Dreamer

If you stare at anything long enough you imagine you see change and it's probably the involuntary movement of your own eyes from keeping them fixed for so long.
-James Kirkwood
"Good Times Bad Times", a novel

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 30, 1985
Tuesday

On Saturday 'Day' Dale and I plan to visit a series of variety stores to view potential ideas and get suggestions about our ‘Chip n’ Dale’s’ store.

Dale supposedly had a premise visit in Antioch this morning with a prospective client. Apparently, Dee and the baby returned home from the hospital today, too.

Dale surprised me, Sue and Mary at noon when he drove up in front of the building. We all went to a Sub Sandwich shop for lunch. It was okay.

Mary and Sue joined me for my first and last breaks today. We sat outside together because it was such a nice day and all.
“Can you believe Dale hadn’t mailed my speeding ticket bail that was due on April 25th?” I said to Mary and Sue.
Mary said, “Unbelievable.”
“He mailed it on the 29th; I hope I don’t get in trouble.”
Sue answered, “You better watch out, Michael, there might be a warrant out for your arrest if you’re ever pulled over.”
“I know.”
And of course, now I am worried.

I took a lot of phone calls while at work today. I felt pretty exhausted, too. I had plans to go biking as soon as I got home but I found a little pleasure with a nap. When I woke up at 7PM it was still daylight. I telephoned Dad.
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing, just watching the news,” Dad said.
I telephoned Sherri.
“Hi, what are you doing?”
“Not much, just reading. John is watching a game on TV. Ashley is sleeping.”
I decided to lounge and watch a bit of ‘Wheel of Fortune’ and ‘Entertainment Tonight’. I gathered my thoughts to form a Management by Objectives paradigm for AEI (Ashley Enterprises International) with general focus on the subsidiaries Chip n’ Dale’s and MADO Graphics.

Dale called at 8:30PM.
“I just called because I knew you wouldn’t call me.”
“Well, I’m busy,” I said, thinking that I already have a fifty-dollar phone bill and calling to Pittsburg has message unit charges!
Dale continued, “Well, Steff called me and she says she hasn’t spoken to you for days.”
“She did?"
“Yes. She said she has practically forgotten all about you because she met some Don Juan by the name of Lee who swept her off of her feet.”
I laughed.
“Good for her,” I said. “That’s encouraging. She thinks she's someone she's not.”

“She said the guy has a Jaguar and took her on a picnic in the park.”
“And I’m sure her plan was to give you this story to pass it on to me in the hopes that I will get jealous. Are you supposed to urge me to call her now?”
“You could be right,” Dale said.
“Well, her plan isn’t going to work.”

Dale and I are excited about our plans to start our own business. I gave him the goals, objectives and activities that I had tentatively gathered.
“All of these activities still need branching out,” I said excitedly.
“The partnership has to be a fifty-fifty partnership,” Dale insisted.
“That’s fine with me…with no strings attached.”
We were considering a corporate name of A Mirage Company, Inc. OR an Image Company, Inc. but we firmed up with the AEI (Ashley Enterprises International). I can imagine Ashley at age 21 and seeing her name in the headline. Dreamer. Yawn.


Many a dwelling is like a dream, the sparkle of passing pleasure seems to hide some ruin beneath the cold smile of luxury; but this parlor, sublime in reality, harmonious in tone, diffused the patriarchal ideas of a full and self-contained existence.
-Honroe de Balzac
"Seraphita"

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Keep Your Cool

“Shorten and simplify it. That’s what we do in journalism.”
-Steig Larsson
“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 29, 1985
Monday

Dale and I woke up before 6AM and drove to Antioch to pick up his Grand Prix. We went to pick up Tim and Al and we car-pooled to work in San Francisco.

Work seemed to be rather slow today; however, I was not approved for any E time. Dale didn’t get any E time either.

Dale and Ryan want to go skating tomorrow night. I’ve decided to forfeit the idea of going along. It’s mainly because I cannot skate and I hate the “vibes” at that gay San Leandro skating rink. I also don’t like the way Dale and Ryan are teasing me over little nonsense things (my homophobia).

Dale and I are respectively proud father and Godfather to little Andrew Michael-Joe Orlando. I shared the news to a few people in the office. It was funny when Dale came around my desk, asking with whom I have not shared the news.

Margaret Lai came into the office on her day-off with her little boy, Lance. He’s cute.

I love Ashley so much. I’m always raving about her: “my sweet niece”.

At lunchtime Dale and I went into a greeting card shop and we’re hip to the idea of opening our own card shop as a partnership. Dale bought me a JOHN WAYNE poster while I wasn’t looking (only because I mentioned that ‘The Duke’ and I were born on the same day).

Steff didn’t call me once today. I was flabbergasted and happy about it. I didn’t feel a need to call on her either.

