Bread and Butter

Yves St. Laurent needed objects of fantasy. Fashion for him was like a play, a novel or a film peopled by characters with whom he could fall in love, idealise, be infatuated with and conjure up through clothes.  He needed women around him to trigger his imagination and seduce him aesthetically.
-Alicia Drake
"The Beautiful Fall:
Fashion, Genius, and Glorious Excess
in 1970s Paris"


Twenty-five years ago today

March 31, 1986
Monday

Another San Francisco parking lot is being taken over by construction of a new building. This may mean that the lot that I currently park my car will soon be invaded by unwanted visitors. Oh well—such is life.

I called Sandy Delph of Pacific Bell’s Placement Bureau today. She’s going to arrange an interview for me with some lady named Dorothy in San Francisco for the Copy Service Artist position. I worked hard on my portfolio this last weekend. I hope she’s impressed with my work. I intend to be honest and let her know what little work experience I have in the art world. I shall stress that I do have a Marketing-oriented mind and that I’d try my hardest (and damnedest) to perform well—if given the chance.

Steph Redding called me on Sunday night to tell me that she’s a full-fledged partner with Jean-Pierre International Modeling.
“I may need a colleague in the not too distant future to help me out, Michael.”
“Well, that’s an idea—at least.”
Who knows what could happen?

Anyway my interview with this woman named Dorothy should be on Thursday or Friday.

I walked with Margaret Lai to Michael’s Art Supplies during my lunchtime. I purchased some transparent plastic pages for some of my sketches and graphic illustrations. After work I went to Standard Brands for more mat boards and frames, too. I hope this “art” time will pay off. I think I’m good and can get better. I finished up the Pc Bell drawing to the point where I feel it will pass. Then I went to the gym.

Rick was there.
Rick asked, “So how was your Easter?”
“Ah, it was okay...kind of boring.”
“Yeah, it’s kind of a boring holiday, huh?”
“I know. I guess it’s because we can’t go Easter egg hunting anymore.”
Rick laughed.


I also saw Mark Landreth. He apparently bought a house not so long ago in San Lorenzo.
Mark said, “Yeah, I may need roommates in a couple months.”
That’s a funny, coincidental thing. I was going to ask him to be my roommate. I guess I can forget that thought now. I wonder if Chad will end up being Mark’s ‘roomie’. I doubt it. I picture Chad living alone.


My work out was hard. I think it’s because I didn’t bike or anything over this past weekend.


I worked on a few more graphics when I arrived home.


I bought this new record book at Alpha Beta. It’s the new book for my Journal #15.


Amy telephoned me before I left for the gym. We actually had a very nice talk.
Amy said excitedly, “My brother, Jeffrey, is coming to visit in June. I’m excited.”
She comes from a big family. I like her in a special way. Yet, again I am sort of afraid of a commitment of any sort. I am not ready for that. Am I? If it was ‘right’ in feeling I probably wouldn’t have any doubts at all.


Sometimes I think of Chad and I hate him. He was useless to me. At this point his life is in limbo without any cash flow. It makes me think of that classic CASHFLOW song by Leisure Process from 1983:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sIG9ALShyc


I am sure Chad and I will run into each other again but it won’t be the same. It’s mostly due to lack of communication, of course (and not giving in—on his part).


George Jones crosses my mind occasionally. I do want to call and meet up with him sometime. I’d just like to catch up on each other over these last two and half years. It would be fun.

I ate a few almonds and a Diet 7-Up before going to bed. I was thinking of how envious I was of Mark Landreth buying a house. It was only yesterday that I was contemplating the purchase of a Jaguar for next year. Perhaps the house should come first.


I know Steph Bautista wants me to stay on with her section in the SDC (Sales Development Center) at Pac Bell. I do bring a lot of ‘bread and butter’ to her section. I just truly hope I get hired as a Copy Service Artist. It sounds appealing. I feel that I am good enough. Perhaps I am underestimating myself. I tend to do that.  Where’s the confidence, Michael?


He took a lengthy, hot, soapy shower, which he enjoyed from both a sanitary and sensual point of view.
-John Katzenbach
"The Analyst"

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Soap-Opera

"In Carl Jung's opinion we all have a sixth sense: Intuition."
-Almost Famous, 2000 Film

Twenty-five years ago today

March 30, 1986
Easter Sunday

I started more art work first thing this morning. I could tell something was on Amy’s mind—sort of. I invited her to go with me to my folk’s house for a while but she decided to go home.

After Amy left I went to mom’s house and gave Ashley her Easter basket. She gave me one, too. I didn’t expect that.

Once again I returned home and did more art project work in order to produce a presentable portfolio. Mom stopped by and we watched a taped episode of her soap-opera, The Young and The Restless. I was mentally drained and chose to nap until four-thirty.

PHOTO: Ashley M Armijo, 1986

When I woke up I went to mom and dad’s house again to do more artwork. I needed a change of scenery. Mom and Dad were quietly working on their 1985 Income Tax return.

I received a phone call from Greg Manachevitz.
“Hey Mike! I just wanted to wish you a Happy Easter.”
It was nice of him to make the call—even though it was a little strange.
I was having a nice time being with mom and dad.

I like Amy but her figure isn’t what I require.

An earthquake shook me at 4AM.

"He's always attracted to the ART he isn't practicing."
-An Affair to Remember, 1957 Film

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Advice and Counsel

"The secret of becoming a star is knowing how to behave like one."
-Velvet Goldmine, 1998 Film

Twenty-five years ago today

March 29, 1986
Saturday

Amy and I woke up and went to Standard Brands Paints. I wanted to buy a portfolio and some other art and craft items. We ate at Ole’s Waffle Shop.

I began to work on several art projects as Amy provided advice and counsel.
I listened to SOUTHERN COMFORT (an Adventure-Thriller movie from 1981) while Amy watched it. I was busy working on an art project. I was 100% into my art because the Placement Bureau had called me at work, requesting a portfolio. Once she receives my portfolio she will arrange an interview with that department. I’m excited about it.

We watched the movie THIEF OF HEARTS together. Once THIEF OF HEARTS finished we went upstairs to my bedroom. We both had that fatigue feeling. We both slept.

"We all have secrets in this town. You just have to dig a little deeper for them."
-Armisted Maupin
Tales of the City, 1994

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The Symphony

In 1877, Tchaikovsky thought marriage to a woman would shield him from a homosexual sex scandal.
-as heard in the 2007 film
"Tchaikovsky"

Twenty-five years ago today

March 28, 1986
Friday

I had a two-hour lunch with Margaret Lai on this Good Friday. We went to Union Square. I bought my niece, Ashley, a giant Easter basket with a drum inside it.

