Worries

I know you always have a reason for what you do, but this certainly puzzles me.
-Bram Stoker
"Dracula"

During a rainy day in Paris Alan and I saw a film called "COLD SOULS", starring Paul Giamatti.

Paul Giamatti stars as the actor himself, agonizing over his interpretation of "Uncle Vanya." He is anxiety-stricken and stumbles upon a solution via a New Yorker magazine article. The article mentioned a high-tech company that helped people alleviate their suffering by extracting their "souls.

It was an odd 'what if' sort of premise but it caught my interest for being so innovative and amusing. Giamatti discovers that his soul (when extracted) is the size and shape of a chickpea. I couldn't help laughing. After the movie I decided my soul is the size of ripe, yellow pear. Why? I have no idea.

Giamatti had planned to reinstate his soul once he survives his performance as "Uncle Vanya". However, there are complications with an even more wild sub-plot about soul-trafficking to Eastern Europe.
PHOTO: Actor, Paul Giamatti

The ending stumped me--but then I realized it was a good ending because the Russian girl had fragments of Giamatti's soul. So it was no wonder that he would befriend her solitary moments as she was walking along a secluded beach. I'd see it again. Here's a film clip preview:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiPAkcsqgFo

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 12, 1985
Wednesday

It’s time to worry again! My green journal number “9” is missing. I know it’s in Rachelle’s hot little hands. I know there’s more damaging and not-so-damaging information about me in there than what I have read about her in her journal. She’s going to go lay out at the Islandia Pool house today and wait for me to come home. We’re supposed to go to the gym together. I am worried. I wonder what she will read. Oh well…there’s nothing I can do at this point.

Work was sort of a freebie today. I had a meeting from 9:30AM until 12:30PM that was conducted by Marty Guerra about CENTREX and DDS telephone lines. It was semi-informative. Then my section got a free Chinese lunch because of our section being number ONE in Pac Tel equipment sales referrals.

Dale went on an off premise visit, so he was not in the office for the latter part of the day. Hurrah (in a way).

After work I sped home and was there by 5:30PM. Rachelle was sitting on my couch with wet hair, writing in her journal. We went upstairs to my bedroom and one thing led to another. Rodney wanted to give more sweets to Candy but Rachelle wouldn’t let him. Oh well.

We decided to go bicycling all the way to the gym in San Leandro. It was a good work out. We only did one set on the weights though. We saw Chuck there. He looked at Rachelle but didn’t say much except when Rachelle asked, “What’s wrong?”
Chuck answered loudly, “Nothin’, what’s wrong with you?”
Chuck said this right in front of Bob Maloney. I could tell it embarrassed Rachelle. I wasn’t around when it happened but Rachelle just had to share that tidbit moment with me.

After our work out we rode my bikes to my house. We arrived at 10PM or so. Then I drove to NATION’s Burgers for burgers to-go.
The sales girl at Nations asked, “What’s your first name?”
I said, “Rodney.”
Rachelle made the cutest expression when I said it.

We ate the burgers at my house but most of the French fries were devoured during the drive to my house. The work out made us ultra hungry.

Rachelle kissed me good night and then she went home. She got some sun burn from lying in the sun for part of the day (by the pool) today. Tomorrow is her last day of school.

"It's been a long day. We can go on sifting tomorrow."
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Played With Fire"

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Whispering To One's Self

The first thing is to realize exactly what he has done as yet. We may, then, get a light on what his task is to be.

-Bram Stoker
“Dracula”

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 11, 1985
Tuesday

“Heidi and I are coming to your house tomorrow to lay out by your pool,” Rachelle said to me by telephone.
“That’s a great idea!” I exclaimed.

Dale picked me up in the morning and we drove in to The City together (after we picked up a cute lady at a North Oakland bus stop so that we could carpool through the fast lane).

Ryan whispered to me near my desk, “I’m on the OUTS with Dale because of his meddlesome ways in regards to me and Joe.”
“Why am I not surprised?” I asked.
Believe me, I could relate to Ryan’s disclosure. My relationship with Rachelle can vouch for that. God knows Rachelle has told Dale all sorts of shit and who knows what he knows (since I now know that he read parts of my green journal while in Las Vegas!).

Dale and I went and bought some greeting cards during our lunch hour. I bought one for Dad for Father’s Day. I got an Anniversary card for ‘mom and dad’ because there Anniversary is June 15th. I also bought Mary McTiernan a birthday card (June 13th).
Dale said, “Michael, I want you to know something.”
“Yeah, what?”
“I’ve changed and I will not gossip or meddle anymore.”
I laughed and said, “Dale, one cannot change overnight. You’ve got one hell of a difficult task.”
“You’ll see.”
Again I laughed and I thought that it’s just like when he said he was forfeiting soft drinks and, yet, he keeps on drinking them.

I persuaded Dale into not participating in an aerobics class that Rachelle will be conducting at my house. And then he changed is mind later.

Dale and I left the office. Dale invited Will in Priority Accounts to join our car pool to Alameda. After dropping Will off at his apartment complex we went to my house. Rachelle and Heidi had supposedly left. I found a note on the dining room table written by Rachelle that stated: ‘My mom called and I’m in trouble, so I had to go home.’