Dale and I enjoyed our last break with Sue and Mary. We talked about Sue and the fights she’s been having with Hank, her boyfriend, now that she’s bailed him out of jail for his multitude of speeding tickets. I also discussed my little brother, John, and the spaghetti noodle episode (When I was four years old I placed a spaghetti noodle (uncooked) in my brother’s ear and was scolded by my mother for doing that.) I also discussed my Uncle Raymond’s pencil in the ass story (When my brother, Tony, and I were kids our Uncle came over and spent the night and the circumstances were unclear but brother placed a pencil on Uncle Raymond’s ass). Sue shared a ‘come and suck you off’ episode when she started high-school. It was a break time of sharing stories that made us all laugh.

Dales asked, “Do you want to go to the Vallejo Hospital to see Andrew after work?”
“Uh,” I hesitated.
“I’ll drive you home afterwards.”
“Well, okay then.”
Al, Tim, Dale and I car-pooled together to Walnut Creek. We had fun in the car imitating the following coworkers: Emmy Pena, David Vigil, Billy Rose, and Jewel. It was really funny.

We arrived at the Vallejo Hospital and I changed into my jeans and my Sausalito Beach Club shirt in the car while at the Vallejo Hospital parking lot.
Dale said, “I’ve seen more of your flesh in public than anywhere else.”
I had to laugh.

I noticed in Dale’s notebook that he had not mailed my SPEIGEL Catalog payment or my speeding ticket bail check. I couldn’t believe it! Damn! He mailed them today.

I saw Matthew, Dee, Dee’s mother and Andrew. I didn’t get to hold Andrew but I saw him through the observatory window. He’s so cute.

When we left the hospital Dale and I started getting hyped up with ideas we are floating about a new business called “Chip n’ Dale’s”, a division of A Mirage Company Inc. and MADO Graphics. Our ‘Chip n’ Dale’s store will have a variety of goods with a core focus on greeting cards that are especially designed by MADO Graphics Cards. We’ll have posters, candles, polo shirts with the customer’s choice graphics on the shirt. Ideas are flurrying about a location at Sun Valley Mall or Bay Fair Shopping Center. I suggested Sherri as our store manager and an 800 METRO WATS line number with a special catalog design. We are just brainstorming right now. I believe we will make the move and be successful.

We stopped over at South Shore Shopping Center in Alameda for a quick walk-through. Dale dropped me off at home after the walk.
The last thing I said, “Don’t forget to consider problems and solutions for our business partnership. I’ll do the same. Our brand image is so important and key to our biz, so we have to stress the quality of our store.”
“Okay,” Dale said.

I went to the gym and I saw Bob and Russ. They gave their usual ‘QBL’ looks. I maintained my composure and had a good workout. I went straight home for some refreshing apple juice.

I returned a phone call recorded message from Howard Edelstein. I am supposed to call him soon to see about getting together.

I also received a call from Steff but I did not call her back.

Dale telephoned me again and we had more ‘new business’ talk on logos, new products, target marketing, location, etc. It’s exciting! Our ideas together make something powerful. The funds are the only real ‘bitch’. It was getting late.
“Okay Dale, we should ‘dreamscape’ now.”
“Good night.”
Yawn.

Recently I’d been reading a novel in which the leading character kept telling his buddy, “Keep your cool.”
I took that for my slogan. Keep my cool, no matter what.
-James Kirkwood
“Good Times Bad Times”, a novel

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The Godfather

 PHOTO: ARMIJO Coat of Arms

"You like books because you can close them whenever you want."
"Life isn't like that..."
-"Best of Youth" (2003 Film)

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 28, 1985
Sunday

I’m a Godfather. I have a god son named Andrew Michael-Joe Orlando born at 9:27AM (at 10 lbs. 4 ounces). I feel good about it. Dale’s real dad’s surname was Atkinson but Dale’s step-dad adopted Dale and Paul when they were youngsters. Andrew’s initials almost spell ARMIJO (Andrew Michael Joe Orlando). Maybe he’ll be confirmed as Robert Ian to make the ARMIJO complete. Ha-ha.

I had breakfast at mom’s house when Sherri telephoned.
“Ashley stood up by herself! And I bought a new cruiser bike with a seat for Ashley. I can’t wait to ride it.”
“That’s great. I can’t wait to see Ashley standing.”

Dale dropped by and my Dad made us laugh.
“Have you ever met a girl who never farted?” Dad asked.
We were talking about Steff because we know she does.

Dale and I stopped by to see Ashley for a minute. Then I drove to Pittsburg where we intended on relaxing and watching “Arthur the King”, “Three Days of the Condor”, “The Bad Seed”, and “The Heartbreak Kid”.

I felt sorry for Dee and the rip she went through while giving birth to Andrew. Apparently, she ripped all the way to her anus. Ouch! The stitching took a half hour and forty-five minutes and there was blood everywhere. Again, ‘another bloody good show’. Who knew these things happen?

I was lying out by the swimming pool while Dale went to get a VCR and rent “Dreamscape” and an X-rated movie called “Young Girls”. I got tired of lying out by the pool, so I went to Dale’s and played fetch the ball with Scruffy (or Dusty), their dog.