After work out E-Team met at the Fog City Diner Restaurant and had a good dinner. I rushed home to change clothes afterward. I waited patiently for Amy to arrive.

Amy and I went to the Symphony in San Francisco. I like how my mind wanders when I listen to instrumental music. After the concert we went over to the Hard Rock Café.

I drove over the Oakland-Bay Bridge and we went to Jack London Square, stopping in at Gallagher’s where my brother, John, happened to be bartending. John treated us to a couple of drinks. We went home and slept ‘is all’.

"To write for oneself is a pleasant indulgence."
-Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
19th Century Russian Romanticism Composer

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Gorgeous

"If only there was a mathematical equation for LOVE.   LOVE was not like Max's rubiks cube.   It could not be solved. The stars made more sense."
-MARY AND MAX, 2009 Australian film

Twenty-five years ago today

March 27, 1986
Thursday

I had my last E-Team Committee meeting today. Our dinner at the Fog City Diner Restaurant is tomorrow night. It will be fun. I’ll have to head home by 7PM sharp to meet Amy because we’ll be heading back to SF for the symphony.

I didn’t go to the gym yesterday. I figured I should let my muscles (of what’s there) rest. I may go on Saturday. I was supposed to meet Mark and have another great workout with him but that’s okay. There’s always the next time.

I stayed home a while. Amy telephoned and I went to Dad’s house after our brief chat. I read through my new ESQUIRE magazine and the new US and World Reports magazine. By eight-thirty I was ready to hit the sack. Yawn.

I recalled how Karyn Kossoff came in to the office today. She came snooping over at my desk. I noticed her glance at Amy’s picture that I posted on my desk. I made no explanation but word sure gets around in this office. I’m sure Kayrn talked to Irene who talked to Stephanie (who’s a little gossip by the way).

Margaret thinks Amy is beautiful. Steph thinks she’s gorgeous, too. I will have to third the option.
However, I didn’t like when Amy said, “I feel that too much aerobics isn’t good for you.”
I guess that may be true but two times a week is excellent (I feel). Amy paid me a nice complement.
She stated, “You’re very fit and in good shape, Michael.”
That was very sweet of her but I feel there’s still room for more shaping up…

Every day I think what a marvelous place this is and how lucky I am to have the constant presence of beauty in my life.
-May Sarton
"At Eighty-Two, A Journal"

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Something vs. Nothing

It's essential to look like winners, for a business just as for an army. Whoever lets it be seen that he's in trouble, whoever escapes, disappears, or retreats, has already lost. Eat, drink, fuck. As if nothing had happened, as if nothing were happening.
-Robert Saviano
"Gommorah"

Twenty-five years ago today
March 26, 1986
Wednesday

It was a regular routine day: A day of work and a visit to the gym.

Mark Landreth and I did our usual ‘gut workout’ routine. It feels good. I learned that Mark lives in San Lorenzo.

There is still no sign of Chad.

Mike Miller telephoned last night.
Mike said, “Chad is going skiing with his younger brother and he invited me to go with him but I don’t feel like going somewhere icy.”
I thought that was interesting information. Mike came over to my house and we watched a movie called “The Killing Fields”. Mike left after the movie. I was tired and went upstairs to bed before the movie was over.

I bought Joy a few items for her baby shower that is planned at work tomorrow.

Amy is still around. She telephoned me yesterday. She’s sweet but I’m not sure whether I will ‘tie down’ with her. It’s a big decision.
I can't wait until my brief getaway on my twenty-seventh birthday to Palm Springs.
I feel good about writing 'something vs. nothing'. I think this Journal #14 will be ending in a few days. My new Journal #15 will likely have Amy Platt as my primary personal topic.

I am told that, with a little practice, one can remember all that goes on or that one hears said during a day.
-Stieg Larsson
"The Girl Who Played With Fire"

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Confidence Builder

Life should be exceptional, not predictable.
-Alicia Drake
"The Beautiful Fall: Fashion, Genius,
and Glorious Excess in 1970's Paris"
Twenty-five years ago today
March 25, 1986
Tuesday

It’s funny how Chad is becoming a distant memory now. When I heard the song “Separate Lives” by Phil Collins today I remembered how it—sort of---reminded me of him. It’s because the song was released when we met. Now the lyrics seem to fit to us as well. Oh well…

I need to make some decisions by next Friday as to where I will spend my vacation week in May. I want to go to Palm Springs. So…I’ll see.

Lyrics to “Separate Lives”:
You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you’re alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can’t go on just holding on to time
Now that we’re living separate lives

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we’re living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, it’s so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Separate lives
I did it. I’m leaving on May 27th, the day after my birthday from the Oakland Airport to LAX and then on to Palm Springs. I will stay at a place called Michael’s Inn and I plan to have a relaxing, good time. I have already charged my airline tickets ($108.00) through ‘Ask Mr. Foster’s’. Sue Myers in Pac Bell Oakland Travel is taking care of prepayment at my hotel with my VIP ‘sales incentive’ checks. I only used $300, so I still have $125 left over for another trip.

I went to the gym last night. Mark Landreth showed up late. We exchanged a few words though. I also learned the name of the short muscular guy. It’s David. He has a great physique but he has an ugly tattoo.

I had a good chat over the telephone with Amy.
Amy said, “I haven’t hung out with Karen in what seems like a long time—but I saw her today.”
“That’s cool, how is she doing?” I asked.
“Oh she’s fine. Oh…John asked for your phone number so you could set-up his telephone service but I didn’t give it to him because I don’t want you to get involved with him.”
“Whatever you say,” I replied.
I knew that John was a merchant marine. He does have a disheveled sort of look right now. I think it’s because of being out at sea for so long. He’s back now and if he could just shave and get a haircut he’d look better.

Steph Redding also called me. She’s down and out because some guy she had been seeing lately turned out to be engaged.
“It just blew me away, Michael!”
“I’m sure!”
Then I thought it all sounded so silly and it was possibly another ploy to get me to like her.

I’d be lying to say I don’t think of Chad but I’m beginning to feel whatever it was that we had is over.

I’m just so happy I have found Amy. I do like her sensibility and sound mind. She’s a great confidence builder, too.

Joshua, Margaret and I ate at B&M Chinese food together today. The days have been so beautiful. I have seven more weeks until my vacation.


"It is most clear to me that the majority of society are judgemental and can't let go. They need to relax with regard to sexual behavior. It's a difficult and intense subject for most to discuss."
-Dr. Steven Zlutnick, January 1989
as written in my Class Notes in my Graduate 'Human Sexuality' Course
at University of San Francisco.

