Courageous

I often felt in my depression, that really great courage was needed to tell the truth; for one who lacked courage and reconciled oneself to hypocrisy could never open up a new path in life. What's more, one just could not exist.
-Xu Xiang Stories

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 15, 1985
Monday

It wasn’t the greatest feeling to wake up this morning. I did though. I did five-hundred ‘half-sit ups’, too (since I didn’t do them yesterday). I have to make up for it.

For my break time today I accompanied Margaret Lai to her bank again. She received her income tax refund. She even called me yesterday to brag about her receiving over $1400 dollars. Damn! I can’t wait to eat all of those goodies at her party on Sunday.

Dale has a new computer that prints out all of his journal entries. He purposely brought a printout of his experience with Robert, the soldier boy. Give me a break! He wrote that the guy said the last three days were the best sexual experiences he’d ever had.  And it was with Dale!  Gross!  He wrote that the soldier especially liked the way Dale gave him an ultimate ‘head job’ of sorts, making him climax to an ultimate point.  Yuck!   I can’t even imagine him with someone.  He’s definitely NMT (Not My Type).   I would never.  I think he brought the printout to make me wonder how he is romantically.  I am definitely NOT interested.

At lunchtime I played the HANGMAN word game with Dale.   I swept him away.  He claims I was bragging.  I wasn’t really.  I may have been teasing a bit too hard.  He deserves it.   I made him feel dumb today. Ha-ha.  He wasn’t too good.  That’s for sure.   I don’t know how he’ll do at The Wheel of Fortune audition.

My sales results for the day were ‘okay’.

Steph, my boss, brought me a neat black key chain coin purse sort-of-thing.  That was so sweet of her.

I had a talk with Margaret Lai.
“I think I should go to Paris in September, Margaret.”
“You should, but definitely do NOT tell Rachelle.”
So, I don’t know. I want to go but the money fund situation may be ‘sticky’.

I was working out at the gym when Hector confronted me.
“Hi, I’m Hector. There’s a girl up front who works here named Lorraine who likes you…or she thinks you’re cute.”
I laughed. Then I saw that he was serious.
So I said, “I’ll have to take a look.”
“She’s a Chicana.”
I wasn’t too impressed based on that statement but didn’t say anything else.

Randy, the guy who referred to Rachelle as my ‘old lady’ spoke to me a bit today also.
Randy said, “You know, my roommate made spaghetti with marijuana in it.”
“Now that’s something I’d be tempted to try. I just can’t see myself smoking it,” I replied.
He laughed.

After my gym shower I was leaving when Lorraine (the Chicana girl) confronted me.   She’s courageous.  I was surprised.
“Hi. I just wanted to confess that I was the one who called you that other night,” Lorraine said.
That was Friday night when someone called while Rachelle and I were making love!  Then I realized that Lorraine is the one who mentioned the Hawaii gym party on Thursday.
“Oh, it was you?” I asked.
“Yes, I just didn’t realize it was you until after I hung-up,” Lorraine said with an honest smile.
I thought, “Yeah, sure…no wonder that one other gal asked to keep my gym card to get re-coded.   She wanted to look up my records for Lorraine to get my telephone number.  Hmmm…Suspicious.”
Anyway, Lorraine and I seemed to talk quite comfortably.
Lorraine said, Maybe we could get together for a drink sometime.”
Gulp! Help Rachelle!

I went outside and waited for Rachelle. 
She came out and said, “Wait here! Some guy told me you were outside.”

I waited and I started to wonder what else she may have said to this guy who told her I was outside.   I’m sure she giggled, flirted a little like always.   I knew she wanted me to wait because Danee was still inside the women’s locker room. I waited and waited and waited. I didn’t want to go back inside the gym to find her talking to another guy and make a fool out of myself.  Not to mention making a scene in front of Lorraine.   So, I just left. 

I drove my car around the parking lot in search of her car.  I wanted to park next to it but it was nowhere in sight.  After ten minutes of driving around the parking lot I left for home.

I warmed up some frozen vegetables and drank water as I watched a little bit of the MISS UNIVERSE pageant.   I love Ms. New Zealand. She’s a blond and a looker and a half.

I keep thinking of Christie now. I want to see how she is doing. I may ask her to lunch tomorrow. It’s funny. I really don’t feel that I’ve changed at all. Sometimes Rachelle refers to me as 'being gay' or ‘used to be gay’. Dale says I avoid the issue but I’m more attracted to felines these days. I feel like Paloma. It’s a rare occasion when I see a male that I’m attracted to. It’s just as she described when she has rare occasions of seeing a female that she is attracted to as well.  I almost want to avoid Dale a lot more now.   I hate his ‘guy talk’.   It kind of makes me feel ugh…sick inside.

Rachelle is probably mad at me because I didn’t wait for her outside of the gym.   Hell! I don’t care!  I needn’t take orders from her like that: “Wait for me here!” Shit!

Marty came down and said, “Stephanie Redding called. Oh and Dale called.”
Marty was on the telephone line and he didn’t get off the line for me to make my calls. Creep. It’s a good thing he’s leaving.

Today, at work, I placed a New Connect order for the COORS BICYCLE CLASSIC which is headquartered in Colorado. The event is in San Francisco this year. The lady told me to go see it at around 10:30AM on August 4th at Fisherman’s Wharf (in front of Francesco’s Restaurant). I am going to take my bike on BART that day and see. It will be fun. If no one wants to go with me, then that’s okay. It’ll be my own special therapeutic bike entertainment.

I telephoned Rachelle but there was no answer. Eventually, she called me back and all I know is that it must have been some time after 11PM.   I shared with her about ‘Courageous Lorraine’.
Rachelle laughed and said, “Just wait until she sees you with a girlfriend that works out there. She’ll feel so dumb!”
I laughed, knowing that she was hinting that she was ‘my girlfriend’. 

Then Rachelle had to share how some guy in a car persuaded both Danee and herself to share a joint with him.
“What? Run this by me again,” I screeched.
“Well, I pulled into a nearby SAFEWAY and this guy followed us. Then we went to his house.”
“I can’t believe you!”
The next thing I knew she rambled on about Jim DeLeuze. He came by her house around 9PM to deliver some ice-chest that she left there during the rafting event.
“Jim just left,” Rachelle said nonchalantly.
It’s not so much that I’m jealous over Jim. It just confirms my plan to ask Christy to lunch tomorrow. If Christy says, “Not today,” then I will not persist. I’ll drop it because it probably isn’t meant to be.

I cannot believe that I attempted to call George Jones yesterday. I am glad his line was busy. I don’t need to include him in my life again.

I kind of want to fly to Paris the more I consider it.  I wonder.   I’d like to go to New York to see Bonni Jayne, too.  I’m undecided.   If I had another paid week after the first week of September I would really be tempted.

I did a gluteus maximus exercise just before I went to bed. It’s a neat feeling.

"Yes, now I want to say this.  You know, I live a regular life.   No fault can be found with it, everything I do is considered correct and generally approved.  Misfortune, as it is known in the society I frequent, has not spared me, as my surroundings and I have realized with satisfaction, and even the general good fortune has not failed me and I myself have been able to talk about it in a small circle of friends.  True, until now I had never been really in love.   I regretted it occasionally, but used the phrase when I needed it.   And now I must confess:  Yes, I am in love and quite beside myself with excitement.  I am an ardent lover, just what the girls dream of.  But ought I not to have considered that just this former lack of love gave an exceptional and gay, an especially gay, twist to my circumstances?"
(gay definition: adjective; full of or showing high-spirited merriment
("When hearts were young and gay")
-Franz Kafka
"Description of a Struggle"