When Dale returned home he looked beat. We napped while watching “Arthur the King”. We had dinner as Dale prepared pork chops, corn on the cob, and mashed-potatoes with gravy. It was all good. We watching a bit of “Young Girls” and immediately switched to “Halloween”, “Dreamscape” and the beginning of “Three Days of the Condor”. Then we went to bed.

PHOTO: "I read books!"
-Robert Redford
"Three Days of the Condor"

Dale made an issue of my not wanting to sleep with him in his bed. There’s no need to mention that I felt uncomfortable about it.
I said adamantly, “First of all, you may snore and I like all of the room to myself. I’m just used to sleeping alone. I sleep better that way!”
Dale seemed to fall for my reasoning. Why shouldn’t he? It was all true.

"I didn't choose to love men."
-"A Love To Hide" (2005 Film)

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My Life & My Identity

Memory is so corrupt that you remember only what you want to;
if you want to forget about something, slowly but surely you do.
-Stefan Zweig
"The Post-Office Girl"

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 27, 1985
Saturday

I telephoned the Vallejo Hospital last night about the status of Dee Orlando and the baby.
The nurse said, “They were sent home.”

Dale called this morning.
“Would you believe the baby still isn’t here?”
“Why?”
“It wasn’t time. Tonight is probably going to be the night she has it.”
“I’ll call you after my haircut.”

Mike Miller called and we caught up on things. He’s all caught up on a possible Lab Tech vocation or a Chiropractor. He is so indecisive. He will be twenty-three on May 2nd. I persuaded Mike to join me for breakfast at Ole’s Waffle Shop.
“Sue’s still asleep.”
“That’s okay, we can still go or she can join us later. I’ll pick you up in about fifteen minutes.”

Mike Miller and I were enjoying the Ole’s breakfast when I decided to give in by telling him about the possible marriage to Paloma.
“Really?”
“Yeah, and did you hear about Bonni Jayne?”
“No, what’s going on with her?”
“She’s bartending at a strip joint in New York. I don’t really know much more.”
Suzy joined us later. I shared the ‘Paloma’ and ‘Bonni’ news in addition to the Tony’s marriage to Helen news being made official on March 29, 1985. We departed after breakfast. Sue gave Mike a ride home.

When I walked to my car I noticed I had inadvertently left my light on for some unknown reason. Then my car would not start. I called mom.
“Hi mom. You won’t believe this but I accidentally left my lights on and my car won’t start. I’m parked at Long’s Drugs in Alameda. Can Dad come over to jump the cables?”
“Yeah, but he loaned the cables to John the other day. Let me call John.”
“Okay, hurry.”
John said, “The cables are in my car trunk and the car’s in the shop.”
And so, mom was going to come and pick me up when she said, “Dale just called and they were going for a drive to Alameda, so he will meet you there to jump your cable.”
“Really?” I asked. “Okay, I will wait here.

Dee and Dale Orlando arrived to jump cable my car. I thanked them and then I was off to Alamo for my ‘Danny Garcia’ haircut. It was truly so nice of Dale to go out of his way to come by to jump cable my car.

When I arrived in Alamo at precisely 1PM I was given a great haircut.
Danny said, “You know Michael. You were right.”
“About what?”
“You said that my lover, roommate Robert relationship wouldn’t last longer than six months and that’s exactly what is happening. I don’t think it’s going to last much longer.”
He cut my hair a bit different today. He also persuaded me to go out with him and Robert tonight. The plan was to meet at 7PM.

After my haircut I stopped at Chris Cordellos’ house. He wasn’t home. His mom was there and I left a message.
“Just tell him I stopped by.”
Then I drove to Pittsburg to Dee and Dale’s house. Dee was napping and looked VERY pregnant.

Dale and I took a drive to his cousin’s house. His second cousin is named Carrie Harris and she was quite a “looker”. I love her hair. There were some cement workers in front of her house. One of the cement workers was a definite “MT” (My Type). We returned to Dale’s house and took Dee with us for a ride to Tony and Dennis’ Ice-Cream Shop. We remained there until 5PM when we saw Dennis Reno arrive. It was fun and quaint to just hang out there, talking. We took a short walk in and around the Sun Valley Mall. We were in the MACY’s Tiger Shop when Dale and I simultaneously asked a clerk a question.
“Is Chris Cordellos working today?”
“I don’t recognize that name,” the MACY’s sales clerk replied.
I am beginning to wonder whether or not he really works at MACY’s. Could it be that he was just embarrassed to tell me that he wasn’t working? I don’t know.

Dale, Dee and I went back to Dale’s cousin’s house. I met Carrie’s sister, Shelly, who is a nurse who f&*%#ks around with a football player at St. Mary’s. That is the way Dale explained it. We stayed there a while until we ate at a rinky-dink hole-in-the-wall Mexican Restaurant in the “clean”, run-down Downtown area of Pittsburg. The food seemed artificial to me. The refried beans were orange. Ugh!