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Cloud 9

An analyst is considered a scientist of the oblique and of the hidden.
-John Katzenbach
“The Analyst”

Twenty-five years ago today

March 24, 1986
Monday

I called San Francisco radio station KYUU this morning to say that I knew Dennis Oniki. It’s some sort of radio station promotional game. I gave a fictitious name though.
I said, “My name is Jared Clark.”
I asked, “Is this K101?”
“Who is Dennis Oniki?” asked the radio DJ.
“He’s a real person employed with Pacific Bell and he works in San Francisco.”
I can’t believe I actually referred to KYUU as K101. Oh well, I blew that potential win. What the hell.

Amy Platt’s coming over to my place tonight to watch the ACADEMY AWARDS with me. They start at six o’clock.

I have verifications of two job transfer requests on file: One is for ‘Copy Service Artist’ in San Jose and the other is for ‘Analyst’ in San Jose. I am crossing my fingers that something turns up. I still have not received verification of the job requests for Oakland, San Ramon, and San Francisco for the same job title descriptions (Copy Service Artist and Analyst).

I enjoyed some Chinese food with Margaret Lai and Cedric Green and some new transfer gal who comes from the Rhonert Park RTOC (Residence Telephone Order Center). The new transfer gal is named July and she’s O.W. (OverWeight). It was an okay lunch.

I owe Amy Platt the purchasing of a lottery ticket. We placed a bet for BEST ACTOR. I voted for Harrison Ford for his role in “WITNESS”. She went for William Hurt. It’s okay. She owes me two lottery tickets. Amy arrived at my place at about 7PM. We munched on raisinettes and lounged together, watching the Academy Awards.

Sydney Pollack won for his BEST PICTURE: Out of Africa
William Hurt won BEST ACTOR for The Kiss of the Spider Woman (He deserved it!).
Geraldine Page won BEST ACTRESS for The Trip to Bountiful (I’m glad she won but I was hoping for Anne Bancroft for Agnes of God).
Don Amece won Best Supporting Actor for Cocoon.
Anjelica Huston won Best Supporting Actress for Prizzi’s Honor (I thought Oprah Winfrey would win for The Color Purple).

 

Amy really is a sweet lady. I like her more and more.
“You know…you can spend the night if you want,” I suggested.
“Well…no, but I will on Friday.”
I thought, “Hmm…so it might be nice.”
I am kind of on a CLOUD 9 (or a CLOUD 8) right now. I went to bed after Amy left.


Margaret Lai saw Amy’s photograph and said, “Michael, she is gorgeous…even model material!”
I guess I could second the option; however, I didn’t say much.
Cedric Green said, “Yeah, she’s great lookin’.”
It’s not that it matters what others think. It’s I who is making a choice. I do like her lots.


Inwardly, he found himself eyeing people on the street, half fantasizing who they were, and what they did; almost envious of the simple pleasure that identity gave one.
-John Katzenbach
“The Analyst”

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Somewhere, Sometime

“Mom, I prefer boys.”
-“Just A Question of Love”, 2000 French Film

Twenty-five years ago today

March 23, 1986
Sunday

The alligator postcard sent from Africa by Paloma dated March 23, 1986:
Republique de Cote D’Ivoire; Parc National de la COMOE.

Dear Michael,
Just a few words to let you know where I am now-- As you can guess it worked with CLUB MED. I’m really happy about that. Africa is pretty exciting, really different, people from all over the world work here too (even Americans). That’s great. I’m just going to be here for a month though. And after that I don’t know yet where I’ll be sent. I’ll let you know for sure. 
Hope we can meet somewhere, sometime---
Keep writing at my mom’s.
Hope to read you soon.
Miss you—
Love,
Paloma
------------------------------------------------

Yesterday I received my IRS refund which was good news to say the least. I don’t feel any richer since I had to withdraw three thousand dollars from my CHASE Advantage account for my 1985-86 IRA Contribution. At least I have one consolidated IRA account now. I’ve noted on my calendar in June 1986 to contact Clare Chan to have her transfer my IRA’s to her DEAN WITTER firm. Clare is Margaret Lai’s contact/broker.

Amy gave me some pictures last night. I showed them to ma and pa over breakfast. They thought Amy was pretty.

I went and had my car washed and laid on the beach from 11:30AM through 1:30PM. I got a quick tan in just two hours. It was cloudy but nice as the sun appeared in-between passing clouds.
I went to mom’s house for dinner (corned beef and cabbage). Helen and Tony were there. Helen gave me a picture of Lauren. Dinner was good.

I went home at about six o’clock and finished up a little laundry. I tried to sleep when mom telephoned. I was persuaded to go back to her house and watch some of that Farrah Fawcett and Colleen Dewhurst film that I had taped last week. I went home by 10PM and fell asleep. Yawn.

Audrey Hepburn:   “They don’t look very happy.”
Albert Finney:   “Why should they? They just got married.”
-“Two For The Road”, 1967 film

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Just Between Friends

“Nowadays people know the price of everything, and the value of nothing.”
-Oscar Wilde
“The Picture of Dorian Gray”

Twenty-five years ago today

March 22, 1986
Saturday

I have consolidated my Individual Retirement Accounts. And now on June 29th I shall transfer the accounts to DEAN WITTER. That’ll be a relief.

It’s a beautiful day. I’ve decided to go bicycling to Berkeley. I left my house at eleven-thirty this morning and was back home by one-thirty this afternoon. I stopped at Lake Temescal briefly. Then I tried to take a nap on the lawn there but I couldn’t rest completely.

I have not heard from Chad at all nor do I expect to. I will probably run into him on Tuesday night at the gym.

I drove out to Karen Craven’s pad in Walnut Creek. I arrived at eight o’clock and Ed and John were there. We waited for Amy to arrive. Ed, Karen, Amy and I departed for ‘eats’ at some Italian joint in Lafayette. It made my stomach upset. The four of us went to the movies to see Mary Tyler Moore’s new flick called JUST BETWEEN FRIENDS. It was just ‘okay’.

Amy and I talked a lot before we departed. We gave a few kisses to each other as a proper goodnight.

“What you have is an idea.  An idea is high-risk!”
-Yella, 2007 German film,
starring Nina Hoss

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Checking-Up

“The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray, and the advantage of science is that it is not emotional.”
-Oscar Wilde
“The Picture of Dorian Gray”

Twenty-five years ago today

March 21, 1986
Friday

I spoke with Amy a few times today. She called me at work initially. I kind of liked that she did.
I mentioned coyly, “Maybe we can all go to a movie tonight…me, you, Karen and maybe my friend Chad can come, too.”
Amy said, “Well, I don’t know because Karen was going out with Ed tonight.”
I thought silently, “Whatever…”
I replied, “Well, at least we have the symphony for next Friday night.”