As it turned out both Rachelle and Heidi were hiding in my closet. It was a pleasant surprise. Dale got a kick out of it, too. We all ate pizza and did aerobics. We asked Marty, my roommate, to join us.
“Oh Thanks but I’m off to L.A. for a two-day seminar,” Marty replied.
Rachelle gave us a good class. I kind of wished Ryan had come to join in on the fun. I hate having a ‘fallen angel’ (a la Charlie’s Angels’ Jill).

Danny Garcia telephoned while Dale, Rachelle, Heidi and I were lounging. I cut him off short and told him I’d call him back. Then, Frank Vasconcellos called.
Frank said, “You won’t believe this. I met this guy named Mark and another guy named Bruce Goree. The Bruce guy mentioned your name and said he met you at traffic school one time.”
“Give me a break,” I said, realizing that Dale, Rachelle or Heidi would not have a clue what I just heard.
Apparently, Bruce was asking Frank all sorts of questions about me. Ugh…I hate that. Poor Frank—he wants me to take him to Baxter’s some night soon.
“I will, Frank, I will,” I said.
I don't remember how I got off of the phone--but I did.

It was sad when Dale, Rachelle and Heidi left me all by myself. It became so quiet. I cleaned up and returned Frank’s call and we talked a little while longer.
Frank said, “I ran into George Jones a couple of times at the ‘Bench and Bar’ and the ‘Troc’ in San Francisco.”
“You did? Did he say anything to you?”
“No. We never talk because we hate each other.”
I figured they hate each other because of the jealousy they had over me at one time. I wonder if it means that deep down they really are attracted to one another. Frank denies it in a major way. Ha-ha. I have not seen George Jones in so long. It is fine with me. Rachelle brings him up on occasion (after learning of my fascination for him in my journal). As I looked through my photo album tonight I saw his picture and it brought back memories. I remember asking Rachelle if she’d seen his picture and explained that he was the one pictured with Paige LaBris. Rachelle ‘freaked out’.
“Oh my God, I thought Paige was his girlfriend and she was IN LOVE with him!” Rachelle screeched.
“Yes, well...that was him,” I said.
“Well, I have to commend your taste in men,” Rachelle added. 
Her comment made me laugh out loud (and surprised me at the same time). George was nice looking in his own way but as I reminisce I cannot believe how far that relationship actually got even if it was only from July 1983 to October 1983.
PHOTO:  George Jones

I telephoned Rachelle and learned that she left her journal here at my house!
“You better not read it!”
“You know I wouldn’t do that.”
I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait to read her journal.

Rachelle wrote about some guy named Eric and Joe (the usual ex-boyfriend). She did write how much she loved me. She specifically wrote ‘I don’t want to blow it with Michael’. I guess this means something but I’m not sure exactly what—but I can read into it (as beneficial).

I wondered if Rachelle would go out on me and date someone else at all. She does seem to look at other guys. She knows and gets phone calls from other guys, too. I know I am her current center of attention but if she does go out on me it is definitely OVER as far as I’m concerned.

Dale made his usual snide remarks regarding my incompetence at some of the aerobic moves tonight. He should talk! Dale went ‘on and on’ about my correcting ways upon him and others. I noticed that Rachelle has written in her journal with reference to me as “Mr. Perfect”. Ha-ha. How crude. Let me think…what else did her journal reveal?

I got the impression that Joe Smith (Rachelle’s ex-beau) still wants her. He seems to think Rachelle still loves him—but I don’t know about that. She did write a comment about having the feeling of ‘wanting to hang on’ to Joe. That bugs me! She did not write a whole lot but she did write how much she cared for me. She wrote that she was hesitant about marriage because of our ages (17 and 26) and because she’s got four years of college to go. She’s kind of not sure—I guess. I can see her point…at least I know her inner thoughts now and how she really does love and care about me.

Dale telephoned.
“I’m just wondering if you are mad at me over tonight.”
“No, but I have to go because Rachelle is on the other line.”
“Okay, but I want to invite you and Rachelle for dinner on Friday night at my house, and then we can watch Joan Rivers together on HBO at nine o’clock.”
“Really…hold on.”
Moments passed.
“Okay we’ll go,” I replied.
I can’t believe Dale sometimes. I read in Rachelle’s journal that Dale had invited Rachelle to join him, Ryan and Joe to go to Monterey on Sunday! I’m so glad she did not go. I think she didn’t go for a couple of reasons.
1. Her mom
2. My reaction to her going if I ever found out!

Rachelle and I had a quaint and loving chat tonight. She called Chuck and I listened quietly as a third party. Chuck still has strong feelings for Rachelle.
Chuck said, “I love you.”
While I was listening on the other line Chuck also made rude comments in reference to my name.
“How’s Michael?” Chuck asked.
Rachelle said, “Okay.”
Then Chuck rambled on about how he just plain did not like that she was going out with me.
Chuck said, “Listen, I’ll be at the gym at six o’clock tomorrow night.”
I want to be at the gym 'at that specific time' only because I’m curious to the look at his face when he sees me there with Rachelle, working out together.

