Improvement Needed

It would have been a relief to be free of thought, free of the thousands of quarreling and contradictory memories of the past few months.
-Morag Joss
"Half Broken Things"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 30, 1985
Sunday

Rachelle telephoned me just as I was waking up on this Sunday morning.
“Do you want to come over for sunning on the beach now?” I asked with a slight yawn.
“I have a million and one things to do at home.”
“Why don’t I call you around five o’clock to see about that COCOON movie then?”
“Okay, sounds good.”

I went to mom’s house for breakfast and then went for a bike ride along the beach.

Dale called me while I was at mom’s house. I wasn’t there when he called. I’m sure he probably wanted to go to the Gay Parade. I chose to lie out at South Shore beach from noon until two o’clock. I roasted a bit. Hopefully I won’t peel. I really got burnt. I didn’t realize it because the clouds kept coming in and out. It felt rather cool.

After the sun I went to mom’s house again. Sherri and Ashley stopped by and we sat on a blanket on mom’s front lawn. It was that kind of summer and shady day. I left around four o’clock to wash my car and take a shower. I then telephoned Rachelle about tonight.
“Can you be here by eight o’clock?” Rachelle asked excitedly.
“Sure, I just need to get dressed.”
I hung out at mom’s house until seven-thirty and arrived at Rachelle’s house as planned. We went to the Hayward 5 Cinemas to see COCOON. It was good. It was kind of funny and much more fairy-tale than I expected. It was a breath of fresh air after the LIFEFORCE horror-like film from the previous night.

We went to LYON’S Restaurant afterwards and we argued because Rachelle was too cold where we were sitting. We were also in the smoking section. It was silly. She bugs the hell out of me. She claims that I care too much about what other people think. She is more so like that than I am! I could care less what other people think. There are times when I do—but not often enough.

We departed and by the time I brought Rachelle home we were all ‘lovey-dovey’ again. I love her but some of her ways need improvement.

"You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs."
-Paulo Coelho
"Like The Flowing River"

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Teeny-Bopper

She was the substance and I was the shadow.
-Philippa Gregory
"The Other Boleyn Girl"

Have you ever heard the Teeny-Bopper song by The Poni-Tails called BORN TO LATE (1958). I just discovered it today. How fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yF7WXoqkGSY

Born too late for you to notice me
To you, I'm just a kid that you won't date
Why was I born too late?
Born too late to have a chance to win your love
Oh why, oh why was it my fate
To be born too late?

I see you walk with another
I wish it could be me
I long to hold you and kiss you
But I know it never can be for I was
Born too late for you to care
Now my heart cries
Because your heart just couldn't wait
Why was I born too late?

Born too late for you to care
Now my heart cries
Because your heart just couldn't wait
Why was I born too la-a-a-a-ate?
Why was I born too late?
Too late

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 29, 1985
Saturday

I stopped by Great Western Savings to settle some Individual Retirement ‘stuff’. Then I proceeded to go to the gym for that workout I needed.

I telephone Rachelle, inviting her to lunch and the beach via a bike ride.
“I’d love to do that tomorrow,” Rachelle replied.
“Maybe we can go to the Alta Mira in Sausalito tomorrow.”
“I think I want to lie out.”
“Okay, we’ll talk tomorrow,” I said abruptly and hung up. Why should I rearrange my schedule? She can’t rearrange her schedule for me—for once. GMAB! (Give Me A Break!)
I wanted to scream. I could just scream. I had to let her go.

I enjoyed some French toast at mom’s house. John, Sherri and Ashley stopped by and took mom along to the San Jose flea market. Sherri’s girlfriend, Heidi, came over. Heidi was planning on going to the beach. I was almost going to accompany Heidi and her other girlfriend but I decided against it after they decided to go to Lake Chabot in Castro Valley instead of South Shore Beach in Alameda.

I telephoned Dale and explained to him about Rachelle’s non-accommodating comments today.
“I totally agree with you Michael. I can’t believe her!”
“Yeah, so I might go to the beach now.”
“I think I may go to the beach with Andrew, too, so I’ll see you there.”
I did lie out on the beach until they arrived. It was fun. They brought goodies.

I went home and Dale dropped by later. We went to the movies. We planned to see SILVERADO and the new James Bond film, A VIEW TO A KILL but it was Sold Out.

Dale and I ended up going to Rachelle’s house but she wasn’t home. She was working with Jim DeLeuze in San Ramon. So we took Glenn and Billy (Rachelle’s little brother) to get fireworks. After that stint we did go to the movies to see a scary Sci-Fi film called LIFEFORCE.

I came home and wondered about Rachelle’s ‘teeny-bopper’ mind in terms of her talk of COKE and questioning me about police entrapment protection issues. It worries me. I don’t have time to teach a teenage girl the morals of honest American living. I was worried and wondering what Rachelle was actually doing tonight. She claims to have worked out in San Ramon. I do believe her. I have no reason not to believe her.

When Dale and I got to my place we called her. She was home at that time (11:45PM). She was already in bed. She was kind of ‘out of it’. She sounded so tired, so I didn’t bother calling her again after Dale had left. It was good night for me.

We must struggle for our dreams, but we must also know that, when certain paths prove impossible, it would be best to save our energies in order to travel other roads.
-Paulo Coelho
"Like The Flowing River"

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The Last Straw

She felt an irresistible urge to stage-manage every occasion, and his stubborn resistance to being told what to do resulted in constant friction.
-Nial Kent
"The Divided Path"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 28, 1985
Friday

Today is the last working day of June. It was SDC (Sales Development Center) “Snack Day”. That was the decided celebration for our Business Office in honor of Gay Freedom Day (which is on Sunday) in San Francisco.

I telephoned Rachelle.
“I just want you to know I called Jim DeLeuze and told him I was your boyfriend.”
“What? Don’t tell me you did that!” Rachelle screeched.
She really was upset. I was quite surprised that she reacted the way she did. I kept quiet for a minute and she went on and on.
“This is the last straw! We are broken up.” She hung up the phone.

Of course, five minutes passed and she called me right back. I was on my break but Dale interceded and arranged for us to be on a 3-way call together. Dale played ‘marriage counselor’. Things got straightened out.
I explained, “It’s true. I didn’t really call Jim DeLeuze. I do love you, Rachelle. I was just testing your love to see your reaction.”
“Well that was a dirty trick,” Rachelle said with a bit of a pout.

After work I was to go to the gym and pick up Rachelle at 7:30PM. I did not go to the gym. Instead, I took a nap at mom’s house and started to watch the soap opera “The Young and The Restless”. Then I decided to go ahead and go to Rachelle’s house. We were supposed to go out to see a movie.
“No, I don’t feel like a movie tonight,” Rachelle stated proudly.
“Then what do you want to do?”
“We are going to the Pleasanton County Fair!”
“Oh, okay…that’s a good idea. Let’s do it.”
I agreed to her idea. Why argue? She drove to Pleasanton, of course.

While at the County Fair she wouldn’t let me put my arm around her.
“It feels uncomfortable. I want to hold hands.”
I didn’t like to hold hands very much because the hands get balmy and sweaty after five minutes. It seems silly now that I think of it.
I hinted, “We should get a beer.”
I knew full well that I really didn’t have any cash, so I turned the beer idea around. Rachelle started to insinuate that I was ‘boring’ and ‘no fun’.
“That’s not very nice,” I said.
Then she started to walk in front of me. She kept leading the way. I didn’t like it at all.