I sold four Remote Call Forwarding services today. That was great.

Mary McTiernan, Margaret Lai and I ate lunch together at THE PIZZA BOAT. I randomly bought a lottery ticket and lost.

Tomorrow is my IRA ‘visit to the bank’ day, so I went to the gym after work. I steamed and went in to the sauna briefly and went straight home. My phone rang after I was already in bed (at sometime after eleven o’clock). They hung-up after I’d answered. I wondered if it was Chad checking-up to see if I was at home or not. Whatever…It could’ve been Amy, too. (?)

“Ordinary women never appeal to one’s imagination.”
-Oscar Wilde
“The Picture of Dorian Gray”

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Hyper and Skeptical

“When you like someone a lot you can have an influence on him or her, but I cannot tell you clearly or specifically how it was. He started to behave as an ‘infant terrible’ with me and that did change things, certainly. Before me it was very tea party, yes, that was it, and after there was no more tea.”
-Alicia Drake
“The Beautiful Fall: Fashion, Genius, and Glorious Excess in 1970s Paris”

Twenty-five years ago today

March 20, 1986
Thursday

I telephoned Amy Platt from work. She was very “hyper” because she had her photo shoot scheduled in San Francisco at four o’clock and she needed to be in Concord by six o’clock for some fashion show at the Sun Valley Mall. So she rushed me off of the phone. Whatever…

I went to the gym and talked to Mark Landreth a bit. We didn’t work out together as I’d hoped this time.

Chad actually came in to the gym. He spoke to me while I was pedaling on the Life Cycle. I wished I was pedaling on a real bike to getaway but it was a stationary bike (a bum wrap).
I asked Chad, “So how was last night’s studying for your final?”
He look glary eyed.
I added, “It must have been a real heavy final.”
I was sure to add those last words given that he wouldn’t talk to me when I had called him.
Chad finally replied innocently, “I have one more final on Monday and then I’ll have a week off.”
I foolishly said, “We’ll have to do something.”
I knew full well I didn’t really want to.
“Sounds good,” said Chad, smiling a couple of more times.
I don’t know. I’m skeptical. I’m making no plans for Friday night. I’m hoping he will call me this time. I specifically instructed Larry with that message: “When he’s ready to talk have him call me.”
And so, I will not be calling him.

I telephoned Amy later this evening while I was watching THE COLBYS on television. Her photo shoot and fashion show concluded very nicely. We talked a while and then I went to bed.

I really like Amy.

“There’s always this wondrous moment when a man first takes in the sight of a woman’s body. Especially a woman’s body he hasn’t seen before. A view that is all adventure. His eyes simply cascade like water over a cliff, right down the front.”
-John Katzenback
“The Analyst”

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The Abdominal Machine

Perhaps they could never get back to that island of togetherness they had known in each other's arms.
-Nial Kent
"The Divided Path"

Twenty-five years ago today

March 19, 1986
Wednesday

Steph Redding said, “Eileen Ford will be choosing the winner of the GQ Contest soon!”
I forgot she had entered me in the contest. I’ll never win.

I telephoned Amy Platt today. She tells me she is going to do a modeling assignment for Emporium. It will be a newspaper ad for the Sacramento area.
I said, “That’s great!”
“I get about one-hundred and twenty five dollars an hour.”
“Hopefully it will go overtime,” I said.
She laughed.
Honestly, you can’t beat that hourly rate figure. I wish I could make some extra bucks that way.
Amy continued, “I’ve been in the newspaper several times before but it was always with regard to my dancing.”
I like Amy a lot. She’s intelligent, pretty and fun-to-be-with.

I had a relatively good work day (with regard to my sales results). At lunchtime I went to my bank and the health food store for a chicken-avocado sandwich. I ate near my office building on Folsom Street and sat next to Michelle Olsen for a while. I explained my current aspirations of becoming a Copy Service Artist. I recently thought of applying as a Supervisory Assistant in Directory Yellow Pages. It’s a cut in pay by twenty-three dollars a week, so I decided against it. Besides that the Supervisor would give me all of the shit work that he/she didn’t want to do.

After work I ate the rest of that leftover pizza from last night. Then I hopped in my car and drove to the gym in San Leandro.

Mark Landreth showed up and we worked out together, taking turns on the abdominal machine. We kept increasing the weights. It was a good work out. Mark gave me some good tips. I’m thankful.
Mark said, “Meet here tomorrow night and we’ll do the same workout.”
I was thrilled that he suggested our meeting up tomorrow 'at the same bat station/same bat time'. I learned that Mark went to Arroyo High School in San Lorenzo. He seems respectable enough.


I’m at my last straw where Chad’s concerned. Not only have I been trying to speak to him over the last few days but he doesn’t return my messages.


Tonight at ten o’clock I telephoned again and Larry answered the phone.
“Is Chad there?”
Larry answered, “Well, he’s studying for a final.”
I couldn’t believe he couldn’t talk to me for a minute. I definitely don’t need to pity myself for him.
I replied to Larry, “Just tell him when he feels like talking to me to give me a call.”
And so, the day he does call I have it all planned out: “Oh…I’m so glad you called but can I call you right back?”
And then, I will NOT return his call. And we’ll see how he likes a bit of his own medicine. I really don’t need this student freeloading delinquent. In fact, I’m considering a question for Mark Landreth.
It might go something like this: “Hey Mark, do you think you might be interested in becoming my roommate?”
We’ll see.


I watched the end of DYNASTY. It was okay.


This weekend I have no real plans. I plan to hit the gym on Friday and probably just ‘stay home’. On Saturday I have to do my IRA dealings with GREAT WESTERN SAVINGS. Then I may go bicycling and lie under the sun for a while. I doubt I will go out on Saturday night. I know Karen has a date with Ed. Amy and I have made no plans as of yet. I kind of want to ask Mark Landreth to share a beer with me this Friday night (maybe). He’s a nice chap. Or perhaps Amy and I can see a movie together. Who knows?


I am going to need to make a decision soon (within the next two weeks) about my vacation in May. (?)

Monsieur Dior was known for his exquisite manners, modesty and good taste. He was a lover of women, if not carnally then at least in the ideal. In the Dior studio at the time, Yves St. Laurent was like a little girl. He was very odd. He was someone who never spoke, always silent. It is strange but when you are passive to that extent, you can dominate. And Yves, what atracted him to Pierre Berge? Was it the compelling sexual force of the man or the powerful mind?
-The Beautiful Fall:
Fashion, Genius, and Glorious Excess in 1970's Paris

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Self-Explanatory

PHOTO: Jacques de Bascher 1951-1989
(muse and lover of fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld)

Growing up a homosexual in the 1940's in most places carried an overwhelming burden of guilt, self-hate and shame; perhaps not for everyone, but certainly for Yves St. Laurent.
'He was someone who couldn't admit his sexuality to begin with; perhaps he didn't even know it then or at least he wasn't completely concious of it, and yet he was already ashamed of what he was.'
-Alicia Drake
"The Beautiful Fall: Fashion, Genius, and Glorious Excess in 1970's Paris

Twenty-five years ago today

March 18, 1986
Tuesday

It’s back to work.  It wasn’t so bad.  The three day weekend helped.  I needed that.

