"Dracula"
Twenty-five years ago today:
June 17, 1985
Monday
Rachelle may be coming by my house today. She is also going to Jeff’s work out class which means I may not see her when I get home. Boo hoo--but I will see her at the gym (at least).
Mike Thoennes heard me wake up this morning. He left at the same time I did (which is good). I didn’t want Marty, my roommate, to feel ‘bugged’ by the unfamiliar visitor. Then again…’what the hell’…it is my pad. I can let whomever I choose to come and go as I see fit.
Rachelle left her pink scarf in my car. I like to smell it. She’s also left other sorts of tangible items like panty hose, hair brushes, lipstick, hairspray, belts, etc. It’s nice having her stuff around because it reminds me of her, making me feel closer than ever.
Dale stayed out until 4:30AM yesterday. He looked really beat tired and ‘out of it’ today. I made him walk with me to my Deputy Teller machine at Great Western during my first break. At lunch we went to Don Miguel’s. He loves that ‘heavy’ Mexican food. Yuck! I can easily do without it. I’m glad Rachelle has no real liking for it.
Dale got to go home early, feeling sick. Stephanie Bautista let me be her RD (Research & Development) person this afternoon while she went to the dentist. I was acting manager for the section. It was an easy task.
At 5PM traffic was unusually light. I made it home by 5:30PM. I went straight to the gym. Rachelle was there with her mom, ready to start Jeff’s aerobic class. Jeff’s the one with the gay tights, the balding head and the big gross bulge in his crotch area. I did my twelve minutes on the bike with one set of weight training. Rachelle and I left after the workout.
Rachelle was making me feel jealous again by talking about ‘what a dick’ Jeff was because he kept correcting her aerobic moves. Why should she care so much whether he’s a dick or not? Who gives a hoot! Oh well, Rachelle continued.
“I noticed Bob Maloney was not at the gym,” she said.
“Big deal,” I said, wondering why she was searching for him in the first place.
I was thinking about how Rachelle had read my previous Journal number “10” today, taking it home with her tonight. I forget what I wrote but now I am nervous. I am wondering what comments I may have written about Bob Maloney. I seem to recall noticing his “QBL-ness” and my feelings of finding him attractive. I mean, Bob is a possibility—but there would be ‘no way’. Rachelle will hopefully know and realize that.
Rachelle drove to my house with me after the gym. We ordered a La Val’s Pizza, having juice to go along with it. The pizza was good but I didn’t feel rewarded after I had just done a workout. Then, of course, Rachelle and I got into an argument.
“I don’t think you like me anymore,” Rachelle announced.
“Come on,” I said.
“No, I don’t think you do—and I don’t think Rodney does for that matter.”
“Why? Is it just because Rodney wasn’t hard for a minute?”
“No.”
“You’re too much,” I said, finding out later that she was only kidding with me.
I am sensitive to those things. It’s not that I don’t love her. I just want her to get all excited and then let Rodney ‘get into the groove’ later. Why does she belittle me and act so ‘bitchy’ over little things like that? I was upset over it. There was one moment tonight when she wanted me to come closer to her. I didn’t, so it made her give me a snide remark:
“I bet if I were Paloma you’d be getting a lot closer!”
I thought silently, “Oh damn, why did she read my journal?”
Rachelle confessed. She actually read that I craved fucking Paloma and stuff! I’m totally embarrassed. I hope Rachelle doesn’t confront me with that particular line. So far, Rachelle has mentioned Stephanie and her nonchalant, bitchy, lying ways. She told me she laughed about my ‘wildly fucking feelings’ after a gym workout. Who knows what else she laughed about? She made me mad by showing me Joe Smith’s ring that belonged to his mother (which she was actually wearing!). Was that really supposed to make me feel good? Oh well, we made up anyway. It was funny how we made up.
I said, “You know…I don’t want to see you anymore.”
After I said it I felt like taking it back with an “Oh no, I don’t mean that at all.”
I didn’t though. I saw a few tears come to her eyes. Then a few tears were behind my eyes but were not easy to come out. So, it was an immediate make-up and we were back together. I kissed her. She kissed me. We went upstairs. We touched. We made love. Then, she forced me ‘out of her’ after I was just ‘at that point’. It was one hell of a frustrating moment.
I was going to share anal intercourse with her, too—but Rodney wasn’t hard enough. And besides—she felt kind of irritated because she had forgotten to take her Today Sponge out and the sudsy stuff got on Rodney. It didn’t feel too good. We started to make love again and it was great until she pushed Rodney ‘out of the box’ again. What a letdown!
Rachelle drove me back to the gym because my car was still parked there. We departed happily with a kiss. I was home quickly. I called Rachelle when she began to read ‘word for word’ excerpts out of my Journal Number “10”. She took it home with her! God help us all…especially if she reads my first eight journals! She knows enough about me. Shit! We said goodnight to one another and I am only wondering what she’ll read about NOW.
I seize this moment when courage comes to me, to resist, the power which drags me onward without inquiring whether or not I have the force to follow. Who is she?
-Honroe de Balzac
"Seraphita"
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