It was getting close to 7:00PM. I headed to Alamo to Danny’s. I didn’t arrive until 8PM because his apartment complex is such a maze. When I reached his apartment two girls greeted me. They escorted me to the laundry room where Danny was washing clothes. I helped him with the laundry and hung out at his pad until Robert showed up. He was very nice, good-looking with blue eyes. He reminded me of George Jones a bit. I liked his personality. I ended up staying there until 11PM, gabbing about nonsense things such as music, friends, work and travel.
“I don’t really feel like going out because I don’t have a change of clothes,” I said.
I sensed that they didn’t want to go out either. I didn’t like when Danny made a comment about Dale.
He bad-mouthed him by referring to him as ‘Dale the Whale’. I didn’t like that.

Danny and Robert and their straight girlfriend, Janice, are going out to The Oasis in San Francisco next Saturday night. They invited me to meet them there. It should be fun.
When I was alone with Robert I said, “Danny has told me such nice things about you.”
“He has?” Robert asked in surprise.
“Yeah, he gave me all the oohs and ahhs about you.”
“Are you going to stick around to see if that’s true?”
I laughed, wondering if that was a ‘come on’ or what.
Danny whispered to me quietly, “Robert thinks you are cute.”
All I know is that I didn’t want to pull another Ron Shelly episode as I did amongst Ryan and Ron. Their relationship was ending and I don’t want to be a rebound at the end of things.

I drove to mom’s and dad’s house and gave mom briefings of my full-fledged day in Contra Costa County.
“I was watching ‘Arthur the King’ with Tony because he couldn’t handle Nicole’s crying,” mom said.
Nicole is Helen’s niece. Helen was babysitting for Geneva.

I went home not long after the brief visit with mom. I was thinking about that cement worker that caught my eye at Dale’s cousins’ house. Then I was thinking of Carrie Harris (Dale’s cute cousin). Carrie works for Blue Cross in Downtown Oakland.

Dale telephoned.
“Michael, I’m at the Vallejo hospital again. I am troubled.”
“Why? Don’t worry. It will all be okay.”
“It’s not the baby. I’m just troubled about my life and my identity.”
“You just have to focus on being happy, Dale,” I said, trying to make him feel better. I couldn’t help but realize I was doing the same talk with Frank just the other day. Dale began to feel consoled from our conversation.
“The baby is three centimeters,” Dale announced, “Tonight is the NIGHT!”
“Call me when you learn the official news!”

Something indefinite is always worse than something definite, a strong fear that doesn't last very long is easier than one that's nebulous but doesn't go away.
-Stefan Zweig
"The Post-Office Girl"

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If You Leave Me Now

"Every story needs a contrary opinion."
-Velvet Goldmine (1998 Film)
If You Leave Me Now
by CHICAGO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32GdEFADy6s&feature=related

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 26, 1985
Friday

It’s 6AM and Dale is not picking me up after all. Dee has been in labor.
“I feel like today is the day,” Dale said.
So, congrats to them and me (Mr. Godfather)…
Dale continued, “By the way, I spoke to Steff last night and she said she wouldn’t be calling you.”
“That’s funny because she called last night!”
“You’re kidding me. I spoke to Mary, too.”
I just have that gut-feeling that Dale won’t admit it but he has a strange interest in me. I will bet on it. Today it will just be Mary and I (Sue has E-time and Dale is expecting).

Mary and I had lunch together on Market Street. We shared a hot dog…or no ‘polish dogs’. I was trying to decide (with her help) whether I should go and see Dale’s baby be born or try and face Steff and go to the CHICAGO concert. Steff did call a couple of times for non-business reasons today. One time she called the main line and Karyn Kossoff answered. Steff knew that Karyn and I had gone out a few times and actually said to Karyn, “Oh…you’re the one who went to the Diana Ross concert. Could you leave this message to Michael from me?”
“Okay,” Karyn said, I assume with a very puzzled look on her face.
“Tell him I will meet him at five o’clock instead.”
How rude! Then she called the office main number again and Mary McTiernan answered the line.
When I called Steff back I arranged a 3-way call with Dale on the line.
I said, “Steff, I am thinking of going to see Dale and the baby. His wife is in labor.”
“Let me know what you decide.”
Before I could call her back again she called me to say, “My car broke down and I’m stuck at some gas station in Alameda.”
“Where in Alameda are you?”
I gave her directions to the Coliseum (where CHICAGO was to perform), then hung-up.

By 5PM Dee had still not given birth. I called Dale from my desk to get the scoop.
“Dale, I’ve decided to go ahead and go to the CHICAGO concert since we’d planned it so far in advance.”
“How could you?” Dale seemed rather upset.
“Don’t worry, I’ll call you when I get home, okay?”

I suddenly received a call from Chris Cordellos while at work.
“Michael, I’m off on Saturday, so you should stop over after your haircut from Danny in Alamo.”
“Okay, I’ll see. I have to go now though because it’s CHICAGO concert night.”