We left the Fair and got into my car. She was going to go home. I planned to go to the gym. Then I changed my mind, thinking I’d just go to the gym tomorrow.
Rachelle suddenly said, “We should talk.”
“Okay, I’ll drive to my house and we can talk there.”

I made it clear as to all of the things I did not like while we were at the County Fair.
I said to Rachelle, “I especially didn’t like it when you said ‘I’d be having a real good time if you weren’t here’ after you ran into that old friend you used to go out with.”
This particular guy friend worked at the UNION 76 Station on Lake Chabot Road.

While at my house we had another argument. This time it was about my not getting a blanket for her or making coffee.
“I’m not in the mood to play host,” I said with regard to her ‘making coffee’ complaint.
Rachelle got upset.

Then I got up from where I was sitting and took her upstairs. We made love. Then I had to j—k off because we had no protection. She was soon at her home again and things seemed to be fine once again. Things always do when we make up. She always needs reassurance from me. Shit! I can say, “I Love You” so many times, yet it still doesn’t sink in for her.

She peeled an orange and sucked each segment to extinction.
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets' Nest"

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A Hot Temper

"Einstein spent several weeks longer in his mother's womb, allowing for more brain growth."
-KYLE-XY, Season II

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 27, 1985
Thursday

I had lunch with Sue Fischer today. I shared with her about some of the recurring arguments that have exploded between Rachelle and me.
“She has such a temper,” I said.
Sue said, “A hot temper has a lot to do with their folks on ones upbringing.”
“I have to agree with you.”

I went to MACY’s with Dale for a fifty dollar gift certificate for Ryan’s Birthday, too. We munched on some Mrs. Fields cookies while we were out.

Today I learned that I have met excellence in sales for the month of June, ranking number two. I am only eleven points shy from Cindy Chow who has the number one position in our Section.

I drove to Rachelle’s house in Castro Valley as soon as I could. She gave me a ‘shitty’ greeting because I arrived at her house at six o’clock. I had promised her that I couldn’t be there a minute earlier. I didn’t even discuss it further to prove a point because of her “childish” nature.

I did go to mom’s house for a short while and then went to Rachelle’s. I arrived precisely at 6PM and she was still upset! She really gets pissed-off when I don’t come over at a precise time. Then she gets all messed up when I do come to visit and arrive early! Give me a break. The girls’ ideals are just too much. She acts like a spoiled, impossible BARBIE doll that should have everything just the way she wants it. I hate arguing with her!

She really does think she is pregnant.
“There’s no other option for me except an abortion,” Rachelle said.
“Well, I don’t exactly approve of that action.”
Then again, considering her age and immaturity (at times) perhaps it is for ‘the best’. I did try to make myself clear.
I said, “Since you control the decision I think it’s only fair that I have a voice in the decision, too.”

Now the question is whether we will stay together—or not---if she chooses to get an abortion. She’s adamant about getting on the pill after this escapade.

We went to my house and made love.
Afterward she said, “You know, I think I may not be pregnant after all.”
“What? Why?”
“Well, it’s because when I put the TODAY sponge in I felt some blood, so I think my period may be coming on.”
Sigh.

We went to the Ice Cream Dock at Harbor Bay Landing for cones dipped in chocolate. They were so good. Things seemed fine between us. We returned to my place and made love again. I drove Rachelle home. Thereafter, I came home and slept for the night.

"The main thing is don't panic...it's just a test to get your started."
-as heard in the 2001 film
"Charlotte Gray"

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So Heated Up

"If you don't want to feel used then why are you in a relationship?"
-as heard in a not-very-good 2007 film
"The Walker"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 26, 1985
Wednesday

PHOTO: A card/letter of CYCLISTS on Life Cycles at the Gym
Dated June 26, 1985 from co-worker Barbara Louise Reynolds:

June 26, 1985, 6pm
Hi Mike—
See-I even have your current address ‘swinging single’.

Eight Business Days now!!! Countdown.
Ya know how sometimes you don’t notice everything at first glance? Like this card—
I thought these were REAL bikes and it fit my picture of you riding on the beach in Alameda—so—sometimes I’m wrong…
Plus you probably don’t wear red shorts either.

I’m having some dinner over here on Piedmont Ave.—a guacamole salad before going to my “About Sex” seminar—(Remember when we first met was the first time I took this seminar. What I got during that time was two really good men—friendships—Joe & You-and we are still going strong. This time my goal is to become pregnant or decide not to have children. My biological clock is ticking away. You have had a lot of recent experience with being around pregnant women—maybe being with you more will have an unexpected magical effect on me.

So I’ve filled myself with this yummy food and must be on the road.
Happy Riding,
Love,
Barbara
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Being around pregnant women”…little does she know.

What a great sales day! I sold two 800 lines and three RCF sales. Wow! Lucky me!

Rachelle called me but I kept missing her phone calls while at work today. I have a summer picnic committee meeting. It’s scheduled for August 3, 1985.

Dale kept making snide remarks: “I know things about you!”
He was referring to remarks based on Rachelle’s reading my journal. I did NOT like it at all. I wonder what she told him. What did she read? What an inconsiderate B--tch to tell him anything.

When I arrived home Rachelle and I had a talk on the phone.
“Are you coming over to my house or not?” Rachelle asked.
“Well, I was planning on going to the gym. I thought you would be there, too.”
“I’m too tired after working in Alamo under the ninety degrees weather. What time are you coming?”
“I can’t say exactly. I’ll come over right after my workout,” I replied.
Of course, my answer was not satisfactory for her and she got upset. She wanted a yes or a no as to whether I’d be coming over. She got me so heated up that I said, “No.”

I went to the gym and I saw that girl, Kelly, once again. She was there earlier than I but we exchanged passing hellos.
She said, “Good-bye” as she was leaving. Big deal, huh? I don’t know why I’m writing about her. Maybe I don’t want to limit myself to Rachelle. Although I know there will always be some limitations if Rachelle is involved in my life. Maybe it is because I am too nice. Or could it be that I have such strong feelings for Rachelle that I am feeling guilty.

I received a surprise phone call tonight from Julie Waller. She’s living in Mill Valley. I haven’t heard from her in ages! It would be fun to catch up on the last few years. She’s so sweet to call on me. I love it when an old chum returns to your life—even if it is just a mere “hello”. It’s great.

I did not see Rachelle tonight; however, I learned later that she went to the gym and put a yellow piece of paper in my car. She did not enter the gym to actually see me in person.

I went to mom’s house and started to watch a flick. It was a based on a true story about Marion White, a gal who was institutionalized and not having any mental illness whatsoever. I had actually watched it before, so I didn’t stay to watch the ending.

Dale telephoned me while I was at mom and dad’s house. They’ll never admit it but I know Rachelle was on the other line when he called me. She has slipped too many times by using phrases like “Dr. Armijo, “my health and well-being” and mentioning to Dale about who I’d seen at the gym. She had to be on the line. Dale wouldn’t tell her all of that nonsense. Dale really means well because he likes us both. He doesn’t want to take sides.

Anyway, Rachelle made a tentative date to water ski this coming Sunday with Jim. That gets me! It irks me because she doesn’t announce the specifics of our relationship as ‘serious’ to Jim. We had an argument over the phone about it. Then we made up with good nights and a mutual ‘I Love You’.