Today was even more beautiful than yesterday. At lunchtime Mary McTiernan and I ate at THE PIZZA BOAT.  It was yummy good.

After work I did my bicycling run until six-thirty.  I was going to hit the gym but Karen and Amy had plans to go to the Oakland Airport, so I invited them to come over to my house since I’m so nearby.
Amy said, “We’ll be there by nine o’clock.”

I didn’t even talk to Chad this time.  He knew I had called three times yesterday.
Larry had said, “All I know is that Chad told me it was none of my business as to why he wasn’t returning your calls.”
That was all I needed to hear.  I’m a little fed up with Chad’s games. And so what did I do? I called him again at 7:15PM—but he wasn’t home, so forget it!

Amy and Karen came over and we watched some of that Sidney Sheldon book turned into TV-movie called IF TOMORROW COMES.  We started to watch a bit of “A LITTLE SEX” after I explained how it was one of my all-time favorite movies.
It was fun to see their expressions when I asked, "Do you want to watch A LITTLE SEX?"
We had to cut the movie short as I had to guide them via my car to the Oakland Airport from my house.

Once I returned home I decided to go to sleep. I think Amy and Karen liked my place. We actually ordered a pizza which cleaned me out of my spare change.

I received a phone call from Bonni Jayne earlier in the evening. We talked about Elisa, a fellow high-school pal. Apparently Bonni had called Elisa. That phone called triggered a call from Elisa to me. Elisa and I had a nice chat. She’s pregnant again and is due in seven weeks. Wonders never cease.


I also received a surprise phone call from Lorraine Garcia, the former receptionist gal at my gym.  She’s doing pretty well and is still living happily in Santa Rosa.  Her mom died in January and I felt bad about that.  Lorraine and I were actually chatting away on the phone while Amy and Karen were in my pad.  I explained to Lorraine that Amy and Karen were visiting. I didn’t say a lot about them. I imagine it was self-explanatory.


Dale Orlando had made a comment yesterday about knowing Richard Clark.
I said, “Yeah, I haven’t seen him in a long time.”
Dale nodded, “Yes, that’s what Rick said.”
I made no further inquiry about it. I know he was dying for me to ask the circumstances behind his running into Rick Clark—but I did not.


"Love is dangerous."
"If you know it's dangerous, that makes you treasure it, and you'll work harder to keep it."
"Love makes everything have more meaning."
-Candace Bushnell
"Sex and the City"

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If Tomorrow Comes

"I'll never forget this day--my last day with you.  And I don't know when I'll see you again."
The words of a lover, Tom thought.
-Patricia Highsmith
"The Boy Who Followed Ripley"

Twenty-five years ago today

March 17, 1986
Monday

I had a bite of breakfast at mom’s house. Then Ashley and I went to Lafayette to meet Amy and Daniel for lunch. We went to the park and ate Chinese food. We went over to the swings on the playground while at the park. We fed the ducks, too. It was a quaint early afternoon. By 2PM I was on my way home.

Ashley and I were both tired. Ash fell asleep at mom’s house. Mom was there, so that left me to freely go for a bike ride in my newly arrived bib shorts. I looked sexy in them. I heard a few honking of the car horns as I swiftly rode passed high traffic intersections. There were a number of double-takes in my direction. It was kind of fun.

I stopped by John’s house but Ashley wasn’t there, so I went to mom and dad’s house to get her. She was still sleeping at 5PM. When she woke up I took her home.

After dropping Ashley off at her house I slept at my own place until 7PM. I decided to head out for the gym. Rick was there. Leonard was just leaving.
Leonard informed me, “This is my last week in Hayward. I’ve had it with this area.”
I think I said something like, “You have to do what’s right for you.”
I was really thinking, “Whatever, man.”

Mark Landreth spoke to me for a while.
Mark said, “I haven’t been here since last Tuesday or Wednesday.”
I said, “Your SUNKIST shirt makes me thirsty.”
Mark laughed.
As our respective workouts continued I asked Mark, “Are you taking another break?”
“It’s good for me.”

After the workout I telephoned Chad at around nine-thirty but he wasn’t there. I had previously called and left a message with Larry at around three o’clock. Chad never returned my call.

I watched Sidney Sheldon’s movie “IF TOMORROW COMES” and then went to bed.

Things crossed my mind while in bed. I realized that Chris Cordellos had taken my NEWS STAFF short-sleeved shirt that I like so much (Creep!). I think I will have Karen Craven cut my hair the next time. She says she knows how to cut hair.




At some point after everyone else was asleep, I wandered away from the inn in a daze and ended up on the sea cliffs, staring out into the darkness with the sound of the roaring water below me.
-Arthur Golden
"Memoirs of a Geisha"

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Irresistable Kisses

"I can scarcely bid you goodbye, even in a letter. 
I always made an awkward bow.
God bless you!"
-Ian McEwan
"ENDURING LOVE"

Twenty-five years ago today

March 16, 1986
Sunday

I did finally telephone Chad at 9:30AM this morning. Larry answered the phone.
“Oh…he’s still asleep.”
“Okay, I’ll try later.”
And so I showered and went over to mom’s house to have breakfast.

I escaped on an exhilarating bike ride. It was very cold though, so I turned around. I watched a tape movie that I really, really liked called DRESS GRAY, starring some new actor named Alec Baldwin who is a year older than me. He shows off his hairy chest in the movie.

Chad telephoned at around one-thirty this afternoon.
Chad asked, “So what happened yesterday?”
“Oh…I was with Amy and Karen.”
“Why wasn’t I called?”
I replied nonchalantly by saying, “Well, it was so spur of the moment.”
I could tell he wasn’t very pleased. There was silence.
I asked, “Why don’t we just go out this evening to CROGAN’s in Walnut Creek?”
“Okay.”
“Do you want to come over now?” I asked.
Chad replied, “Well, I’m off to the gym and then…”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I’ll call you when I get back home.”
“Okay.”