A guy named Doug called from Wilkes-Bashford who wanted to talk to Susan Bickley (in the office) about a Disconnect order of several telephone lines.
“Oh sure…by the way, do you know Bob Umland?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, well he’s a friend of mine. Where are you moving the store?”
“I really don’t know and I’m not at liberty to discuss it.”
“I understand. Let me get Susan Bickley for you.”
What a creep.

I drove home and had to lie down to recuperate from the day. The phone rang and it was Steff calling from the Harbor Bay Landing Shopping Center.
“So, just come on over,” I commanded.
Just as Steff arrived the telephone rang and it was Dale.
“Yeah, Dale, Steff is here now and we’re going to see CHICAGO.”
Dale seemed disturbed. I felt a trite bad about it but I went with Steff to see CHICAGO.

Steff suggested, “Why don’t we go to the beach?”
“Now?”
“I thought it might be walking distance from your house.”
“No, we’d have to drive a short distance to get there.”
She allowed me to drive her car. Our keys were placed into a hat to determine which car we would drive. Her car was actually an old car that belonged to Pete (one of the guy’s in the band). I drove it to the beach just so she could see.
“I love to walk,” Steff said.
And so, we walked along the beach (not holding hands, of course). There was enough distance apart. When we got to the end of the beach she “farted”. I pretended not to hear it.
That’s when she said, “Did you hear that car?”
I said, “What?”
“Did you see that car?”
“No.” How rude. She was just trying to cover up her fart. We continued our walk on the pavement and then back on through the sand. We were back at the car by 7:30PM and she was ‘pooped’.

We drove to the Oakland-Alameda County COLISEUM. I had a mini-reunion with Rita Gonzalez. I remembered her from first grade at St. Anthony’s Catholic School in Oakland, CA. She was overwhelmed by my greeting. “Oh WOW! Hi Rita!”
We had a nice talk.
Rita said, “I’m possibly getting married sometime soon but who knows for sure.”

Steff was frantically looking for two girlfriends that she’d given our FRONT seat tickets. The plan was to trade tickets once we arrived. Of course, she couldn’t find the two girlfriends and there was NO backstage. We sat in a back row and watched the show. A couple of the songs reminded me of Paloma. I wished I was with her.

Steff was “out of it”. The concert was over by 10:30PM. So we went home and Steff left for home in Fairfield. I was energized from the music and decided to go to the gym. I worked out until 12:30AM. It felt good. The gym was empty too. There was a QBL (Questionable) motorcycle rider who seemed to be staring my way at a stoplight. I just drove home, feeling happy that tomorrow was Saturday.

"It's funny how beautiful people look when they're walking out the door."
-Toni Collette
"Velvet Goldmine" (1998 Film)

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The Importance of Feeling Good

"We come so close to perfection you and I."
-Penelope Cruz
"Vicky Cristina Barcelona"

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 25, 1985
Thursday

I have a yearning to take off one weekend and go to Palm Springs. I will do it, too (once my friends pick-up OR when I feel the time-off is truly necessary).

I spoke to Dale yesterday about our arranging to get on that San Francisco based-TV show called “People Are Talking”. That would be funny.

I have a commitment this evening to get-together with Frank Vasconcellos and see how things are with him. I wonder what’s been troubling him lately.

This morning Dale was trying to think up excuses for me if I were somehow confronted about making calls to France in our Business Office.

Dale said, “Ryan told me that if you went to that gay skating rink that you’d probably say ‘oooh’, ‘ouch’, ‘I fell’, or ‘what are those guys doing…I’ve never been to a place like this before…I want to go home’.”
“No way!”
“Yes, and I told Ryan that I told you what he’d said.”
“Well, I’m not all that offended because that’s just Ryan’s joke-a-long personality.”

This morning the following employees Cindy Chow, Gary, Mary McTiernan, and Leland, ‘me’, Dhyan Brock and someone else whose name escapes me all sat in one section of the room for photographs of an actual Pac Bell brochure that will be coming out. Wow, how exciting. I’ll be in it.

The three of us (Dale, Mary and I) went to Wendy’s for lunch together and we sat out on Market Street talking about the office blues. Dale started to act a bit moody. I think it was because he couldn’t speak freely with Mary around. I think he wanted to tell me who the MT’s were that walked by (My Types). Or it could be he has his mind on Dee and the baby and all. (?)

Steff called me more times than I could count today. I was getting pissed-off because I wanted to take calls and get some work done. When I had a second message from her given to me by Guy Grivet I decided to call back.
“I hope this is BUSINESS!”
“Well, yes…sort of,” Steff said in a nervous tone.
“What is it?”
“What time are we meeting for lunch tomorrow?”
“Oh…that’s REALLY Business!”
She hung up.
“What a wench,” I thought.

I told Dale about Steff and her phone calls. Knowing him I knew he’d love to get in on the intrigue of it all. He didn’t hesitate to call her. Lucky me…I was able to listen in without her knowledge.
“Michael is being a stand-offish snob…a real jerk…and I’m not putting up with him anymore.”
I thought, “Who asked her to in the first place? This broad has got to give me a break OR in more precise words LEAVE ME ALONE! She was telling Dale that the call she made earlier was for an 800 line. I didn’t believe it for a minute.
I almost fell off my chair when I heard her say to Dale, “Bill and another member of CHICAGO were going to meet you and Michael for lunch tomorrow…but now they’re not.”
That was more bull shit and Dale knew it, too.