"I think I live in a different world."
-as heard in the 2000 film
"Almost Famous"

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Mountains Out of Mole Hills

An amateur is a gangster who is NOT prepared to take the consequences.
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Played With Fire"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 25, 1985
Tuesday

This day was pretty good. I went to Emporium alone during my first break and bought Ryan Hargrave a blue Ocean Pacific shirt. When I returned to the office at 11:45AM I was greeted by Helen and mom. They were waiting to meet me for lunch. Helen is already five months pregnant. It’s exciting. We (Dale tagged along, too) ate at the Galleria over at Crocker Plaza. It was a good time.

The rest of the day passed and when I arrived home I telephoned Rachelle. She’s been working in Alamo lately at some home that is being custom built. She is an assistant of some sort.
She says, “It’s always so HOT over there!”

I decided to go for a bike ride from six o’clock to seven-thirty. It felt so good. It reminded me of last summer and my daily bicycle rides. I will do it again this Thursday.

I went to mom’s house and ate dinner there. Then I went home.

I found myself on the telephone with Rachelle again. She was crying. She was so upset.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, pleadingly.
She cried, “Michael, I think I may be pregnant!”
I’m not supposed to write this in my journal. I promised I wouldn’t—but I’m going to anyway.
Rachelle says, “I’m not on my period after all, and it’s BOTH of our faults!”
“I will be there to help you,” I said, but I could tell she wanted more reassurance than those words.
I couldn’t give any more because I know she wants to abort. I hate the idea of that. She was crying away like a baby. I couldn’t take it anymore. To top it off I was feeling so tired. 

I went to bed but I could tell Rachelle was so very disturbed.
I had said, “Don’t worry until we know whether you are pregnant or not. Then we can consider everything and move on to the next steps.”
She makes such ‘mountains out of mole hills’. She always seems to think and feel the worst in every situation.


"The first duty in LIFE is to assume a pose."
-as heard in the 1998 film
"Velvet Goldmine"

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Personal Matters

"One improves with practice."
-as heard in the 2008 mini-series
"John Adams"

MISSING YOU by John Waite
Lyrics and Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekiZIAqw2Go


Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away
And I'm wondering' why you left
And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight
I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinking' about you, and it's almost driving me wild
And there's a heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight
I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, no matter what I might say
There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight
Chorus:
I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, no matter what my friends say
And there's a message that I'm sending out, like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance, stop this heartbreak overload
(chorus)
I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you, I can lie to myself
And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight
(chorus)
Ain't missing you, I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you, I can lie to myself
Ain't missing you, I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you, ain't missing you, oh no
No matter what my friends might say, I ain't missing you..

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 24, 1985
Monday

Dale confronted me with all sorts of tidbit facts that only Rachelle could have told him with regard to past journal entries (that she has already read). Ironically, she asks me to feel confident with her and not discuss personal matters with Dale. Yet, she is the one discussing personal matters with him!

Tomorrow is Ryan Hargave’s birthday. I need to shop for him tonight. Perhaps I will do so after my gym workout.

I could not wait until this work day was over. I wanted to see Rachelle. She started a new job in San Ramon today.

I went to the gym and Bob Maloney greeted me with a big “Hello!” Rachelle didn’t even go to the gym tonight. Oh well. I met a twenty-one year old girl named Kelly. She’s cute. We exchanged more than the typical few words. As a matter of fact I met her at the same Nautilus machine where I met Rachelle. It happened like this:
“Are you finished with that machine,” I asked politely.
“Yes, I am.”
“Great, I have to complement you on your professionalism on using this machine by the way.”
“Oh, Thanks.”
Then, as Kelly was working on the ‘stomach-on-the-sides’ machine I stood there waiting for her to finish her repetitions. We began to talk a bit more.
“It’s so crowded tonight,” she said.
“Yeah, and the more people the more wear and tear on these machines.”
“That’s true,” she smiled in agreement.
“By the way, my name is Michael.”
“I’m Kelly.”

We both continued our workouts. Then I bumped into her again while she was on the Life Cycle. I just happened to get on the Life Cycle next to her.
“Getting on this bike next to you was all good planning on my part,” I said.
She simply laughed aloud.
We didn’t talk a whole lot. It surprised me when she asked her question.
“How old are you?”
“Oh…I’m twenty-six.”
“And how could you be named Kelly when CHARLIES ANGELS didn’t come on the air until you were a mere child,” I said jokingly.
“I wasn’t a child then. I’m twenty-one.”
“Then you were a child when it first came on the air,” I said with smile.
Later she said, “Goodbye” when she left the women’s locker area, passed me and walked out of the gym.
I nodded. I was still on the Life Cycle.

When she left I thought to myself, “Yikes, should I have been speaking with her just because Rachelle wasn’t there? Well, she’s always talking to all sorts of guys…much more than I do the women. So what the heck…I’ll just sway from mentioning my meeting with Kelly…unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

When I departed from the gym I headed for mom’s house for a few. Ashley was there. She seemed afraid of me at first. Is it because she hadn’t seen me in so long? Then she started smiling again. I guess she started to remember her Uncle again.

While I was back at my home I heard that Rachelle telephoned (via a recorded message). I returned her call.
“Where were you last night?”
Her tone was such that she expected me to confess some ill-forsaken happening. I told her the truth.
“I was watching that movie with my mom.”
“That’s funny. I called your mom’s house.”
“No, you didn’t!”
She believed me after a while but she kept trying to make me give another story. What a sneaky wench! It’s a good thing I was at mom’s house.

I went to bed not long after the phone call with Rachelle. It was cute how we were both saying how much we missed and love each other. It’s our first non-consecutive day where we didn’t see each other. The John Waite song “Missing You” from last year comes to mind.

No one can live without others.
-as heard in the 1974 film
"Ali: Fear Eats the Soul"

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A Bowl Of Cherries

A huge tree which grew in late Spring bore great cherries that were black with their sweetness when they were ripe.
-Nial Kent
"The Divided Path"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 23, 1985
Sunday

I slept in on this Sunday morning, went to mom and dad’s house. I ate. I slept some more. It’s what Sundays are all about.

Finally, at about one o’clock in the afternoon I decided to make a visit to the gym. I had not worked out since Friday. It was nice because there was hardly anyone there. I met some guy named “Mike” while I was on the Life Cycle. He works at Horatio’s as a waiter.
“The next time you eat at Horatio’s I’ll try and arrange good seating by the window for you.”
“Oh, Thanks. That would be great,” I said, thinking he was such a nice guy.

After the Sunday afternoon workout I felt like surprising Rachelle with a visit. I drove to her house.
“What are you doing here?” Rachelle asked.
“I wanted to surprise you.”
“Well, you did and I feel and look all grubby.”
“No you don’t.”
“If I was expecting you I would have been more prepared.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I insisted.
Rachelle was wearing my gray sweatshirt and gray sweat pants. I must admit that I have seen her look more ravishing. She still looked beautiful through my eyes. Her mom and stepdad left the house shortly after I had arrived. We shared half a bowl of cherries and discussed the idea of high-class prostitution.
“You could easily make five hundred bucks a night at that profession,” I said, thinking it would make her feel good.
She laughed. “No way, do you think so?”
I almost thought I could see the dollar signs light up in her eyes. I was serious with my statement; however, I am hoping she is not serious about the idea of high-class prostitution. And to top it off I hope she was not serious about the COKE plan with Dale either! If I learn they’re involved that will be “it”. I get a feeling they’d do something shady (without my knowledge), too.