Rachelle then called Jim in Walnut Creek. Jim is a music writer and longtime friend of Rachelle’s. He seems to like her, too! I don’t get it. She’s sort of stringing along these guys. I don’t know what to make of it. At least she’s making sure she allots all of her time (or at least most of it) for me. That’s a plus in my favor.

I showered before bedtime and thought of Rachelle. She’s happy. She’s not worried about me, my past or us any more (so she says).

I am anxious, and it soothes me to express myself here. It is like whispering to one’s self and listening at the same time.
-Bram Stoker
“Dracula”

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Euphoria

"It was the most beautiful sound in the world. It was part mathematics and part euphoria...the sound of the piano."
-KYLE-XY, Season I

Some of the most beautiful pieces for PIANO:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASqTgJExCtw

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 10, 1985
Monday

I made it smoothly into work on Monday. I did not talk to Dale Orlando at all in the morning.

Dale and Ryan were sitting at a cafeteria table, so I joined them. They kind of had some personal things to talk about so I left. They proceeded to go outside. Dale and I did not exchange one word which is no loss on my part. His attitude and playfulness over other people’s lives irks me.

I telephoned Rachelle several times today. We continuously tell each other how much we love each other. I find this to be a very good sign for our relationship.

Dale wrote me a note: ‘Just so you know…I have not told Ryan anything against you or anyone else for that matter.’
The note leads me to believe that he probably did say something to Ryan against me. I decided to make up with him per Rachelle’s request.

And so…I invited Dale to go to lunch.
“Maybe you can help me find a birthday gift for my brother and a Father’s Day gift for my dad,” I said.
“Okay,” Dale said meekly.
We ended up at Wendy’s with Sue Fischer and Mary McTiernan.
“I have news,” Dale announced, “Dee and I are going to get a divorce.”
Dale has his indecisive troubles in life. I think he wants to lean towards the ugly, depressing, gay lifestyle. (To each his own.)

After work I locked my keys in my car but I managed to get them out thanks to Cindy Chow’s Tupperware spatula. I went home feeling hot and tired. I slept until 7PM when Danny Garcia called me.
I thought of that famous line, “Only your hairdresser knows for sure.”
Danny is at '833-0739' now in San Ramon. He is no longer living with Robert.
“I am living with Janice and someone else,” Danny said, “I am planning to stay here until the end of August when I finish my roller-skating triumphs.”
“That’s great!” I exclaimed.
“Yeah, it may be. I might possibly move down south after the roller-skating competitions.”
Danny’s a nice guy. I just hate to get involved in any way because I think he wants something from me that I cannot give.

I went to the gym to release all anxieties. Buddy was there. He’s a nice chap.
Rachelle said, “I’m not going to the gym because I need to study with Heidi.”
Her reasoning sounded trivial and I simply shrugged and went to work out alone. Susan, the aerobics instructor, was there. I watched her instruct a class. She really has a sexy body. She caught me looking at her. I caught her looking at me. (?)

While in the shower Buddy came by and said, “I was looking for you and then I saw you on the LifeCycle.”
“Yeah, I’m trying to make it here when I can.”
“It’s not easy sometimes.”
“No, it’s hard to work out when you’ve slacked off for three or four days in a row.”
“Yeah, you can say that again.”
It felt funny talking to him in the shower. I always get those ‘checking you out’ vibes. It bugs me. I like to take a quickie shower and then ‘scram’.

I left the gym and came home. I immediately called Rachelle. We had a nice talk while I was in bed. We had the usual ‘Always on My Mind’ conversation about my past homosexual experiences.
“I’m dying to read your past journals just to solve my curiosity,” Rachelle said.
I thought to myself, “I knew it—because I don’t detail my past relationships. It’s really not necessary to read my journals.”
I said, “Listen Rachelle, it’s you I love now. I want us to continue to grow in love.”
She moaned sweetly.

I was not sleepy, as the long sleep yesterday has fortified me, but I could not help experiencing that chill which comes over one at the coming of the dawn, which is like, in its way, the turn of the tide.
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Played With Fire"

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State of the Heart

 There's an inherent limit to the stress that any material can bear.  Water has its boiling point, metals their melting points.  The elements of the spirit behave the same way.  Happiness can reach a pitch so great that nay further happiness can't be felt.  Pain, despair, humiliation, disgust, and fear are no different.  Once the vessel is full, the world can't add to it.
-Stefan Zweig
"The Post-Office Girl"

Does any one remember 'State of the Heart'?
Listen...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mexnI_I7Sts

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 9, 1985
Sunday

Rachelle Davies thought ‘Rodney’ didn’t like her anymore but she realized that wasn’t the case per Michael’s insistent persuasion. Besides, between the alcohol and going to bed late the last few nights it wasn’t surprising for Rodney to be ‘down and out’.

Rachelle and I spoke semi-seriously of marriage. She loves me. I love her. So, who knows? We made tentative marriage plans for July 1, 1986 (next summer).

Dale called last night at 11:30PM.
I asked Rachelle, “Was that a planned phone call?”
For some reason I could tell that it was planned. I don’t appreciate Dale’s gabby mouth, telling Rachelle about historic events in my life that I should never have told him in the first place. I am referring to George Jones and how he almost moved in with me OR the night I dropped Dale off at a BART station in San Francisco and supposedly took Ron Shelly (Ryan’s ex-lover) home. I know the facts and I am just so glad that Rachelle believes in me. She is totally enthralled and ‘in love’ with me. Rachelle Davies makes me feel the way I want to feel…as a ‘Happy Man’.