After work Dale and I were laughing about Steff’s ‘dipshit’ qualities.

When I arrived home I read a ‘goober’ letter from Steff. Then I glanced over my Preferred VISA bill. Then I received a call from Frank Vasconcellos and confirmed that I would meet him at his house in Hayward at 7PM. I also returned a call to Danny Garcia after seeing a note by Marty:
‘Danny Garcia called at 8:30AM’.

Danny said, “I want to talk to you about some things you probably don’t know.”
“Oh yeah? Well, we’ll catch up on Saturday. I have it set for my one o’clock haircut appointment with you.”
“Okay, great.”

I decided to call Christopher Cordellos to see what he is up to. As it turns out Chris is all bummed out about how he works at the Tiger Shop at MACY’s in Sun Valley Mall and has to take a bus to and fro all of the time.
“I’m trying to get a job at Bank of America,” Chris said.
I was remembering the last time I’d spoken to him and how he was hoping for a job at the Sheraton by the Wharf in San Francisco. Who knows?
I said reassuringly, “I’m sure something will turn up.”
“Yeah, but I am taking too much advantage of my MACY’s credit card.”
“You better be careful.”
“Yeah, I already have to work Saturday because of it. You should drop by the Tiger shop if you’re in the area.”
“Okay, I’ll see what I can do.”
“I’ll call you at your office today if I don’t have to work.”

Dale’s going to pick me up tomorrow morning. We will pick up a third person and car-pool in to the City.

PHOTO: Summer of 1983, Frank Vasconcellos
In my car during an escape to L.A.

When I arrived at Frank Vasconcello’s house I exchanged a few kind words to his mom. Then Frank and I left for the Southland Shopping Mall. We ate hamburgers at a new place called Gangbusters. I wanted to see a movie called “Company of Wolves” but the next show wasn’t until 10PM, so we ‘latered’ the movie idea. While we were eating Frank was asking questions about my sexuality.
“Michael, how do you cope with the indecisiveness of a male or a female?”
“That’s a heavy one. I don’t know. All I know is that I want to be a happy man. It all depends on the individual I am attracted to.”
“Tell me about Paloma.”
“Well, I love her but I just can’t marry her under these circumstances.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I just feel we need to share a lot more with one another. I am almost positive that she is bi…like me. I just get that feeling.”
Frank continued. “I’m just freakin’ about the fact that you have not or will not take one route.”
“Happiness is in the eye of the beholder…just like beauty.”

Frank still had darker hair but not as pitch black as that shocking time I saw him last. When I commented on his hair still being too dark he had a comeback.
“The summer will take care of that. It will get back to normal color. I have an appointment on Monday with John Robert Powers modeling.”
“Oh yeah? I remember that was something you always wanted to do.”
I think he has potential as a male model but he needs to revamp and reshape (lose some of the femininity and get more fit). His attitude leaves much to be desired. He’s too thin! I hope he does not contemplate suicide again. He’s been lonely is all there is to it. I tried to explain to him that loneliness is something everyone needs to cope with. I stressed the importance of feeling good about your alone time.
“You can’t let being alone go to your head or let it affect you in a bad way,” I said.
I was remembering last year when he confessed that his brother-in-law made love to him when no one was home when he was about sixteen years old. I hope that doesn’t happen any longer. I didn’t have the heart to ask him. If his sister only knew!

Frank and I returned to his mom’s house. We started to watch a movie called “His Mistress”, starring Robert Urich. It was okay. I left before it ended and drove straight home. I was going to go to the gym but since I’d eaten less than two hours before I decided against it.

Steff called me.
“Are you going tomorrow?”
I felt she was acting childish. I confronted her on it.
“Why are you acting so childish?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you’ve been calling me names.”
“No I haven’t.”
“You’re such a LIAR.”
Things smoothed over in our conversation as we kept going back and forth. We are going to see CHICAGO tomorrow. I may try the ‘speed’ (for the first time), depending on my mood.


That was wrapping it up neatly and tying it in a bow.
-James Kirkwood
Good Times Bad Times, a novel

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Blasphemous Rumors

"I didn't know time could be wasted."
-KYLE-XY, Season I

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 24, 1985
Wednesday

I’m here at the car pool parking lot, writing in my journal as certain drivers pass by and they look at me. I wonder (?). They’re definitely questionable the way they are looking. Now if only Dale and Tim would show up…

Tim and Dale finally arrived and Dale already had a plan for the day. He wanted me to go to the ECC on Third Street to call Paloma from there.
“I can’t, Dale! I have a meeting from eight thirty until ten-thirty with Dee Lyons about METRO 800 and Enhanced Custom Calling Training.”
That blew that idea.