I left Rachelle’s home. We left on good terms this time.

PHOTO:  Stephanie Zimbalist

I went to mom’s house and took another late afternoon nap. Then I woke up and watched “The Babysitter”, a film starring Stephanie Zimbalist, William Shatner and Patty Duke.  I like Stephanie Zimbalist.  She was born in 1956.  The movie was a story that was on when I had to go to the hospital back in November 1980. It brings back some horrible flashbacks but it was nice to see the complete movie I never got to see. After the movie I went straight home and fell asleep for the night. Tomorrow is a work day.

There's something missing in every plan. There's some hole in every crime, but you can never know where it is ahead of time.
-Stefan Zweig
"The Post-Office Girl"

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Extra Cautious

"...In the States a special group of internal spy chasers was created within the C.I.A. in the 1960's. It was led by a James Jesus Angleton.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Jesus_Angleton
It very nearly sabotaged the entire C.I.A. Angleton's gang were as fanatical as they were paranoid. They suspected everyone in the C.IA. of being a Russian agent. As a result the agency's effectiveness in large areas was paraylzed."
"But that's all speculation..."
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 22, 1985
Saturday

I woke up at 8:30AM and went to mom’s house for breakfast. My brother, John, came over and we had some good laughs about being able to fart in front of your mates. John also shared an episode in which Sherri’s Dad caught him in her bedroom closet ‘stark naked’. I laughed.

Rachelle telephoned.
“How about if I come over at one-thirty?” I asked.
“Well, okay. That sounds good,” she replied.
“I wanted to surprise you but I thought we could go to San Francisco and take the Sausalito Ferry.”
“Why?” She asked. “Do you want to go shopping?”
“No, I don’t want to go shopping. It’s a nice day and I thought it would be fun.”
“Oh, okay. I thought you might just want to go shopping around. Let me call you back.”

When Rachelle called back a little later she was all upset and crying. As it turned out, she read an article in the Daily Review that a man was shot on the same block that her father lives.
“Michael, we have to go to my Dad’s house right away!”
“I don’t really feel like facing him right now.”
She began to get upset and started to cry.
I decided to go and surprise her. So I drove to her place in Castro Valley as fast as I could. We went to her Dad’s house and he was just fine. We didn’t stay there for very long. Her Dad didn’t come over to talk to me like he did the last time.

Rachelle and I went for a bite at LYON’s Restaurant. Everything was very lovey-dovey while we were in the restaurant. When we left I (once again) decided to NOT let her have her way.
“I will drive this time,” I insisted.
“No, I want to drive,” she purred.
I held tightly to the car keys and we just stuck around in the parking lot for a while. Finally, I got inside the car and started to nap behind the wheel for a while. Then I decided to just give in to her.
“Ah, hell…you drive! Let’s go to my house,” I exclaimed as she smiled sweetly.

I allowed Rachelle to drive my car to my house and when we arrived we made sweet love upstairs. Lucky me as Marty went to Sacramento once again for the weekend. Rachelle and I took a nap. When we woke up she started to do some neat stretching, physical therapy exercises on me and my legs. It felt really good.

It was Rachelle’s idea. We tried to reenact the first time we made love—as best we could later that night (after we made-up again). This time mom had invited me over to her house because Helen had baked some chicken. Rachelle didn’t want to go.
“Well, if you don’t want to go, then I’ll just take you home,” I said.
“No, I’ll stay here. You can go to your mom’s and I’ll wait until you get back.”
“You’re being childish!”
“No I’m not.”
“I’m just taking you home,” I implored.
By now, all of this time had passed with our bickering that I decided to NOT go to mom’s house after all. We, of course, made up.

Rachelle said, “I won’t be reading any of your past journals anymore.”
“Oh good,” I thought, realizing that the journal I am writing in RIGHT NOW may be a bit more tempting for her. So I need to be extra cautious with this one.

After a nice lovemaking evening together I drove Rachelle back to Castro Valley.


"I have learned NOT to think little of any one's belief, no matter how strange it may be. I have tried to keep an open mind, and it is not the ordinary things of life that could close it, but the strange things, the extraordinary things, the things that make one doubt if they be mad or sane."
-Bram Stoker
"Dracula"

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The Xylophone and the Poinsettia

He had to play his cards right, and he would have to take control of the situation. Control was everything.
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest"

A Classic tune called Mister Sandman by The Chordettes is featured in a touching scene at the end of the 1982 film A LITTLE SEX, starring Tim Matheson and Kate Capshaw. Listen to it now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odcJ-vS22rI

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 21, 1985
Friday

I made a mistake. I told Dale I was engaged to be married. That was just like reporting it to the San Francisco Examiner. Dale shared the news with several people in the Business Office. He even had the nerve to say, “He’s even planning an engagement party!”
“What a creep,” I thought.
Ryan comes to my desk and what does he say?
“Congratulations Mike!”

During my first break I had coffee with Stephanie Bautista, my boss. I confessed.
“Those calls to France were made by me. I will pay for all of the ones that I made to Paloma.”
The total came to seventy-five dollars. The phone calls would be re-billed to my own personal phone bill. I was happy about it---at least---it didn’t cost me my job. Then again…would that have been so bad? I could have been hired on with another good paying job with my experience. I’m sure.

After work I went and stopped at the SHERATON to go to the bathroom. I was shocked to see Ryan at one of the open stalls jacking-off with some older guy and some other unknown. I used the enclosed stall and did my business and immediately left. Ryan can be gross at times. I don’t know if he saw me—or not.

I went to Cabine International Modeling and stopped by to see Gilbert. He looked terrible (as usual). The visit was brief. Then I went to Polanski’s Jewelers and waited for my sister-in-law, Helen to appear. I spoke to the jeweler, Sandy Polanski, for a while.
Sandy said, “I have a .75 carat diamond that you could have for two-thousand two hundred dollars.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked, thinking that news travels fast.
“Yes, and I can set it for free as an engagement ring.”
I could NOT believe I was actually shopping for an engagement ring. Is that what I really want? I do love Rachelle but after speaking to her on the telephone today I kept recalling her words.
Rachelle said, “WE have to talk about the engagement thing.”
She made it sound as if it was a ‘NO WAY’ situation. I felt kind of hurt—and relieved---at the same time. I think I was more hurt though.
Helen arrived at Sandy Polanski’s and I left shortly afterward.

I was home by 7:30PM. I showered. It felt good to be home. I felt fresh, clean. I even put a few loads of clothes into the washing machine. I was productive as I was straightening-up my bedroom, too.

By 8PM, Dale arrived with Andrew and Rachelle. In the beginning we all played with Andrew, then we played MONOPOLY (Of course, Andrew did not play). It was fun until Rachelle kept ragging at me over silly things.
“Why didn’t you buy my property?” Rachelle asked.
“What?”
“Yes, you didn’t buy mine. And now you are buying Dale’s property.”
Then Dale sold all of this property to Rachelle for a dollar (which was NOT fair), making her the bread winner. So, Rachelle and I succeeded in arguing more than once over the silly MONOPOLY game. Luckily, we did share a fair amount of kisses during the game, too.

We also played a word game I like called PROBE. It’s sort of like Wheel of Fortune in that we each think of a word and organize the cards face down to see who will guess the opponents word. I beat both Dale and Rachelle. Rachelle’s word was XYLOPHONE. I chose the word POINSETTIA. Dale was such a poor sport. No one guessed my word. 

