-Shyam Selvadurai
"Cinnamon Gardens", a novel
Twenty-five years ago today:
Inserted in my July 14, 1986 journal entry was a two-page story that I wrote in 1986 as a potential write-up that I thought of giving to Mark Landreth. It’s called “The Guy”. I never did give it to Mark. This is what was written:
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“The Guy”
Once upon a time there was a nineteen year old guy who was overwhelmed with excitement over meeting a girl named Stephanie Mason at Santa Clara’s GREAT AMERICA Amusement Park. He thought he was IN LOVE. With the exception of a few dates here and there throughout high-school (which didn’t amount to much) he was smitten over Stephanie.
It was 1978 and this nineteen year old guy was working graveyard and evening shifts for a major company. One summer night he finished his shift at midnight and went to his car in an isolated parking lot. It was dark and not a very good area in Downtown Oakland. He was randomly met by a muscle-bound man, wearing tight white pants. The guy was startled at first but then realized the man was friendly. The muscle-bound man made a proposition that excited ‘the guy’. It all happened so fast but the guy went to the muscle-bound man’s apartment and had a quick, brief homosexual affair.
The guy was crushed to say the least because there wasn’t much he could do about the incident. It all happened so quickly. He just went with his feelings and felt ever so guilty afterward. He felt ashamed and could tell no one for fear of embarrassment and accusations of being gay. He was also surprised that the muscle-bound man had given the guy a business card. The muscle-bound guy worked at a mortuary (of all places).
The guy silently cried as he drove home asking himself, “How could I do that?”
The guy hoped to forget it all. In time, the guy would eventually face what happened and go on with his life. The guy knew there was a telephone number on the business card but he chose to throw it away in a trash can. He wanted to erase the incident from his mind.
The guy’s relationship with his newfound girlfriend (Stephanie) went well for a while. Then the guy had to move further away to attend school elsewhere. While in this college town he dated some real ‘lookers’. At the age of twenty, the guy took a trip to Hawaii with a high-school girlfriend named Elisa. Elisa and the guy had a platonic friendship.
An incident occurred that would change his hatred for that episode that happened with the muscle-bound guy. While separated one night in Hawaii from Elisa, the twenty-year old guy met a blond-haired twenty-three year old lifeguard from Southern California. The guy was seated outside on a tropical night eating a late night McDonald’s snack. The lifeguard was standing at a nearby corner, giving the guy an enticing ‘look’. The guy was intrigued and followed the lifeguard to the direction of Waikiki Beach. There were a group of trees and the lifeguard seemed to be luring the guy. It worked. Once nestled within the trees the guy spoke to the lifeguard about the beautiful night. The guy began to visibly shake with nerves. At the same time the guy couldn’t help but feel his erection. The lifeguard proceeded to share his feelings about all of the bathing beauties on the island. The guy felt reassured because he was talking about the beautiful girls that were so visible on the beach.
“Do you surf?” asked the Lifeguard.
The guy smiled, feeling thrilled that he would ask such a question, “No, what makes you ask that?”
“You just look like a native and you look like a surfer.”
“Well, I better get going,” said Craig as he climbed down from the Lifeguard viewpoint.
The night was over. That was it, a brief sexual stint of excitement on a hot summer night.
When the guy returned to college he met a woman three years older than himself named Lynne Major. The guy was twenty-one years old now and Lynne was twenty-four. She was separated from her husband. The guy had an affair with her and felt more “real” love. Eventually he was “hurt” from the involvement with this married woman because he believed ‘in his mind’ that she was unfaithful. The affair ended and another serious relationship started with another new beauty.
The new beauty was also in a predicament. Her name was Michelle VonThaden and she loved another man who was divorced and had a child. The guy didn’t press Michelle about further involvement and remained focused on his studies.
The guy almost accepted a job with the CIA but it didn’t work out. The guy was short on money and not eating right. Over the Thanksgiving Holidays he was hospitalized for a nervous breakdown. Many thought he was taking drugs; however, the guy never touched the stuff. He was truly under stress and pressure in coping with relationships, sexual preferences, studies, and job opportunities. He felt paranoid and started to believe that the married woman, Lynne, was cheating on him with her ex-husband.
When the guy was released from the hospital he finished school. He started work again. He was happy that the breakdown episode happened as it put him back on track. He found balance and a joy for living. He went out on dates ‘now and again’ but nothing really serious came of it.
The guy could sense it when a man (or woman) would show attraction towards him. He could easily feel when a man or woman was coming on to him. The guy was ‘pretty sure’ anyhow. Sometimes he found certain people to be “QBL” (Questionable). They were questionable because he wasn’t sure whether they were or weren’t interested in him. Several men have come on to the guy but he would shy away (or simply act naïve about it). The guy felt more comfortable with being heterosexual during his free time to date or socialize. He would later meet and befriend other homosexuals and learn more about their lifestyles.