When Dale came by my desk at 10:30AM I let him know that I had my break already. He ended up going on break with Ryan. By the way, Ryan moved to a new San Francisco apartment that I have not seen. Ryan wants to go to that San Leandro skating rink on a Tuesday night (gay night). I hate the vibes there and I don’t skate. The last person I’d want to see there is Bill Helbush.

Dale’s friends were supposed to have lunch with us but it was postponed until tomorrow. Dale and I ate at the Pac Bell 370 Third Street Building cafeteria. It was there that I attempted to call Paloma but there was no answer. Such is life. We went on our merry way back to our building. Sue and Mary were outside. I knew Dale had told them that I was having lunch with Steff on Friday. He had to tell them what I had shared with Steff last night, too:
Steff asked, “Michael, what does Paloma look like?”
“Well…she has a beautiful bodybuilder toned figure with auburn hair and green eyes,” I said.
“She must be very pretty.”
“Would I go out with any one less?”
When Dale learned of the discussion he said, “You are getting brave.”
“I guess I am, huh?”
“I’m sure that burned Steff.”
“It probably did—but she asked.”

I car pooled with Dale, Kelly and Tim back to my car near the Toll Plaza. I drove home to the tunes of DEPECHE MODE, singing “Blasphemous Rumors”.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-__VV94ziiQ

When I got home I was surprised to receive a short note and two checks totaling ninety-dollars from the Bay Are Sperm Bank. It must have been my ‘back pay’ for services rendered. I was happy to say the least. I filled up my car with gas and bought some juice after the gym workout. I feel like I have a little money now.

Dale’s wife’s water is leaking. She is having discharges. I predicted she’d have the baby on April 26th, although she may end up having it tonight. I wonder if it will be a little “Andrew Michael Joe”.

The gym was very crowded. I didn’t leave my house until 7PM because I needed a nap. I saw a number of familiar faces (and more questionables). Once again I simply did my workout, showered and left the scene.

When I was home I poured myself some juice and ate some chips while I watched a heartwarming 20/20 documentary on Ethiopia. The starvation that goes on there and all of the donations that some New York children donated for them for food really was wonderful.

Marty provided me with a message that Steff had called a couple of times. I returned her call but she did not have anything vital to talk about. Sometimes I wish she’d just give me some space and ‘leave me be’. She is nice enough and I’d love her to teach me to horseback ride.
Steff asked, “When and how are we meeting on Friday for the CHICAGO concert?”
“Wow,” I thought silently. And I thought it was so urgent for me to call you back. Give me a break lady! She’s all “into” me. I know it. I hate to break her heart but there’s a limit to what she’s going to have of me.

I mailed Paloma a letter today at least. After the morning drive to work I examined her pictures on the Santa Cruz railroad tracks that I had taken of her. I miss her.

I advised Mary McTiernan to listen to Greg Khin’s KHINTINUED album and listen to “Happy Man” and “Dedication”.
“I will,” Mary said.
It was the way she said “I will” that made me believe that she really may have eyes and feelings for me, too. Her wide hips are looking better, so who knows?

I shared this same line with both Dale and Steff yesterday:
“My journal knows me more than anybody…even myself because some things I tend to forget and a lot of my writings are documented with my innermost thoughts and feelings.”
This is my entry for today.

"Time is just numbers that people made up.
You can never really escape time."
"We need patterns. Time to be away. Time to rest."
-KYLE-XY, Season I

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Attila the Hun

LOVE is work, life in a couple isn’t always sane or virtuous, and the world is full of lighter, brighter opportunities.
-Christopher Bram
“Mapping the Territory”

Attila the Hun was the Ruler of the Huns from 434 until his death in 453. He was leader of the Hunnish Empire which stretched from Germany to the Ural River and from the Danube River to the Baltic Sea. During his rule, he was one of the most fearsome of the Western and Eastern Roman Empires' enemies. He invaded the Balkans twice and marched through Gaul (modern France) as far as Orleans before being defeated at the Battle of Châlons. He refrained from attacking either Constantinople or Rome. His story, that the Sword of Attila had come to his hand by miraculous means, was reported by the Roman Priscus.

In much of Western Europe, he is remembered as the epitome of cruelty and rapacity. However, in Hungary, Turkey, and other Turkic-speaking countries in Central Asia, he is regarded as a hero and his name is revered. Some histories and chronicles describe him as a great and noble king, and he plays major roles in three Old Norse works: Atlakvida, Volsungasaga, and Atlamal.

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 23, 1985
Tuesday

It was another day of no supervisors on the office floor. Hurrah! Maybe it will be possible for another extended lunch? No. Dale and I invited Sue Fischer and Mary McTiernan for an outing on Market Street for “hot dogs”. I noticed Mary quickly look at me after Mitch Schwartz (a geek in our office) tried to hug her. Could she really have a ‘secret crush’ on me? I kind of like her, too—but then again, I’m not real sure because of her smoking habit, etc. I don’t even know her all that well…yet.