Dale left with Andrew. Rachelle and I went upstairs and made mad, passionate love. It feels too good. She makes me feel ultimately relieved and so engrossed over her. She’s a hot lady. I want her forever.

On this Friday we arrived at her house by four o’clock in the morning. She was locked out! She had to knock on her brother’s Billy’s window to get inside. There was a little scene before she went inside her house. I jo’d in my car with her next to me. She enjoys watching me do that—but little does she know that while I was doing ‘it’ I was fantasizing that I was f---‘n her sweetly and in the heat of passion. As I write I suddenly have visions of the movie BODY HEAT coming to my mind. Also, the movie “A LITTLE SEX” is coming to my mind.

I drove home—almost falling asleep---but I made it.

My emotions were flickering off and on like a defective light bulb.
-James Kirkwood
"Good Times, Bad Times", a novel

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She Makes Me Feel So Right

It had turned into a journal in which he let his thoughts run free while at the same time he meticulously wrote up every conversation and every meeting, as well as all the research he was doing.
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Played With Fire"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 20, 1985
Thursday

This morning my section had a meeting. Steph happened to mention that someone had been making calls to France on our telephone lines in the Demo room. I did not say one word. She didn’t confront me personally, so I thought I’d wait until that happened. It was bound to happen. I was a bit nervous.
I had to talk to Dale about it.

Dale gave me a good pep and prep talk. It was a good role play work over. Now I know what I will say when I am confronted.

Work was good. I had some key sales results.

Rachelle calls me a lot at work. I guess she doesn’t understand that ‘I do work’ there! I love when she calls but ‘shit’…I wish she’d let me do the calling when I am at the workplace. Then again…she never answers her phone when I call.

Helen called me and tomorrow I will accompany her to her jeweler. I may get Rachelle a ring. I am very indecisive about doing so. Does she deserve it? She used to treat me so sweet and now she acts mean and domineering. It bugs me. I wonder how long our relationship will last.

After work I went home and went upstairs to my bedroom. I was really surprised to see Rachelle lying there on my bed with my white terry cloth robe on! It was a great feeling. It is times like that which make me realize how much I truly love this girl. We made love and she makes me feel so right.

Of course, we also had a fight. I don’t remember what it was about, so it must have been a little nothing. We have decided to get married come July 1986. It’s tentative but we both sort of admitted and agreed to an engagement.


"It was about being with someone who really, really enjoys you, makes you feel good about yourself."
The secret to being a good lover is that, A, knowing you're not in this alone, and, B, once you get that established?
Sometimes you can pleasure the other person most by pleasuring yourself.
-Richard Price
"Lush Life"

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I Know He's Iffy

"I've had many enemies over the years.  If there's one thing I've learned, it's never engage in a fight you're sure to lose.  On the other hand, never let anyone who has insulted you get away with it.  Bide your time and strike when you're in a position of strength--even if you no longer need to strike back."
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 19, 1985
Wednesday

It’s difficult to recall what happened at work today. Dale returned from being sick. He and Rachelle still have plans of looking into scuba diving.

I want to be on ‘The Wheel of Fortune’ show but I have to call the first week of July to schedule an appointment.

Work was really kind of a drag. Stephanie Redding finally called me at work with a real order to place. It’s been a while since she’d called on business. I let Rachelle listen while I talked to her. Rachelle pressed her touchtone beeper when Stephanie made some remark. That was funny.

I went straight to the gym after work. Bob Maloney showed up. He waved to me while I was on the Life Cycle. As Rachelle would put it, “I know he’s iffy.”

Bob Maloney may be tempting for a night or two—and then some but I would never disclose this to Rachelle. She’s right. He does have a nice body but just wait until I’ve been exercising and lifting weights steadily for one and a half years (like he has done). I’d best watch my diet though. I better keep away from Rachelle and her pizza and ice-cream sundae cravings!

After two sets on the weights and twenty-four minutes on the Life Cycle I went to my car. I sat in the driver’s seat and finished writing the card to Rachelle. The card depicted a picturesque, elegant bed. I hope she likes it. I went to her house. Her mom, stepdad and brother were there.

Rachelle’s mom is a sweetheart. I believe she thinks I am nice, too. Her mom and stepdad are both very nice to me. Her brother, Billy, is pretty nice, too. Rachelle’s mom made some excellent homemade peach pie. Yummy! Rachelle’s mother and I were trying to be subtle about it—but we both were trying to persuade Rachelle against the idea of scuba diving. She is a stubborn child sometimes.

Rachelle and I and Billy played Monopoly. The game couldn’t  last longer than half an hour with the stubborn, spoiled Rachelle playing the game. I landed on her Kentucky Avenue and she didn’t notice until after Billy tossed the dice for his turn. I wouldn’t pay her rent, so she quit because it wasn’t fair! If she had been paying attention and asked to collect the rent it would be a different story. It reminds me of my little brother John’s ‘growing up’ days. He used to do that until he got his way. What burned me is when Rachelle said, “And you can leave the house, too.”
That really burned me inside but when I started to leave she jumped up and said, “No, wait!”
Why I returned is beyond me. We sort of made up through hugs and kisses. When I see her smile of innocence and that caring look I want to melt inside.

1982 Song: “I Melt with You” by Modern English
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuN6gs0AJls

I guess it is ‘pure love’. We left her house and parked up at a nearby park in Castro Valley. We looked out at the view and then drove down a bit. We began to have a very serious talk.
“I have to tell you something, Rachelle.”
“What--go ahead?”
“Well, I’m tired of hearing you say that maybe we should break up after having those little argumentative fights that you always start.”
“I start?”
“Yes…and you don’t need to even start it in the first place!”
She really needs to be refrained from her ‘No No No’ way of complaining. She needs to be able to let go and say, “Yes Yes Okay.” It’s like she’s been getting away with it all of her life.

Who knows? We departed as lovers once again.

Peace returned, like the cooler air after a storm.
-Stefan Zweig
"The Post-Office Girl"

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Jealous Journals

His moods change so rapidly that I find it difficult to keep touch of them, and as they always mean something more than his own well-being, they form a more than interesting study.
-Bram Stoker
"Dracula"

Twenty-five years ago today:

A card dated 1985 from Dale Orlando:
PHOTO:

 'Girls will be Girls...'
But You're an Absolute Bitch!
We both are!!!
All right. I give in. Let's stop fighting and be sisters again. I am sorry I got upset with you, I should understand where you are coming from, and I do.

I just believe I could have fun any where, anytime, with anyone, as long as it's people I like being around!!! You can't--oh well.

Please come out with us tonight, I enjoy your company and love your friendship and great humor. Please Car Pool with us Friday.
Love Your Fav Sister,
Dale 
of "Chip n' Dale's", Division of AEI, Inc.

PS. Let me be bossy once in a while!

 





PHOTO: Another card dated 1985 from Dale Orlando:

'Devil or Angel'...Either way, you take the cake!
It's true...it's true. OH yes, it's true. I know...grow up!
Chip,
I am so sorry for all of the heartache you are suffering. I know what you are going through. Paloma does not really know what she is giving up by giving up you. Someday she will realize her error and it will be too late. You are a very special person, in a class of your own. The lucky person who receives your love, loyalty and devotion will be the wealthiest person alive. Truly worth your weight in gold. Please know you can come to me with any problem and receive my help. 
Love you, 
Dale of 'Chip and Dale's'.