My arms got sun burnt and are now beginning to look tan from my recent bike ride to Castro Valley.

Mom telephoned at 9:15AM. I woke up and rode my bike over to have breakfast with mom and dad. It was pretty good. It was one of those ‘feeling lazy’ kinds of Sunday days.

I tried calling Rachelle several times throughout the day but—I guess---she had her ringer turned off. I stayed at mom and dad’s house and took a nap. When I heard Tony and Helen Armijo arrive I got up and we all got lazy together by just lounging around on mom’s sofa. We gabbed about what to name their baby which is due to be born on October 20th. They have a tentative name of ‘Anne Farrah Armijo. We all joked around. Helen sort of manicured my ginger nails. I clipped my toe nails. It’s a good thing, too (as I hadn’t planned later that evening that Rachelle’s ‘Candy’ would feel a taste of my big toe. Ha-ha.

I finally got through to Rachelle at about 5pm. We spoke of getting together tonight. I was to call her in half an hour to firm things up. When I called again she asked, “Can you come over at six-thirty?”
“Sure, I’ll be there on the dot.”

When I arrived to Rachelle’s house I recommended we go to San Ramon for a bit to eat even though she’d already eaten. I had not.
“Have you talked to Dale?” Rachelle asked.
“No, why do you keep asking me that?” I asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, I have no desire to speak to him because of all of his meddling…to be honest.”

We cruised through San Ramon (or should I say Rachelle did as I let her drive with the convertible top down). She looked fine with her hair blowing in the wind. We couldn’t find any one real exciting place to eat so we settled at WENDY’s in Castro Valley. Then we ended up at the Ice-Creamery on Castro Valley Boulevard (which was pretty good). By now, dusk was upon us.

We went to my house and Rodney, Candy, Rachelle and Michael had no trouble at all ‘fooling around’. We were having lots of fun over it. We lounged and stuff, too.
“Can I read you journal again?” I asked.
“No way,” Rachelle answered, being unusually over protective of it.
“Oh come on.”
“Oh no!”
I read one portion over her shoulder where she wrote that ‘Michael is twenty-six years old and is ready to get married’.
I thought, “Hmm…I guess I am ready.”
“I have an idea, Rachelle.”
“What?”
“Why don’t we go to the San Francisco Airport and fly to Reno or Vegas and tie the knot and NOT tell anyone.”
“Okay, let’s do it.”
She surprised me. She was all for it. So, I don’t know. Time will tell. I do know that I love her lots. After more ‘playing around’ we went for a bicycle ride from 9:30pm to 10:30pm around Bay Farm Island and South Shore. It was fun. She made me laugh when she crashed at Crown Memorial Park over a wooden railing. And then to top it off she rode through some sprinklers and got all wet. It was the most fun bike ride I’d had in a long time.
“Michael that was the most fun I’ve ever had with a guy.”
I guess those words sure made me feel good.

I feel guilty now because last week I only went to the gym twice. The week before that I only went twice. I have slacked off. It is a time for new beginnings. I have a new journal. I will start with regular aerobic classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I will be very tone this summer. I am going to try to have something to flaunt come the first week in September (that time that I will be off from work).

After our fun bike ride Rachelle and I returned to my house. She made me laugh when she couldn’t see where she was going and started to scream.
“You know…we could own one of those Harbor Bay homes overlooking the lagoon if we go into selling cocaine.”
“Yeah, right…you’re too funny today.”
“I know some guy who has a source in Florida who provides him with cocaine. He said he’d give me an eight-ball of coke if I paid him three-hundred fifty dollars.”
“What? Eight-ball?”

“Yeah, I could sell it for five-hundred and make profits galore.”
“No way!”
“Yeah, this guy has a black Mercedes and his girlfriend has a new Corvette.”
“It sounds good but…in the long run who would we sell it to? And what happens if we got caught?”
“I can sell at a party like that,” Rachelle said as she simultaneously snapped her fingers.

Rachelle thought my brother, John, was the eldest. I explained that today was his twenty-third birthday.
“I need to buy John a birthday present. I have to buy my Dad something, too, because Father’s Day is next Sunday!”

Rachelle and I had some orangeade. We kissed and caressed. I love to HUG her.
Rachelle said, “You never seem to reassure me of how you feel.”
“What? Here I send you cards, call you all of the time, kiss you, and hug you…not to mention Rodney’s feelings. Are you kidding?”
She smiles. I love her smile. I love her body, her everything. Oh, there are exceptions like her spats of bursting that lead to fights that she always seems to initiate!

Rachelle drove home. I drove back. I called her when I returned home but she got a call from her friend, Curtis. She spoke to him from 12:30PM to 1:30PM. Then, she decides to call me back! She knows full well that I have to work tomorrow, too.
“I was going to call Planned Parenthood tomorrow about the pill,” Rachelle revealed.
“Oh…well, that’s a good idea.”
She shrugged. I think she wanted to talk more.
I was so tired when she called that I said, “I’ll call you back tomorrow.”