It is 1986 now and the guy has had two key relationships with two women (not at the same time, of course) in the last two years. Every so often the guy will run into a fellow that he finds physically attractive. On that rare occasion he will keep it to himself. That will be that. Before these two relationships he had experienced a couple of man-to-man relationships. One relationship was with a doctor (Howard Edelstein) and one was with a student (George Jones/Christopher Cordellos).
The guy seems to believe he is bisexual; however, he leans more towards the standard that society expects of him. He is happy that he rarely feels attraction for another man because he tends to stay focused on the woman that holds his attraction.
One of the two women he had last had a key relationship with introduced him to bodybuilding and the exhilarating feeling of frequent exercise. Her name was Paloma. She has since moved out of the country. The guy continues to date a lady ‘here and there’.
There is one good friend that the guy has come to know while bodybuilding. He is attracted to him but doesn’t dare make an attempt to mention this fact for fear of ruining their friendship. The guy likes to spend time with this male friend because he likes his sense of sportsmanship, ambition, humor and well-being. The guy hopes to have this man as a friend for a very long time. The problem is that the guy is leery as to whether or not he should tell the friend about his attraction. I mean, if the guy mentions it---it may or may not change a thing---but the worst thing would be the end of the friendship. Then again, the friend would know the guy better. So…should the guy tell his friend? Yes or no?
The friend is you.
The guy is me.
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July 14, 1986
Monday
It was one of those drab Monday mornings where one dreads the idea of going to work. I did it though. To my dismay, I had some geeky new fellow named Jim sit with me for most of today. His training doesn’t start until next week, so I am going through the ropes of working in the Business Office.
At lunch, Al Martinez and I ate at B and M Chinese.
“You know that girl Shari that I met at your party?”
“Yeah, did you talk to her?”
“More than that…we got it on,” Al revealed.
“You did?”
“Yeah, but a week and a half later…drip, drip, drip.”
I didn’t understand what he meant. I gave him a puzzled look. Then he went on to explain that he had a urinal inflectional communicable disease from her.
I raised my eyebrows and said, “You know, I’m not surprised.”
I shared my first and last break with this new fellow (Jim) but I certainly don’t want to make it a habit.
Ron Leoni finally called me. It’s been a while.
“I told my mom we were coming to Connecticut to visit. She’s looking forward to it.”
“Me too, it’s only twenty-two business days from today,” I said, making it clear that I’m counting the days.
I recalled that I had told Mark in passing (while in Santa Cruz) that I may go to New York in August. I’ll have to mention to Mark to keep the first week of November open. I will have more time off. I’d like to spend it with Mark somewhere fun.
I went cycling from 6PM to 7PM. Then I went to the gym. Stuart Western was there. We talked a little.
I shared the news (about Shari) to Mark about Al’s urinal infection. I promised Al I wouldn’t tell anyone but Mark isn’t about to spread the news anywhere.
Mark said, “You know, I called you later--on Sunday after the bike ride--to let you know I was going back to Alameda to windsurf.”
“Oh, I was probably at my mom’s house and I missed your call.”
I went to Dad’s house after tonight’s workout for some watermelon. He invited me over. I couldn’t take his rambling on about retiring in four years. He started to talk about food shortages, bills, etc. When I left I went to Sherri’s house as she had a videotaped kid’s movie for me to record for Ashley. I was so upset because I parked 18-inches away from their curb and got a parking ticket in front of her house!
When I went home I had a recorded message from Sue Croce. I called her back and we talked about her first day on the new job. I shared some of my self-invented acronyms.
She laughed.
I told her how invigorating the Tour de San Francisco bike ride turned out to be. I also mentioned the new geek (Jim) at my office.
“I think that new guy wears a toupee.”
Sue really laughed at a lot of what I had to say.
I continued with the story about Al’s urinal infection and my parking ticket that I’d just received for parking 18-inches away from the curb.
The gal that Mark and I had seen at the club the other night came over to us at the gym tonight.
She asked, “Do you two go out a lot?”
Mark and I simultaneously answered, “Ahh…every once in a while.”
She said, “Well, my girlfriend thought you were cute. And I watched the girls walk by you at the club and a lot of them kept looking at you two.”
I exclaimed, “Really…I didn’t even notice!” Ha-ha.
Anyway, life goes one. Today I checked with Pac Bell Directory again. I checked on my parking ticket. I checked on a new telephone number for Sue Croce’s friend, Tracy.
Nici Maurino tells me she may be visiting my Business Office tomorrow. We shall see.
A man lives by his history and what he was is what shapes what he shall become.
"What will you do with your day?"
"What I do with every day. Live throught it, experience what it brings, suffer its pains, or those which twinge my joints when the weather's damp or cold, and rejoice at its little pleasures."
Little does he know that nothing disturbs me now. What is past is past. You cannot unwind the wool of destiny.
-Martin Booth
"The Industry Of Souls", a novel
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