June 18, 1985
Tuesday

Today is ‘Summer Safety Fun Day’ at the office. I wore a white shirt and yellow shorts. We were supposed to dress for summer.

Today is Margaret Lai’s birthday. I wrote out a card for her this very morning. I waited for Cindy Chow to help her with her goodies, too.

Margaret really liked her Rodeo Drive-Beverly Hills card and the long letter that I wrote. She’s sweet.

At 11AM Rachelle called me to pout about not having change for a ten dollar bill. She was at the San Leandro BART station. She was able to somehow get change and was waiting for me in the lobby by noon. The heel of her shoe was broken so we settled on the corner café for my usual turkey sandwich (and she had her usual roast beef sandwich). It was great to see her. She was wearing a dark turquoise dress and looked as delicious as ever.

She came up to my office and sat with me until 3PM or so. She even listened in on a few client calls.

I forgot to return a call to Cam (from MACY’s) who called my Dad yesterday. It was about a job—I guess.

At lunch, Rachelle and I had an argument in my car. She was trying to rip my picture of Paloma. She did rip it just a little. I ripped Joe Smith’s photo a teeny crevice of a bit and she almost had a heart-attack. She pulled my hair! It hurt! I hate when she’s so domineering and—needless to say—violent! Before giving her the keys to my car I made her give me a promise.
“I promise I will NOT read your journals,” Rachelle said.
I handed her the keys.

By 5PM she was in my car, writing in her own journal. She supposedly did not read my journals. It was later that I learned that she only skimmed through them. She read about George Jones and Tammy Duhr. I read her journal when we got to my house. She had remarks about Jeff (the aerobics instructor) and a little bit about Bob Maloney. She wrote ‘Bob is the sexiest guy she’s ever seen.’ Give me a break! 

Was that a planted line for me to read? I wonder if she knows that I may have seen sexier girls than her as well. We had an argument about reading each others’ journals. We especially argued about the topics on Jeff, Bob, Joe and Joe’s ‘Robert’. Apparently, Joe’s dick had a nickname, too (Robert). It hurt me to read those things. Yes, it made me jealous. While I know she loves me I know I shouldn’t worry.

We started to make love again until I was about to cum—and she backed away in order for me to pull out. What a frustrating moment once again. We’re back in good terms though.
Rachelle said later, “I am dying to read Paloma’s next letter.”
“I’d rather you didn’t.”
She had plans to start reading all of my journals, beginning with the first one. That bugs me. What happened to her earlier promise? I don’t want her reading my innermost past. Who knows what I may have written back then?

Well, Rachelle and I went to her house. She had to take her car home. Glenn yelled over and told her that her Dad and Billy were up at the park near Lake Chabot. We went up there and her dad got on my case.
Rachelle’s Dad yelled to Rachelle, “Grow up!”
I said, “Ha…That’s what I always say!”
He stormed over to my car window and got on my case about making a remark. Both Rachelle and I tried to explain what I had said. It wasn’t derogatory towards him in any way.
Then Rachelle’s Dad said, “You have no right to talk to her that way.”
We started to drive off and I repeated to Rachelle, “I think your dad is jealous of me.”
When I said it I tried to enunciate clearly so that her father could hopefully read my lips. Oh well, I do hope there are no hard feelings. I thought he was pretty rude.
Rachelle agreed, “I thought he was rude, too!”

A mind that stays at the same capacity cannot live forever; after a few thousand years it would look more like a repeating tape loop than a person.
-Ray Kurzweil
"The Singularity Is Near"

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Sensitive

I suppose a cry does us all good at times, clears the air as other rain does.

-Bram Stoker
"Dracula"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 17, 1985
Monday

Rachelle may be coming by my house today. She is also going to Jeff’s work out class which means I may not see her when I get home. Boo hoo--but I will see her at the gym (at least).

Mike Thoennes heard me wake up this morning. He left at the same time I did (which is good). I didn’t want Marty, my roommate, to feel ‘bugged’ by the unfamiliar visitor. Then again…’what the hell’…it is my pad. I can let whomever I choose to come and go as I see fit.

Rachelle left her pink scarf in my car. I like to smell it. She’s also left other sorts of tangible items like panty hose, hair brushes, lipstick, hairspray, belts, etc. It’s nice having her stuff around because it reminds me of her, making me feel closer than ever.

Dale stayed out until 4:30AM yesterday. He looked really beat tired and ‘out of it’ today. I made him walk with me to my Deputy Teller machine at Great Western during my first break. At lunch we went to Don Miguel’s. He loves that ‘heavy’ Mexican food. Yuck! I can easily do without it. I’m glad Rachelle has no real liking for it.

Dale got to go home early, feeling sick. Stephanie Bautista let me be her RD (Research & Development) person this afternoon while she went to the dentist. I was acting manager for the section. It was an easy task.

At 5PM traffic was unusually light. I made it home by 5:30PM. I went straight to the gym. Rachelle was there with her mom, ready to start Jeff’s aerobic class. Jeff’s the one with the gay tights, the balding head and the big gross bulge in his crotch area. I did my twelve minutes on the bike with one set of weight training. Rachelle and I left after the workout.

Rachelle was making me feel jealous again by talking about ‘what a dick’ Jeff was because he kept correcting her aerobic moves. Why should she care so much whether he’s a dick or not? Who gives a hoot! Oh well, Rachelle continued.
“I noticed Bob Maloney was not at the gym,” she said.
“Big deal,” I said, wondering why she was searching for him in the first place.
I was thinking about how Rachelle had read my previous Journal number “10” today, taking it home with her tonight. I forget what I wrote but now I am nervous. I am wondering what comments I may have written about Bob Maloney. I seem to recall noticing his “QBL-ness” and my feelings of finding him attractive. I mean, Bob is a possibility—but there would be ‘no way’. Rachelle will hopefully know and realize that.

Rachelle drove to my house with me after the gym. We ordered a La Val’s Pizza, having juice to go along with it. The pizza was good but I didn’t feel rewarded after I had just done a workout. Then, of course, Rachelle and I got into an argument.
“I don’t think you like me anymore,” Rachelle announced.
“Come on,” I said.
“No, I don’t think you do—and I don’t think Rodney does for that matter.”
“Why? Is it just because Rodney wasn’t hard for a minute?”
“No.”
“You’re too much,” I said, finding out later that she was only kidding with me.
I am sensitive to those things. It’s not that I don’t love her. I just want her to get all excited and then let Rodney ‘get into the groove’ later. Why does she belittle me and act so ‘bitchy’ over little things like that? I was upset over it. There was one moment tonight when she wanted me to come closer to her. I didn’t, so it made her give me a snide remark:
“I bet if I were Paloma you’d be getting a lot closer!”
I thought silently, “Oh damn, why did she read my journal?”
Rachelle confessed. She actually read that I craved fucking Paloma and stuff! I’m totally embarrassed. I hope Rachelle doesn’t confront me with that particular line. So far, Rachelle has mentioned Stephanie and her nonchalant, bitchy, lying ways. She told me she laughed about my ‘wildly fucking feelings’ after a gym workout. Who knows what else she laughed about? She made me mad by showing me Joe Smith’s ring that belonged to his mother (which she was actually wearing!). Was that really supposed to make me feel good? Oh well, we made up anyway. It was funny how we made up.