On our last break I ordered a chocolate milkshake. Sue, Dale, Mary and I sat outside of the building because the weather has been so nice. Dale wanted to invite me to dinner this Friday but I am going to that CHICAGO concert. In a way I wish I could go to his house because there’s a movie coming out called “Arthur, The King” that I’d like to see.

After work I stopped over at mom and dad’s house to get my luggage. It was really nice. I ordered it from a catalog and it has little roll along wheels and everything. Maybe I will go to Paris in July or September (who knows) and I will be able to use the luggage.

I also stopped over at John and Sherri’s after I read the returned I129-F Immigration and Naturalization forms. Apparently, I did not fill out a portion of the form and the fee for the form is now thirty-five dollars. It’s just as well, being that I am not going to be marrying under these circumstances.

Ashley looked “cute” in her yellow pajamas. “Cute” is Dale’s overly used word. John and Sherri went to see that new Madonna movie. I was doing Sherri’s ‘Jane Fonda workout’ until I noticed Ashley in her mom’s yarn bag. I quit the workout and played with Ashley. I put her to bed at 9PM but she kept crying when I turned the lights out. It was better when I carried her and then turned the lights out and played her music box. Then she—at least—calmed down a bit. I made a quick getaway and she fell asleep.

Dale telephoned.
“We need a third person tomorrow morning for the car pool.”
“Okay, as long as you can pick me up by the TOLL Plaza,” I said.
“See you there.”

I wrote on a beach scene card for Paloma. She’ll love it. I wrote her, trying to make her understand that I could not make the marriage commitment over phone calls and letters. I explained that I needed to see her.

When John and Sherri returned home I went to my pad and called Dale again.
“Michael, I want you to call me Attila the Hun whenever I am too critical of you.”
“Oh great…I’ll have fun taking advantage of that one,” I replied.

Tomorrow Dale and I will have lunch with a friend of his who won a settlement of $60,000 from AT&T. Dale said, “He just received fifteen-thousand dollars, his first payment.”
“Lucky him. I’d buy a house.”

I read to Dale a portion of Paloma’s letter that I had written while I was at John and Sherri’s house. I didn’t read parts that I felt were too personal. I didn’t want him to be critical of it and/or suggest for me to omit certain things. Whatever it is I write…I thought.

I have to think about a Mother’s Day gift and a birthday gift for my brother, Tony (and Ashley on May 8th). And now there is Dale’s new baby that is due any day now.

Dale is complimentary with me on a one-to-one basis. He becomes critical amongst others more times than not. That’s all—but I am getting used to it.
------
April 23, 2010
I love this. I wrote the letter below '25 Years Ago' and mailed it to Paloma in Paris. Paloma recently sent me a 'copy' of the letter from the South of France to my current address in Paris. I had to post it on my blog today. When I read it I see myself as a mature young man and other times I see myself as a very immature young man. I guess I was a little bit of both:

April 23, 1985
Tuesday

Dear Paloma,
By now you're probably all upset and confused and may hate me forever but I hope not. Again--understand--my feelings have not changed. I care for you, love you and miss you much! I just can't make a decision of marriage over phone calls and letters. I guess I just need to be with you and see you to discuss it all. When I talked to you yesterday to tell you I'd decided against tying the knot under these circumstances I could tell you were down and out...but how do you think I felt when you said you'd have to marry someone else--gay friend or not--You'd have to live with him and with you around--he'd have no problem reforming.

I want to see you and spend time with you to see how things are... If you're not here by July (the third week) I may fly to Paris myself. If not then--I still have the option of going the first week in September--but knowing you--you'll find a way to return here sooner than I'd imagine.

Believe it or not, tonight I am babysitting Ashley. Sherri asked me to babysit while she and John went to see that new movie that Madonna is in.

I have been working out at least 3 or 4 times a week and I even continue to bike ride on the nicer days. Tonight I worked out to the Jane Fonda workout tape that Sherri has. Ashley finally went to sleep. I had to play a music box for her.

Words can't express how much I really do miss you Paloma. I bet the picture of this card really makes you feel better, huh? Well, i won't tell you about the nice weather we've been having. It drizzled yesterday.

The pictures you've shown me of Paris look so gothic. I wish I could see...and be there.

Try not to pout or feel depressed about things--please. Remember that you are constantly in my thoughts, ok. I hope you understand that I don't want to feel pressured and rushed into a marriage. Like I told you once before--if I were to marry--You're the "only" one I have eyes for--but when I make the move I want it to be the Sure Thing and A Long-Lasting Forever Together Thing. Perhaps it will be 'us'--but again that's up to you and the moves you make between now and the next 6 months. Only time will tell and wehn I see you again that'll be the real test.

I'll be in touch more frequently now to let you know of the latest goings on with me and around here.
Love & Kisses, too.
MICHAEL

I was gloating over my luck. Talk about “dues ex machina”—The Big Joker in the Sky had dropped a friend right down my chimney. And I thanked him for it. I went to sleep happy.
-James Kirkwood
“Good Times Bad Times”, a novel

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