I telephoned Chad three times. Finally the clock ticked at six-thirty and I decided to head for Walnut Creek.
I left a message for Chad asking politely, “Why don’t you just meet us at CROGANS?”
I had fun with Amy and Karen as we had escargot, Cajun popcorn, bread, clam chowder, Bailey’s Coffee, a daiquiri and a Brandy Alexander. In the middle of the drinks and food we talked about sex, and strange sexual happenings. It was fun.


I was home by almost midnight and I found that Chad had been by and wrote me a note. He also left my house key along with some casual shorts and a shirt that he had borrowed from me.


Chad’s NOTE:
I had finals this week and hoped we could meet up to “work things out”.
There is no one else and I hope you will return the key with one of your irresistible kisses.

I didn’t quite understand—but then again—I did.
I telephoned him at precisely midnight. Once again he was sleeping.
Larry said, “Let me try to wake him up.”
When Larry returned to the phone he said, “He just mumbled nothings. He’s asleep.”

The stupid neither forgive nor forget;
the naive forgive and forget;
the wise forgive but do not forget.
-Martin Booth
"The Industry of Souls",
a novel

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Supposedly Together

Loving someone is helping them when they get into trouble, and looking after them, and telling them the truth.
-Mark Haddon
"The Cruious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time"

Twenty-five years ago today

March 15, 1986
Saturday

I woke up to a phone call from Al Martinez, a coworker.
Al asked, "Are you coming in to the City to help Margaret?"
"Yes, I'm leaving now."

I got up and readied myself, driving to David Vigil’s house. We all helped Margaret move from San Francisco to her new house in El Sobrante, CA. It rained but that didn’t stop us. Mary McTiernan and Kelly McLaughlin also showed up to help. After we all unloaded the truck in El Sobrante we were treated by Margaret at ‘That Dam Big Restaurant’ on San Pablo Dam Road. It was fun. Every time someone opened the door it made the sound of a “DAM” big fart. We all laughed about that.

After the late lunch I was home by three o’clock and took a nap. I didn’t call Chad at all.

I received a phone call from Amy.
“We’re going to LILY’s again and then dancing to THE OASIS, want to come?”
“I’ll meet you there between seven-thirty and eight,” I replied happily.

I probably should have called Chad but I didn’t. I just went on my merry way to The City.

I met Ed. Ed is some older fellow that Karen kind of likes. He’s ugh. Amy and I were ‘supposedly together’ as a couple. We went to THE OASIS and danced. There was momentary panic as Amy’s purse was taken. Luckily, it was turned in to the coat check because my wallet was in her purse! Of course, my cool little address book and my money was gone from my wallet.


Later that night Amy and I were cuddling. We made out in my car and the windows started to get steamed up. Before I knew it the time was 2:55AM. We departed lovingly.


I was home in Alameda by 3:30AM. Yawn.

"I could experience adventure by reading a book.
Adventures to me meant simply amazing escapes from physical danger, rescues, being lost and found, triumphing in disaster..."
-Janet Frame, An Autoiography

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A Delightful Change

She thought of the sheer pleasure she got from riding the bicycle, of the exhilaration that rose in her as she felt the bicycle gather speed under her, the panting sense of accomplishement as she reached the top of the slope and the rush of the wind in her hair and under her sari as she went down the other side. Then there was the freedom to come and go as she pleased.
-Shyam Selvadurai
"Cinnamon Gardens", a novel

Twenty-five years ago today

March 14, 1986
Friday

Well, I worked along merrily despite my latest feeling of blues over being at my current job. I hope I get this Copy Service Artist position. It would be a delightful change.

After work I went over to meet with Karen and Amy in the Marina district, near the Golden Gate Bridge. That’s where they were shooting some photos. From there we went to LILY’s to mingle. Then we moved over to BARNABY’s and back to LILY’s and over to BARNABY’s one more time. I made it home by midnight. It was fun. I was feeling good.

When I arrived home Chad called me.
Chad said, “Yeah, I went to the gym tonight and I was wondering where you were.”
“Oh, well I went out with SOME FRIENDS.”
We actually made tentative arrangements to meet at my place tomorrow (Saturday). We’re going to watch a TV movie that I taped starring Farrah Fawcett and Colleen Dewhurst called BETWEEN TWO WOMEN.

Of all of England's rulers, none has ever understood as well as Queen Elizabeth I that the key to monarchy is theater. Her courtier favorites, men like Leicester and Essex, had always pretended they were in love with her.
What is theater and what is real?
One mirrors the other.
-Edward Rutherford
"LONDON", the novel

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Rain or Shine

"That much butter could kill a guy."
"That much woman could kill a guy."
-as heard in the 2000 film
"WOMAN ON TOP"

Twenty-five years ago today

March 13, 1986
Thursday

There is still no word to Chad. There is still no word from Chad.

I telephoned Amy Platt several times. It was her day-off, so she escaped the Lafayette household. I left two or three messages at her (temporary) home phone in Walnut Creek.

I did not work very hard today. I worked just enough to get by with a decent sales day.

I received a surprise phone call from Jim Koran in Los Angeles.
Jim said, “Hey Mike, I’m planning a trip up there in April.”
“Oh yeah, well we have to get together.”
“Yeah, and by the way—do you think you could look up a non-published number for me?”
I thought silently, “Oh, so that’s why he called me.”
“Uh, sure…who does the number belong to?” I asked.
“It’s just some actor named Bill Beyers.”
I gave him the information.

Margaret Lai is definitely moving on Saturday ‘rain or shine’.
Margaret said, “You know, Michael. Whether it’s rain or shine I feel my mother will watch over me.”
Margaret’s mother is dead, so I thought that was good for her to feel this way.

I telephoned Chris Cordellos to confirm his house call for cutting my hair.

Chris came by and cut my hair. We watched that show called THE COLBYS afterward. Chris shared a few stories about his job. He is in another world compared to mine right now. It seems as you lose touch with certain friends things are never the same. Chris spent the night—much to my dismay. I didn’t really mind. We’re good enough friends. He gave me a haircut, too.

Amy Platt returned my phone call while I was doing an acrylic painting of CHILLY WILLY on canvas. We confirmed lunch on Monday in Lafayette, CA. Amy disclosed that she had some modeling photo shots done today. I may meet up with her and Karen in San Francisco after work at a place called LILY’s. If there’s no meeting there is always Saturday or Sunday.

I also spent some time sketching a bicycle that Chad gifted me for Christmas.

I will have to make a decision soon about my vacation in May.

I was remembering what Amy had revealed to me before, “I was actually engaged twice.”
“You were?” I asked. “What happened?”
“The first guy was killed in an auto accident only days before our planned marriage. The other one I just broke it off.”
Karen interjected, “It was a good move because they were both too much alike.”
I was excited that Amy knew of the character CHILLY WILLY. I hope I get this Copy Service Artist job now because I feel good about my art works now. I’m crossing my fingers.