I said, “You know…I don’t want to see you anymore.”
After I said it I felt like taking it back with an “Oh no, I don’t mean that at all.”
I didn’t though. I saw a few tears come to her eyes. Then a few tears were behind my eyes but were not easy to come out. So, it was an immediate make-up and we were back together. I kissed her. She kissed me. We went upstairs. We touched. We made love. Then, she forced me ‘out of her’ after I was just ‘at that point’. It was one hell of a frustrating moment.

I was going to share anal intercourse with her, too—but Rodney wasn’t hard enough. And besides—she felt kind of irritated because she had forgotten to take her Today Sponge out and the sudsy stuff got on Rodney. It didn’t feel too good. We started to make love again and it was great until she pushed Rodney ‘out of the box’ again. What a letdown!

Rachelle drove me back to the gym because my car was still parked there. We departed happily with a kiss. I was home quickly. I called Rachelle when she began to read ‘word for word’ excerpts out of my Journal Number “10”. She took it home with her! God help us all…especially if she reads my first eight journals! She knows enough about me. Shit! We said goodnight to one another and I am only wondering what she’ll read about NOW.


I seize this moment when courage comes to me, to resist, the power which drags me onward without inquiring whether or not I have the force to follow. Who is she?
-Honroe de Balzac
"Seraphita"

Read More

The Shallow Parts

"You know what's scary about committment?
Your life becomes real."
-Passengers (2008 Film)

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 16, 1985
Sunday

I called Rachelle but I guess her ringer was set to ‘OFF’.

I called mom
“Hi, I’ll be over for a bite, okay?”
“Okay.”

Somehow I finally got through to Rachelle (probably) because she called me at my mom’s house. She persuaded me to go over to her house at twelve-thirty today.
“I’ll make you lunch, okay?” Rachelle asked sweetly.

I stayed at mom’s house after the phone call. Mom went to the grocery store while I fell asleep to a taped episode of ‘The Young and The Restless’. When I woke up mom was just returning home. I decided to leave for Rachelle’s (as promised).

Rachelle and I had a hot dog, fruit, a peach yogurt, unsalted chips and lemonade. It was all good. She’s a sweetheart. We went to the Valley Shopping Center. She showed me a summer dress that she just loved. I’m thinking about getting it for her. She bought some film, too.

We went to Glenn’s backyard (Billy’s friend—Billy is Rachelle’s little brother) and took a dip in the swimming pool. It was a really nice backyard. We had fun.
Rachelle said, “I’m going to teach you how to swim.”
“It’s okay. I’m comfortable in the shallow parts.”

By 3PM I was driving back to Alameda because she was going to Bobby McGee’s for a family dinner.

I had previously made plans to go to Helen’s family dinner gathering at the Mayflower Restaurant in Oakland. When I arrived at mom’s house I found my brother, Tony, to be the only one there.
Tony said, “Mom, Dad and Helen went to see some model homes for sale in Alameda.”
“Oh, I was wondering. I think I’m going to take a nap.”

I suddenly received a surprise phone call. It was Michael Thoennes. I thought he was living in Oregon. He was actually in Milpitas and on his way to Sacramento tomorrow. His Grandmother bought him a car and he’ll be living at his Grandma’s house for free while he’s going to school out there.
“I may stop by tonight,” Michael said.
“Okay. It’s okay for you to spend the night,” I said.
“Okay, I might do that.”

Dale called and wanted me to meet him for a drink. He was with his step-mother. I didn’t go. I was too tired. I did attend the dinner with Helen’s family. It was mellow and nice. It was nice to see Geneva (Helen’s sister), Derrick and Nicole again. Helen’s five months along in her pregnancy already. Wow!

When I arrived home I found myself on the phone with Dale once again.
“Yeah, so Mike Thoennes called and he might come by tonight.”
“What kind of friend is he?” Dale asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Well…”
“I don’t appreciate that question…at all.”

I got off the phone from Dale and decided to call Rachelle. When I explained about Mike Thoennes calling she began to question me along the same lines as Dale. I hate that!

PHOTO: Mike Thoennes

Oh well, Mike Thoennes came over at 10:30PM. I was on the phone with Rachelle at the time of his arrival.
“I love you. Good-bye,” I said to Rachelle.
“You know that you and Rachelle are welcome to come over to Sacramento and stay with me anytime,” Michael Thoennes said.
“Oh, that’s nice of you.”
“While I was in Oregon I was seeing a girl named Amanda. It was neat because a few years back I used to make it with her sister, Ginny.”
I laughed.
Mike stayed the night.

I slept soundly until Rachelle called at 'God knows what hour of the morning'. I wonder if she had suspicions about Mike Thoennes and me. I hope she realizes that while I’m with her I could never two-time her with anyone. And while I may turn my head and look—I’d never touch. Rachelle and Candy is my ideal comfort zone for now and for good (I hope). I love her lots.

Danny Garcia called earlier this evening, too.
“I can’t come by on Tuesday after all but maybe we can meet up on Thursday.”
“Okay,” I said, but now I don’t know if I really want to meet him on Thursday.
“I just want a friend to confide in and feel comfortable with,” Danny said.
“I know,” I said, but I still have sneaking suspicions that he’d love to screw around with me. I have no desire for him whatsoever.

While Rachelle may call me in the early AM (or whenever) it makes me love her more to know she cares to call. I saw her bedroom for the first time yesterday. It’s really very nice. I like the album covers that she has up on her wall. I plan to buy COREY HART’s new album and add it to her collection. I love his song “Never Surrender”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ8-Bbgs9zQ


On this same date Paloma was in Paris writing this postcard:
This is the image of the postcard:

Paris, 16 Juin, 1985

Dear Michael,
Just want you to know that I still think about you very much. Why aren’t you writing anymore? Is something wrong? I hope you will always tell me. I haven’t been able to write much lately like I was planning to because of something. It would be too long to tell you in a letter. What about you?
Anyway, I really hope to hear from you soon.
Love you,
Paloma

Time will mellow it, make it a moment for laughter.  But now it was not funny, now I did not laugh.
-Daphne du Maurier
"Rebecca"

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You Better Love Somebody

"What makes me so cross is that you're abandoning ship all of a sudden.  You're leaving me in the lurch when things are absolutely at their worst ever."
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 15, 1985
Saturday

Happy 28th Anniversary mom and dad!

Rachelle was not answering her telephone this morning, so I went to mom’s for a bit. Afterwards, I washed my car and then went to the gym to work out until it was almost 11:30AM. I telephoned Rachelle at that time and she answered this time.
“I’ll be right over,” I said.
“Okay.”

I picked-up Rachelle and we went to my house. We started to fool around but didn’t. I guess Rodney really is on restriction from Candy (so Rachelle says).

We went to the pool and my brother, John, Sherri and Heidi were there. Rachelle had her COSMOPOLITAN Magazine. I had my “M” Magazine. We lounged and did our lay out bit under the sun. Rachelle and I played up to the fact that she graduated last Thursday. Little do they know that she graduates next year! My cousin, Shonette West, will be a freshman at her high-school when Rachelle is a senior.

After the pool gathering we went to my house to fool around. I had a suave experience with her. It was “ultimo”. I kind of liked it without in one way—and then again—it was okay. I don’t know. I think Rachelle loves making love to me no matter what. I know I do to her.