I guess I’ll see Rachelle at the gym. I remember her telling me that she loved me after she’d got off the phone with Curtis, so that’s a good sign. I wonder what she talked to Curtis about. Did she tell him about me? I wonder what, if anything, did she tell Chuck. Chuck called her yesterday. He’s the one who took her to her Junior Prom. The main thing now is that I am the ‘one man’ she wants. Though my true rival (according to her) is Rick Springfield, the singer.

"Now you've had a taste of youth. It's never satisfying but you'll always want to go back for more."
-Michelle Pfeiffer as 'Lea de Lonval'
(2009 Drama/Romance Film "Cheri")

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A Pretty Intelligent Girl

On the other hand, she disliked personal discussions, which always led to snooping around in areas she considered private.
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Played With Fire"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 8, 1985
Saturday

I went to bed at 2:30AM or so last night—thanks to Rachelle. At lease she drives my car to her house and then I only have to drive one-way back to my house. I still feel sleepy when I have to drive home at that hour. I almost hit a curb last night from being half-asleep while driving.

I rode my bike to mom’s house at about 11AM. Ma and Pa were getting ready for my cousin, Rebecca Ortega’s wedding. I wasn’t invited. I had a small glass of juice and then, at noon, I rode my bike all the way to Castro Valley. I stopped at Rachelle’s house, arriving a little before 1:30PM. We shared a Diet-7-UP. I was so thirsty. We went in her backyard and did a little mountaineering by hiking beyond her backyard. There were tons of weeds and I was having nightmares over the potential of getting poison oak.
“I’ll be able to use it as an honest and true excuse from work if I do get poison oak,” I said to Rachelle.
She laughed.
Rachelle knew of a little clubhouse during the hike. So we went inside and it was a good place for ‘a little quickie’—but we didn’t do anything. We went back to her backyard and felt all queasy and itchy. It was like having a hay fever attack. I didn’t like that itchy feeling at all.

I left Rachelle’s by 3PM and went zooming along on my bike down Greenridge Drive. It was killer scary for a second or two around that one curve.

I stopped at a 7-11 Convenient Store across the street from Humana Hospital for an apple juice and a Hawaiian punch. I needed the liquids. I arrived home around 4:30PM. Rachelle called me to verify that I be there at 8:45PM for our planned dinner outing to Bobby McGee’s in San Ramon.

I slept until 6:15PM, dressed and showered. I stopped by mom’s house and she gave me the family scoop and gossip at Becky’s wedding. There was a funny coincidence, too. I told Rachelle about my cousin, Becky, and it turns out that Becky has cut Rachelle’s hair. Rachelle goes to ‘The Main Attraction’ often. It’s the hair salon where Becky works. The wedding was “pudgy” so-to-speak with only Champagne and Hors d’oeuvres.
Mom said, “There was no big meal or anything.”
“That’s disappointing.”
“So what else?”
“Well, Judy Garcia, got a divorce. Her husband was fooling around with another woman in their own house while Judy was asleep. And then he threw her out, the police came and everything.”
What a nightmare. Judy is my cousin, too.

I told Rachelle the Judy story over dinner.
“I wonder if her husband’s name is Joe Smith,” Rachelle said, referring to her ex-boyfriend.
I laughed aloud, “Why would you say that?”
“Oh, because I gave him my house key and he screwed some freshman girl named Tina in my own bedroom. I even have proof of the fact!”
“You’re kidding me! What a creep is all I have to say.”

I was just happy that Rachelle and I had each other now. The waitress that served us at Bobby McGee’s was named “Flo”. She was funny and the meal was good despite having to look at Rachelle’s very rare prime rib.

Before we went into the restaurant I wrote a bit in my journal. Rachelle did the same with the new journal I gifted her. She got all pissed-off when I turned off the car light. What a baby! She nags at me sometimes like I’m her mother or father. I’m only trying to help and she thinks I think she’s stupid. I think she’s a PIG (a Pretty Intelligent Girl).

After our nice dinner we went to my house. I’d already had a melon midori margarita. We ended up making margaritas at my house. We lounged around in the living room. She let me browse through her red journal book. We were buzzed and she began to make a few statements regarding my sexuality.
“What would you do at this point?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“What wouldn’t you do?”
“You’re talking in riddles.”
“I feel unsure about where you and I are concerned,” Rachelle said.
“You know I love you.”
“I know.”
“And you know you’re the only one that I want, right?”
“Yes.”
“You know—you amazed me the other day when you said you wouldn’t care if Bob Maloney and I did something together. Why did you say that?”
“I don’t know.”
“And I know you were ‘head over heels’ over him at the gym for a while.”
We laughed.

Rodney was ‘out of it’. Michael was tired as well, considering they’d both been going to bet at 3AM the last few days—be it over the telephone or whatever. So, Rodney and Candy (that’s what I named Rachelle’s you-know-what) had a brief fooling around session…but nothing climactic.

Rachelle got on Michael’s case about not paying enough attention or not making the first move, making her feeling unwanted. I changed those vibes by the end of the night.