Tony, my brother, reached excellence last month in the SDC office. This is a rare occurrence for a new person to the department. I confronted him.
“So Tony, did Dennis Reno give you some leads?”
Tony replied, “Oh no, I just take a lot of calls.”
I thought to myself, “Right…sounds fishy—but whatever.”


"Why don't you pick up a pen and correct people's misimpressions?"
-Abigail Adams to John Adams
2008 Film, JOHN ADAMS

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Pondering the Idea

"Do you intend to torment me much longer?"
-Daniel Deronda,
2002 Film

Twenty-five years ago today

March 12, 1986
Wednesday

I hate that buzzard alarm clock!

I went to work and managed to complete a very good sales day (considering I was off the phone part of the day while taking care of service committee functions like our sub-sandwich sales).

I telephoned Steph Redding for inspirational talk but she didn’t have any real big news. Her laryngitis is clearing up now.

I have not heard from Chad Mark Glen at all.
Chad had said, “I went to the gym last Thursday.”
I know he knew that I wouldn’t be there because of my Sushi night outing. I wonder if that’s why he made a point of going at that time. I have chosen to NOT call him either.

I was able to acquire a great new residential number for Leonard Perillo: 655-0555. The number is for his new Emeryville apartment.

I worked out at the gym for a good hour. I dropped by SAFEWAY and bought some of my favorite mineral-filled foods (sardines, yogurt, almonds, milk, bananas and apples). I watched DYNASTY and went straight to bed.

I’ve been pondering the idea of calling on George Jones once again. I located his work telephone number. I may give him a ring. I have not heard from him since last October 1985.

I found out about air-fare to Palm Springs, Hawaii and Florida. Palm Springs is only $78 round-trip from Oakland. It seems to be the cheapest bet.

I ordered some new bib bike shorts from Los Angeles from a sports connected catalog. I hope I like them.

Chris Cordellos will be cutting my hair tomorrow.

I’ve decided to call Amy Platt. I’m going to see about she and her nanny kid, Daniel, having lunch with me and my niece, Ashley, on Monday. Time will tell.

"I soon was making the journey that changed my life forever--one that brought me from self-hatred, loneliness, and despair to self-acceptance and love."
-Michael Kozuch
"Telling Tales Out of School", edited by Kevin Jennings

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Intellectual Expression

"Sometimes I think I can put up with anything."
-A WOMAN IN BERLIN, 2008 film

Twenty-five years ago today

March 11, 1986
Tuesday

Every time I call DIRECTORY Yellow Pages I hear not-so-good-news regarding current openings. There seems to be only Staff Clerk or Administrative type positions right now.

My sales day was not the greatest on this Tuesday.

Steph Bautista presented me with my most recent job evaluation. I was rated as all “HIGH”. She is going to sign me up for the ASR (Account Service Representative) test. If I pass this test I don’t think I will accept a job offer. It’s not what I really want.

Steph Redding telephoned.
“Michael, I sent your pictures in as an entry for the GQ Contest to Eileen Ford in New York today.”
I replied, “Well, that’s a plus…but I think my chances are slim at best.”
Her comments made me wonder what Steph actually wrote about me. I imagine it was only good things. She’s sweet.

I bought bunches of lettuce and a SPORTS Fitness magazine that had a major feature about bicycling. It’s good.

I telephoned Chris Cordellos today. He is coming over to my house on Thursday to cut my hair. He’s so nice to do that. What a chum.

But beauty, real beauty, ends where an intellectual expression begins. Intellect is in itself a mode of exaggeration, and destroys the harmony of any face.
-Oscar Wilde
"The Picture of Dorian Gray"

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Career Paths

"If there's one thing we Americans know is to fight for what we want."
-Anne Bancroft
"Haven", 2001 film starring Natasha Richardson

Twenty-five years ago today

March 10, 1986
Monday

I had a talk with Steph Bautista, my boss, about career paths today. We discussed ASR (Account Service Representative). She is hoping to lead me in that direction.
I said, “I guess I can take the test for ASR.”
Now I am debating whether I want to take the ASR test at all. I’d rather transfer to another department altogether. I’m tired of being a Service Representative and/or an Account Executive. The ASR position is just another formal way of being a Representative in Business Marketing. Who dreams up these job titles?

I submitted some more job transfer requests. I chose one for ‘Analyst’ in San Francisco, San Jose or Oakland and ‘Copy Service Artist’ in San Jose. We shall see what happens.

I had a good workout at the gym. I saw Leonard Perillo. We had a nice and friendly talk.
Leonard said, “My employee, Patrick, will be calling you for a good telephone number.”
“No problem, I’ll look into it for him,” I replied.
Leonard’s really very cool. We shall see.

I meant to call the Travel Bureau today to find out how much a round-trip ticket to Palms Springs would be versus a round-trip ticket to Florida. Oh well, I’ll add it to my list.

I received a letter from Paloma (see letter on February 27, 2010 BLOG). She seems to be in good spirits.

I spoke to Amy Platt a lot during my work hours yesterday. She is very sweet. I just don’t know…

I keep thinking about my options: ASR (Account Service Representative), Directory Yellow Pages lateral move or downgrade, Analyst or Copy Service Artist. We shall see. I don’t believe I want the ASR channel after all.

Suzy Miller telephoned last night. She received a job offer in San Francisco as Communications Tech. She is so very indecisive about accepting it. It sounds like my current predicament.

"The longest journey begins with a single step."
-PRECIOUS, 2009 motion-picture

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A Singular Sensation

"I wish I could love...but I seem to have lost the passion, and forgotten the desire.  I am too much concentrated on myself.  My own personality has become a burden to me.  I want to escape, to go away, to forget."
-Oscar Wilde
"The Picture of Dorian Gray"


Twenty-five years ago today

March 9, 1986
Sunday

It was breakfast at mom’s house again.

I telephoned Chad later and made arrangements to drive over to his place in Castro Valley.

I was feeling a bit down about Chad and I.  I felt a slightly uncomfortable sensation when I first laid eyes on him.  We went to Southland Shopping Mall in Hayward with cordial spirits.  I  bought some new REEBOKS tennis shoes.  Then we went to BAY FAIR Shopping Mall in San Leandro for a bit and made it back to his place in Castro Valley.  We kind of took a nap.  We both felt lazy.

At about five o’clock we got up and got ready to go for an outing to the Chabot Theater.  Larry was kind enough to treat us to some noodles, so we took him up on the serving.

Before arriving at Chabot Theater we stopped at SAFEWAY for snacks.  We ended up seeing “TWICE IN A LIFETIME”, starring Ann-Margret and “A CHORUS LINE”.  It was good.   It was a singular sensation.  I enjoyed it.