Then we went to the Alameda South Shore Beach and stayed lying there on the sand for about an hour and a half. We went back to my house. I telephoned my mom to see what she was doing tonight. The game plan was to get Rachelle to watch her Rick Springfield ‘Hard to Hold’ VHS-videotape on mom’s VCR.
Mom said, “Yes, it’s okay for you to come watch it over here.”
So, I drove to Castro Valley to get the tape at her house and then we returned to my mom’s. We ordered a Canadian Bacon Pizza for delivery. Mom was in her room watching another show, so we had our privacy. Dad was working. Then it began to bug me to watch Rachelle get all queasy every time they showed Rick Springfield on the tube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfqcnvlWKoQ

She loves me more than Rick Springfield though (I think). I hope…or maybe to her I’m just the ‘next best thing’. Wouldn’t it be interesting if she dropped me for Rick Springfield and then he faded into a nothingness rock star as time went by (and then I became an infamous star of some sort later)? She would dream on about having me back. I’m sure.

After the ‘Hard to Hold’ show we went back to my pad and got in a heated argument. I was truly hurt.
Rachelle said, “You think only of yourself during our lovemaking.”
“What? You know that’s not true.”
“Yes, you don’t care enough about my climaxing.”
“Well, you sure always seem to be having a good time from what I can tell.”
She shrugged.
Seriously. I thought she felt me inside of her. What is she talking about? She claimed she doesn’t really feel me inside. I was hurt.
To top it off she actually said, “One time Joe Smith made my legs shake because I almost came.”
It may not have been those exact words but it was something along those lines.
Then she suddenly backlogged with an old fight saying, “And how and why do you keep writing to Paloma?”
I explained in the only way I thought I could.
“I write to her because Paloma’s my friend. I wanted to find out if she was bisexual and if she ever suspected about me being attracted to guys. I wanted to see how she would react. You KNOW the story, Rachelle!” I shouted.
“Well, I’m upset,” Rachelle shouted back.
I knew it was all because of what she had read in my journal. I really liked Paloma and I can’t just banish my feelings for her totally. I wanted the fight to end.
So I said, “I won’t be writing to Paloma anymore, okay?”
I don’t know whether or not I really won’t.

Eventually, Rachelle and I made up. She admitted to being out-of-line in reference to my lovemaking and my hot ---. We went upstairs and we got into some heavy stuff.
In the middle of it all, Rachelle making comments about wanting me to cum—but I don’t know if ‘it was psychological or what---but her stating that couldn’t get me to cum…so we got tired out. Or at least Michael got tired out…so we called it a night.

Rachelle drove home in my car. We were suddenly all lovey-dovey again. I loved hearing that “Three Times a Lady” song when it came on the radio…at seventeen or thirty-two…I love her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5ruDqdZn_s

Our fleeting happiness here below is the forerunning proof of another and a perfect happiness, just as the earth, a fragment of the world, arrests the universe.
-Honroe de Balzac
"Seraphita"

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Buddy-Buddy

There are no innocents. There are, however, different degrees of responsibility.
-Stieg Larsoon
"The Girl Who Played With Fire"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 14, 1985
Friday

Ma and Pa received the Anniversary cards I sent them. They liked them, too.

I spoke to Rachelle several times throughout the day. She is going to accompany me to Pittsburg tonight to have dinner at Dale’s house. She went to my place again today and took her brother and a couple of his friends to the Islandia Pool and the Alameda beach.
Rachelle said, “While I was at the beach you’ll never guess who I ran into.”
“Who,” I asked with major league curiosity.
“You know that aerobics instructor, Jeff, at our gym.”
“Oh God, he’s so Q.B.L.”
“Yeah, and he was wearing a blue striped bikini!”
“Well, that answers the Q.B.L. question.”
She laughed and said, “And yeah, some black dude tried to swoop on me and so did Ron, the windsurfer.”
“Oh great, do you mean the so-called friend of mine, Ron?”
“I think so.”
“Yes, he’s the one who wanted me to take up windsurfing.”
“That’s funny because he invited me to go windsurfing with him.”
“Did you?”
“No way,” replied Rachelle.
Lucky for me she didn’t windsurf with him. Then again, he’s kind of Q.B.L., too. So…whatever.

After work I arrived home and made the mistake of taking the freeway to Rachelle’s house. I was late and we didn’t arrive in Pittsburg until 7:30PM. We went to the pool and had fun. Rachelle and Dale tried to get me to float. They already knew of my fear of water but they relaxed me a bit. My fear is still there. When and whether the fear will ever go away is beyond me. Now Rachelle wants to take scuba diving lessons with Dale. Give me a break! I sometimes wish they wouldn’t be so ‘buddy-buddy’. It bugs me. I want my beautiful Aquarius all to myself.

We ate dinner and watched JOAN RIVERS. We played with Andrew for a while, too. Dee was sweet. We started to watch the movie “9 to 5” but left by 11PM. I drove directly to Rachelle’s house in Castro Valley. We kissed each other good night and made plans for the beach tomorrow.

"What with one sort of attachment and another you are doing away with your usefulness."
-Joseph Conrad
"The Secret Agent"

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The People In Our Lives

"In the end it's the people in our lives who provide the balance to help us make it through life."
-KYLE-XY, Season II

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 13, 1985
Thursday

Dale drove right up next to me in the parking lot in San Francisco on this morning.
“I’ve changed my mind and I am definitely not going to gossip anymore,” Dale said.
“Oh, you are, huh?”
“Yes, I have a second chance with you and Rachelle and I don’t want to intrude. I blew it with Joe and Ryan and I don’t want it to ever happen again.”
“What happened with Joe and Ryan anyway?”
“Oh, I don’t want to go into the whole story.”
“Okay, whatever.”

Rachelle is worried.
“Michael, I think I may be pregnant!”
And last night we did ‘IT’ again, so nine months from now…who knows? Now I’m worried. I love her so, yet, sometimes I wonder if she realizes how much I do. She always wants reassurance. I wish my words were more persuasive.

I was supposed to go to TGIF’s tonight for Mary McTiernan’s birthday but I decided against it. I came home and Rachelle was there. We remained at my house and ‘played’. Then we went to Central Alameda for a bite to eat. There weren’t any good restaurant choices, so we ended up at the Ice-Cream Dock. Rachelle saw a ring she liked at the Harbor Bay Isle Jewelers display window.

After dinner we went back to my house and cuddled along with all of that good stuff. I love her body so. I hope she loves mine as much—but with Bob Maloney as competition I feel a bit of a downer. She almost thrives on it when she uses him as a jealousy ploy.

Margaret Lai is having a birthday party for her son, Lance in July. She wants me, Rachelle and Ashley to attend. I think that might be fun. Margaret is a sweetie.

Danny Garcia called me. He is in a kind of a downer mood. I think it’s because the way things aren’t with him and Robert now. Then again he claims to be glad of the break-up. He is still living with Laurie (a weird kind of gal). Anyway, Danny somehow arranged it to come over here--to my house--for a visit on Tuesday night 'to talk' over dinner. He knows about me and Rachelle.
In fact, Danny said, “I’m glad that you’ve found someone that you truly feel happy with.”

Rachelle and I still have our ‘ups and downs’ as is the case with most relationships. Our good times do outweigh the bad…I think.

"You wouldn't believe what a dead finger does to a living hand. You can't draw with it if you want to become an architect, you can't type in an office, you can't grab hold of things where there's heavy labor to be done. Little devil of a tendon, just a wisp of a thing, and everything you want to do in your LIFE hangs by a thread like that. It's like when you make a mistake of a millimeter on the ground plan of a building, one little thing and it all comes crashing down."
-Stefan Zweig
"The Post-Office Girl"

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