “A grievance has already been filed against Diana Brock.”
“She deserves it. She’s the so-called kiss up to management union steward, isn’t she?”

When I telephoned Rachelle we spoke for a short time. She didn’t say a whole lot.
“Do you want to go to a movie?” I asked.
“I have things to do.”
“Oh, okay.”
That was about it.

Then, later Dale and Rachelle played a feeble joke on me. The story was that Rachelle had joined the ARMY and was going to begin basic training in August 1986.
“I can’t believe it!” I exclaimed to Dale.
I telephone her immediately.
Rachelle said, “Does this mean you don’t love me anymore?”
“Yes,” I said sharply.
And that is when she told me the truth. It was all a hoax that she played on (against me) with Dale.
“I still might consider joining next year,” Rachelle added.
“Give me a break!”

After work I tried to take a nap at my house. It was much too hot. I went to mom’s house and had a burger and watched the Wheel of Fortune game show, Entertainment Tonight and part of some dumb movie called “Flood”.

When I was home again my roommate, Marty, broke the news.
Marty sighed. “I’m probably going to take on a job in L.A. I’ll tell you for sure on Friday but it looks like I will be moving out.”
“Oh wow! Well, let me know for sure,” I replied, thinking that I was not at all surprised. He didn’t seem too happy living here. I wasn’t exactly a real companion to him. I didn’t really know him. So--whatever. I now have my list of prospective roommates which are Danny Garcia, Frank Vasconcellos, Chris Cordellos, Rachelle Davies and Dale…

I telephoned Danny and he is cutting my hair this Saturday at about 4PM. Danny has officially broken it off with Robert. It’s completely over. From what Danny said he still seems to be bothering and hurting Robert by asking for the return of all material things that he’s ever given him. And yet, Robert still wants to remain close friends with Danny. Danny has made it clear that he wants to be completely left alone. He seems happy again with his skating world. He is participating in the skating finals in Bakersfield. He pays only one-hundred and twenty-five dollars a month to live in San Ramon. He may not be a likely candidate as a roommate.

Chris Cordellos’ mother answered the phone.
“Oh, Chris is asleep.”

I didn’t bother calling Frank Vasconcellos, yet. I did recall that he had just got that new job with Mayflower though.

Rachelle pissed me off last night because she made me aware that she was speaking to Jim. They were discussing ‘me’. I was watching Joan Rivers when she called. We talked briefly and she asked me to call her right back.
“Okay, I’ll call you right after Joan Rivers.”
The phone kept ringing but I didn’t answer it. I wanted to finish watching the show.
The Tonight Show began to get boring, so I turned off the TV.

When I reached my bedroom upstairs I called Rachelle.
“I’m on the phone with Jim. Call me back in ten minutes!”
That comment told me where I stood on her list of priorities. Gee whiz.
I thought, “We haven’t made love since June 28th. That was the night we returned from the Alameda County Fair…poor Rodney.”
After she told me to call back in ten minutes I said, “No, you don’t call me back! I’m going to sleep!”
“Fine,” Rachelle shouted.
Click.

"The bombshell has dropped."
-Stefan Zweig
"The Post-Office Girl"

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That's Not My Style

What is required at present is NOT writing, but the bringing to light of a distinct, significant fact.
-Bram Stoker
"Dracula"

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 8, 1985
Monday

Frank Vasconcellos is really a nice guy. I told Rachelle about him. She doesn’t see him as a threat (or any other men). If I fooled around with another gentleman she wouldn’t be upset (so she says), but another woman is a different story. That really surprises me! I would not want to be intimate with any one—really…except her. Well, maybe Kelly (Ha-ha).

I explained to Rachelle about my flat tire (on my bike) yesterday. How frustrating it is when that happens.

I love John Waite’s voice. He has some good tunes. His song “CHANGE” is featured in that movie “Vision Quest” that I saw with Paloma back in March. Corey Hart has a great voice and good tunes as well.

Last night Rachelle telephoned around 10PM. I am remembering our conversation now.
“I just got home from an outing with Danee, Matt and Mickey.”
“Oh, that sounds great,” I said, knowing they are just friends. I also don’t think it’s fair that she spends time without me on my only two days off (Saturday and Sunday).
I thought, “If that’s her prerogative, then it’s her loss.”
Subconsciously, I really did feel like it was a loss on my part, too.

Rachelle will be at the gym tonight. I have not seen Kelly there in a while.

Dale got a hair permanent. How funny.
Dale said, “It isn’t a perm.”
“Well, it looks so curly.”
“I cut it a bit and it just got naturally curly.”
I laughed. It sure looked curled and kind of weird if you ask me. I didn’t tell him that but I was tempted. He made a derogatory comment about my orange, yellow and white striped shirt. What a creep. He has to balance the act because I laughed at his haircut. Dale really looked and acted in a kind of downer mood today. I don’t think the blotched and surgically opened zit on his forehead helped matters.
Dale continued, “I have an interview with MCI this afternoon.”
“Oh great, let me know how it goes.”
I guess he is seriously thinking of leaving the company. He started to comment on how I could immediately be in management with my college degree.
I said, “It’s not that easy, Dale. There are a lot of people in the job market with supervisory positions that are making comparable and less pay than I am making now. I don’t feel like getting into it with you. I’m happy where I am right now. I am aiming for Yellow Page sales eventually.”
That shut him up. He knows that Yellow Page Sales is my primary goal. All I need is some good timing and it will happen.

Stephanie, my boss, is on vacation. Cindy Chow is semi-lenient. I think it’s okay that she is the RD to take over Stephanie’s work for the week. My MSR results for June were 1268 which is beyond excellence. Hurrah!
Dale walked over to my cubicle and whispered, “You ranked number 29 for the office for the month of May.”
I wonder where I stand for the month of June. I hope the Pillsbury Dough Man (Dale) is in a better mood tomorrow.

At 3PM I went to a Pac Tel Referral lecture with Ryan, Malia and Neil. I took my last break with Neil.
Neil asked, “Are you still living in Alameda, Michael?”
“Yes. Are you thinking of moving there?”
“Well, I live in Daly City now. I hate it. I pay four-hundred and ninety-five dollars a month.”
“I don’t think I’d want to live there either.”
“If you ever need a new roommate or think of moving to The City let me know.”
I thought Neil to be a really nice chap.

I went to my house after work and arrived by 5:25PM. A record time arrival I believe. I changed and quickly dropped by at mom’s house. My niece, Ashley, was there. I played with her a bit. Ashley was wearing only a diaper which isn’t unusual for the scorching hot summer days we’ve been having.

When I arrived at the gym there was no sign of Rachelle. She arrived a little later. We argued later, too. This time it was about depositing CASH in to her ATM Versa teller. I didn’t like her attitude when I was only trying to help.
I said, “Fuck off Bitch!”
She just laughed when I said it.
We argued some more when she came up with this idea of joining the military! She is too much.

Last night, Rachelle went to her girlfriend Danee’s house to watch the RICK SPRINGFIELD “Hard to Hold” Music Video for the eighteenth or nineteenth time. Rachelle’s ‘little girl’ mind is in full-force. She is also playing hard to get with me. She wants me to move on in and chase her like a guy who is madly in love is supposed to do. It’s her way of having more control. Too bad that’s not my style. I’ll never chase her until hell freezes over. I feel there is no point in childish games. We should simply be open as to where we are leading. If our relationship is leading nowhere, then it’s a waste of time. It may as well come to a close.

He weighed the pros and cons, lined up the possibilities, and rejected various options. He was fully aware that everything had gone about as badly as it could have. In a well-ordered world he would be at home.
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest"

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