His humility, his submissiveness, touched her, and when he finally took her in his arms, she did not resist.
-Stefan Zweig
"The Post-Office Girl"

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Diarrhea of the Mouth

If we don't get along with someone, why can't we just NOT talk; why do we have to go around tripping one another?
-James Kirkwood
"Good Times, Bad Times", a novel

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 7, 1985
Friday

Dale called me between 2-2:30AM in the morning.
“You know…you pissed me off!”
“Why?”
“You know, I read my May 25th journal entry to Rachelle. She has never had a hold on any other parts of my journal!”
“It’s not that I was trying to cause a break-up between you and Rachelle,” Dale said, defensively.
“I don’t know about that.”
“You have to be more honest and hope to discuss everything with me,” Dale begged.
“Oh, sure…that’ll be the day.”
“Well, I won’t be talking to Rachelle anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I like her very much.”
“I’ll talk to you in the morning.”
“I don’t want to see you in the morning to talk about this. I think we should just part as friends.”
“Fine,” I said, and hung up the phone.

Rachelle told me she’d been crying for the last twenty minutes. I find this hard to believe.
“I was talking to Dale…but we need to talk now,” Rachelle said, holding back tears.
“Why?”
“I want to know about your four month relationship with George.”
“Oh God, give me a break!”
She really set me off right ether. Dale’s a fuckin’ trouble-making bastard (whether he realizes it or not).

On my way to work this morning I was thinking of Dale and how I don’t wish to converse with him. Perhaps we won’t talk unless he takes the initiative. He claims that Rachelle knows other things from reading my journal. I know its all ‘bull’ because we fooled him. I only read to her what I KNOW I read. Dale has gone and had ‘diarrhea of the mouth’ as usual.

The work day moved fairly quickly. My supervisor, Stephanie, had the day off. Our section decided to have a pot luck celebration for Stephanie’s birthday. I hardly exchanged any words to Dale today. Ryan did invite me to go to break with him (and Dale). I accepted.

Ryan and I talked most of the time. Ryan got the vibes that Dale and I were not on speaking terms. He was correct. I was surprised when Dale said, “No, we’re speaking.”

At lunch I went on my own to visit my bank. Then I went to my car for Paloma’s mailing address. I wrote Paloma a lengthy letter. I wrote her a lot more about me that I had never shared with her before. I wrote a lot of the same information that Rachelle had recently learned. I cannot wait to hear from Paloma now. I need to know her reaction.

Paloma wrote me a lengthy letter about how she missed and loved me. She had written about some guy that she met who already wants to share an apartment with her. She wrote that she’s not interested. She claims Paris gents are different from Americans (a generalization?)

I have a June 7, 1985 postmarked postcard of MARILYN MONROE from Paris from Paloma.
She wrote:

Hello Michael,
Here is one more for your collection. Do you know that right now I’m writing you more than you are! I bet you just write me when you get one. I won’t say anything else—if you see what I mean. I miss you very much and I hope we’ll go dancing together very, very soon.
Love you,
Paloma

Dale appeared while I was on break with Sue and Mary. Sue and Mary were going to the countryside this weekend. There were going to invite me.
“It sounds great,” I said to Sue and Mary, “but I am going to the A’s game on Friday night and Bobby McGee’s on Saturday night.”

I came home to change clothes and I drove to Castro Valley to pick up Rachelle for the A’s Game. She wasn’t exactly ready, so I hung out for a while and looked through Heidi’s high-school yearbook. Once we arrived at the COLISEUM there were a lot of cars because there was also a Phil Collins concert.

Rachelle left me at my seat to get our hot dogs and beer. When she returned Ryan Hargrave and Bob Gross (from my office) showed up! They sat next to us. It was fun. The game was ‘so-so’. We managed to bear with the whole scene. As far as I was concerned “our” company (Rachelle and I) was all that mattered.

Rachelle wanted to go up to the third level of the stadium. I obliged with her wishes. Suddenly, she bumped into Rick, an old chum from her ‘Trock & Bock’ boot shop days. We talked to him for a bit and then went back down to our seats. Ryan and Bob had already left for the night. We hung out a bit longer and some ‘fellas’ by the snack bar were “ogling and haggling” over Rachelle. It made me feel jealous. At the same time it made me glad that she was mine. Why she turns to check out the other male scenery is beyond me. I feel it belittles me.

We went to my house and made love a couple of times. We kissed and caressed. She’s such a beautiful lady. I just hate her little nag about days and moments. The slithering dirty looks are annoying. It’s like she is yelling at me for no good reason at all. I was trying to be helpful while she was driving.
I said, “Rachelle, don’t tailgate so close to cars.”
She moaned and groaned.
“Rachelle, don’t turn that corner so tightly.”
“You ALWAYS correct me over everything!” She yelled out defensively.
I was silent. I thought she was crazy. I knew she’d been talking to Dale just because I correct him sometimes. It’s because he always does wrong, too. It was funny after the A’s game because we couldn’t find my car. Our being together and loving of one another was all the more memorable for me on this night.

There was over me a yearning for sleep, in some sort of blind belief that to wake would be to find things changed, and that any change must now be for the better. Before we parted, we discussed what our next step was to be, but we could arrive at no result.
-Bram Stoker
"Dracula"

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I Ran

I understand why he travels so much—what he’s really doing is running away from those memories.
-Stefan Zweig
“The Post-Office Girl”

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 6, 1985
Thursday

I arrived at my parking lot in San Francisco early despite my going to bed late. I think I was on the phone with Rachelle until midnight. I need to call about a calling plan to Castro Valley tomorrow. My frequent calls there are getting out of hand.

When Dale arrived at the parking lot I had a few questions—or should I say a few confrontations. I accused him of lies and deceit. The 1983 song from the Thompson Twins is ringing in my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-x3TMBeX-ws

I asked Dale pointedly, “What exactly and Why exactly did you talk to Rachelle about me and Ryan?”
Dale reasoned, stuttered and asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, Rachelle asked me about my relationship with Ryan. I was dumbfounded. She said that you had asked her if I had ever told her about Ryan and myself.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh…and the only thing I could think to tell Rachelle was that Ryan’s ex, Ron, kind of liked me and wanted to do some things with me…but I told her that Ron and I never did anything.”
“I see,” Dale stated, acting as if he knew nothing.
“Then she asked me about my disease that you claimed that I have now! That stupid lie really pissed me off.”
“No, I never said either of those statements!”
All of this has led me to believe that Rachelle surely has an inquiring mind and wants to know. She knows how to fish for information. It’s no wonder Dale sees ‘himself’ in her.

Dale and I went to that Burrito place again near Union Square. He had some things on his mind.
“Michael, I’m unhappy with Dee.”
“Did you ask for a divorce or anything like that?”
“Not yet—but I love Andrew a lot. And between you and Rachelle AND Ryan and Joe I have a lot of wheelin’ and dealin.”
I laughed because I know he loves the involvement. I also think that he envies our relationships.
“What else is on your mind?” I asked.
“Well, you know my brother, Paul?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m suspicious that he may be having an affair with our newly introduced half-sister, Kim. In fact, I am sure of it and I’m not sure what to do.”
“That’s crazy.”
“I think it’s disgusting. I mean, it’s literally incest.”

Dale and I spoke during our last break and I think he is distraught over his mixed feelings and vibes between him and our second line manager, Larry.
Dale asked, “Are we still going to take that trip to San Diego in July?”
“I’m not sure yet.”
“I’m thinking of taking Andrew and leaving to another state like Florida…or Hawaii. I’m not sure. I just want to get out of our office to spite Larry and for my own self.”
“Running away doesn’t solve anything, Dale. And starting a new life in another city is never the answer. You’d always want to vacate and go back to California or wherever. I know that’s how it would be. My short-distant move to Sacramento proved that.”

I started to think of the song “I RAN” by Flock of Seagulls from 1982.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUjIA3Rt7gk

Dale and Ryan went to aerobics class together. I wanted to go to my own gym last night and tonight but I promised Rachelle I would appear for her Certification ceremony as a Physical Therapy’s Aid Trainee tonight. She kind of upset me. She asked, “What are you going to wear?”
“Why?”
“I just don’t want you to wear your white cap, any boots or your suspender pants or those yellow shorts that Ryan bought you,” Rachelle blurted.
“Look…I wear what I want to wear.”
I thought, “I hope she loves me for what I am and NOT what I do or do not wear.”

I spoke to Ryan today.
“I’ll be joining you guys next Tuesday or Thursday for aerobics.”
“Great,” Ryan said.
I think it will be fun and rewarding in the long run.

I drove to Michael Bruno’s of San Francisco to buy the matching genuine leather journals that originated from A and M Leatherlines in New York, NY. I bought two of them. I have a nice black one for me and a red one (the excitement color) for Rachelle. I had Rachelle’s wrapped with ‘CONGRATULATIONS’ written on it.

Due to traffic difficulties I arrived home at 6:20PM. I had to rush and get ready for Rachelle’s ceremony. I wore my Khaki Calvin Klein pants and a short-sleeved summertime shirt. I arrived at the MARIN Career Center in good time. Rachelle was in the blue turquoise dress that we almost bought at MACY’s last week. She looked tall, beautiful and HOT. Sometimes I am in awe of her looks. I re-met her mom, dad, Grandma, girlfriend Heidi, and was introduced to Rich, her pal and Physical Therapist connection.

The awards were given in a junior high school Auditorium setting. It was nice. I applauded for Rachelle. I am very proud of her. She’s a success story of only about twenty graduates out of a class that started with fifty students. I am so impressed and proud of her ambitions. I love her more and more. After the awards we got together for cookies and punch. We gabbed for a while. Then she and Heidi followed me to the Black Angus. The girls were carded there, so we moved to another area. They never came by to serve us, so we moved on to Red Robin where we shared potato skins and laughed up a storm. Rachelle and I exchanged kisses a number of times.

I wonder where Rachelle and I will lead to in the end. I am recalling the conversation I had with her mom. Her mom casually mentioned the phrase ‘when Rachelle has kids’. Her mom also said something about her ‘working full-time or part-time before or while she’s married’. I knew her mom kind of knew where my head was at and I thought she was giving me signals. I would like to marry Rachelle. The question is will it happen now? Rachelle has a lot of questions—I am sure---about my ‘sordid’ past (as Dale likes to describe it).
Rachelle keeps saying, “It doesn’t matter.”
Then she suddenly loves and yearns to hear about every damn detail. Maybe that is why I love her. She’s the only gal I’ve ever dated that has known.

Dale said, “I’m going to write a book with three sections…The Dale Story, The Michael Story and The Ryan Story…and then let Dale, Michael and Ryan merge as three close friends and ‘then some’ to be announced.”
I couldn’t help but laugh and say, “Sounds like a hot story to me.”
I added, “I know I’ll have to clear up a lot of your writing with my red pen with corrections galore.”
He smirked. 

After the excursion at Red Robin we departed ways.
“I’ll call you at ten forty-five,” I said to Rachelle, as I glanced at my watch and saw that it was already 10PM.

I stopped by mom’s house. She’s on vacation this week. I’ve barely stopped by to visit, so I was kind of feeling bad about that. She seemed lonely but she was watching a VCR movie that she’d taped. I love mom. I love spending time with her because she is so damn fun. But now Rachelle has entered my life and I feel and want to spend more time with her. I hope mom understands.
Mom asked, “Are you coming over tomorrow?”
“No, because I’m going to that A’s game.”
Mom wouldn’t admit it but I know in the back of her mind she’d love me to stay with her to watch a flick or something.

I received a nice, surprise and “clincher of a last line” letter from Paloma today. She misses California and mentioned being jealous of Rachelle but not sure why. She wrote that she’d gone out with some guy but it is ‘yucky’ for her and has already started to hate him for practically planning and forcing seriousness between the two too fast. She’s working regularly and feels more out of shape than she had before. She can’t seem to feel the independence in Paris as she did here. That means she couldn’t go out by herself like she often did when she went to the I-BEAM to dance. She also wrote of the predicament of her never having spent the night with me, claiming it was my fault because I never really showed my feelings. As I backtrack in my mind I did feel shunned from her. The closing line Paloma wrote was a surprise and such a GREAT line:
“Tell me, what do you think about having a baby?”

PHOTO: Paloma, 1985

I guess I sort of do want a baby—but if and when it happens only time will tell. I will not rush the issue. I wonder if she feels she’s working her way back to the US through these subliminal phrases in her letters. Maybe I am imagining it all.

I spoke to Rachelle and I know she was just talking to Dale about me. We were supposed to have a three-way conversation without Dale’s knowledge. I was on the line but Rachelle denies being on the line. I have a sneaking suspicious that they’re talking now and Dale’s making his influential speeches about my past sexual behavior along with my current fascination for her.

Now that Rachelle knows these startling facts about me I want to give Paloma a chance to learn, see and analyze her reaction. I think I will! I’ll write her a controversial letter on Saturday—or even tomorrow—if I have time. I will spill my life as I recall it. Perhaps Paloma’s open-mindedness will be more rewarding for me.

I just telephoned Rachelle and she pissed me off. We had a conspiracy idea to gang up on Dale and now I almost want to cry. I called Dale and there was no answer on his phone at 11:30PM only because he’s ignoring his call waiting (me). I did the same on Rachelle’s line and she ignored me as well. Finally, Rachelle answered and she accused me of lying to her, going on about Craig of Palm Springs and how he went down on me and gave me ‘head’ in Hawaii. And how I got f%*#k’d before.
“As if you never did anything else, making me believe you didn’t enjoy it,” Rachelle shouted.
I couldn’t believe she was getting so graphic and to top it off I knew she was talking to Dale about me.

I have a good mind to NOT speak to either one of them because I am so damn pissed. I couldn’t hold back as I telephoned Dale.
“I’m talking to Rachelle and she tells me that she’s talking to Jim DeLoures of Walnut Creek,” Dale said.
I cannot take the shouting, the bickering.  I hung up.

I thought, “This relationship is not going to work. I want to CHOP IT right now—even though she says nothing has changed. I despise her monotone voice. The hatred she flung at me by wanting to make me feel that big (tiny) and embarrassed of it all. That is how I feel in discussing my homosexual experiences. Why can’t she accept US for what WE are now and forever hold her peace? If she continues to bring this up and hold it—the least bit—against me I do NOT want any part of it…or her for that matter. If she can’t accept my strong hold of love for her perhaps another woman will.”

And as for Dale I thought, “He tells of his analysis but only I know myself the bottom line. He has no business discussing my personal feelings based on his narrow-minded opinions. I sometimes hate the bloated Pillsbury dough man ‘IN’ him! He’s full of too much hot air for me to handle. My intent right now is to forever relinquish NOT one more word to him or Rachelle. I can bet that Rachelle will call to chew me out for no reason only because of Dale’s idiosyncrasies that bring value to her—not me! It is midnight and time for me to turn in. I’ll let my journal know if she calls me back and what we talk about. If we argue she’s a BITCH because there’s no point in it. I’m tired of trying to defend myself. I don’t need either one of them. Perhaps my new journal will begin with another name other than Rachelle. She’s too young and perhaps Dale’s right in one respect. She’s a bit too naïve.”

Last night was a bit of a fiasco as far as I can see.

So I can finish this diary, and GOD only knows if I shall ever begin another. If I do, or if I even open this again, it will be to deal with different people and different themes, for here at the end, where the romance of my life is told, ere I go back to take up the thread of my life-work, I say sadly and without hope.
-Joseph Conrad
“The Secret Agent”

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