PHOTO: Amy Platt, Summer 1988

While watching “A CHORUS LINE” I couldn’t help but think of Amy Platt, knowing that she is from New York.  She also told me she was a ballet dancer.

"Always take the one you like best."
-"Just A Question Of Love",
a 2000 French Film

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Staying Home

“Who knows what lies ahead?”
-UDAAN, 2010 film from INDIA

PHOTO: Michael J Armijo, Amy Platt
at my Christmas Party, December 19, 1987

Twenty-five years ago today

March 8, 1986
Saturday

I had breakfast at mom and dad’s house this morning. I went bicycling but got caught in the rain. I got drenched.

Al Martinez, one of my coworkers, called me about the Chinese Parade going on in The City today. I wasn’t in the mood to drive in to The City on my day off.

Chad ended up having to work late. As it turned out I felt nauseous. I didn’t want to go out at all.

I learned from my telephone conversation with Amy Platt that she and Karen were going to Bobby McGee’s tonight. Then they changed their minds and decided to go to “The Oasis” in San Francisco instead. I didn’t feel like going, so I went to bed at 9:30PM. Yesterday and tonight were simply not ‘outing nights’ for me this weekend. I'm staying home. Yawn.

“It’s dangerous to tell the truth.  If you tell the truth they may not love you anymore.”
-HIS SECRET LIFE,
a 2002 Italian film

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Time To Myself

"The other world is a club I wish not to join."
-Quentin Crisp
"The Naked Civil Servant", 1975 Film

Twenty-five years ago today

March 7, 1986
Friday

The weather is starting to look gloomy once again. I am supposed to be seeing Chad tonight. I just realized that at midnight it will be four months since we officially met.

Work passed. I didn’t see Chad after all. He was photo-assisting at an “Eddie and The Tide” concert at Centennial Hall in Hayward, CA.
“Why don’t you come to the concert?”
Chad urged me to attend but I didn’t. It was pouring down rain. I needed “TTM” (Time To Myself). I remained home and watched FALCON CREST. I also created a glossary of acronyms (if the letters are in quotes the word is actually pronounced versus saying the letters):

OG: Old Geezer
OGMO: Old Geezer Grossing Me out
GMO: Gross Me Out
“OGMOSIS”: A Group of Old Geezers Grossing Me Out
G”MAB”: Give Me A Break
MT: My Type
PBL: Possibility
QBL: Questionably gay
OBV: Obviously gay
VVR: Very Very Ridiculous
“PineVok”: A Pineapple Vodka
OW: Overweight
TOL: Tub Of Lard
SII: Suck It In
“LIAHO”: Let It All Hang Out
LT: Like That (actually snap your fingers)
BB: Bleached Blond
NMT: Not My Type
JR: Just Right
“WAB”: What a Bone!
“WAG”: What a Gut or Geek or Goob!
PAE: Parts Are Edible
TMF: Too Many Freckles
QF: Quick Fuck
“ELF”: Everlasting Fuck
“DA”: Dumb Ass
NB: Not Bad
“NIM”: Not In The Mood
OOI: Out OF It
GTTM: Grody To the Max
CFMP: Come Fuck Me Pumps

STS: She’s Too Sleazy
“NOYB”: None Of Your Business
OOS: Out of Shape
NBD: No Big Deal
BS: Bull-Shit
CE: Cute Eyes
GB: Great Body
SSB: Some Smooth Body
VCO: Vision the Clothes Off
CMF: Catch My Flight
“NAH”: Nipples Are Hard
GTE: Getting Too Excited
TMO: Turn Me On (or OFF)
G”MAK”: Give Me a Kiss
DYU: Do You Understand?
NP: No Problem
LOF: Lack Of Funds
“AYAGAYL”: Are You As Good As You Look?
“JAF”: Just A Fantasy
IMC: International Male Catalog ‘material’
“GOOT”: Get Out Of Town
TTM: Time To Myself
“WAC”: Wise-Ass Chick
C”MUMM”: Can’t Make Up My Mind
SFH: Sent From Heaven
GTH: Go To Hell
YFS: Your Feet Smell/Stink
“TIBD”: Tomorrow It’ll Be Over
DPS: Damn Pretty Smile
L”FAP”: Looking For A Prince or Princess

LBC: Let’s Be Choosy
LBS: Let’s Be Selective
FIL: Falling In Love
HF: High-Fashion
RMB: Ride My Bike
RH “Factor”: Receding Hairline Factor
PG: Pretty Good
I”NAR”: I Need A Raise
HS: High-Standards
E”FAT”: Escape From All of This
CD: Calm Down
NMOT: Not Much On Top
NA: Nice Ass OR Not Applicable
SOS: Same Old Shit
“SAND”: Start A New Day
TTR: “Try To Relax”
H”BAD”: How Bout A Drink
G”FAN”: Good For A Night
DP: Definite Possibilities
ANP: A New Position
DBS: Damn Big Schnozzel (Nose)
R”FAB”: Ready For A Break
I”NAB”: I Need A Break
GSD: Good Stiff Dick
PST: Play Some Tunes
JPR: Just Plain Relax
“WAFA”: What A Fucken-Asshole”
“BAN” W: Buy A New Wardrobe!
MDC: My Dream Car
T”MAJ”: Tell Me A Joke
G”FAK”: Go Fly A Kite
OE: Old Enough
YMO: You’re Missin’ Out
GTB: Go To Bed
FOC: Full of Complements
“OMH”: Over My Head
TDY: Too Damn Young
OTR: On The Rag
TDH: Tall Dark and Handsome
TDB: Tall Dark and Beautiful
TDO: Too Damn Old

"I had it both ways...just like Oscar Wilde."
-"The Borstal Boy", 2002 Film

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The Symphony

"There's only one thing more pathetic than a woman drinking alone...
Two women, drinking alone."
-"Me and My Shadows",
a 2001 film about Life with Judy Garland

Twenty-five years ago today

March 6, 1986
Thursday

It’s another day back at the old grind. I’ve only come to learn that all of my Directory Yellow Pages transfer requests have been cancelled. I have to call the jobs hotline based on new methods for applying for the Directory job listings. How annoying. I chose to simply take the JOBS HANDBOOK home. I am going to apply for the ‘Copy Service Artist’ position in San Francisco, Oakland, and San Ramon. I’m also looking at the ‘Analyst’ position in San Ramon. I may get lucky. Who knows?

Sushi night is tonight. Margaret Lai and I went to AVANTI’s. We both browsed the JOBS HANDBOOK together. Geneva (Helen’s sister), Helen, Brian and some other lug showed up and we “sushi’d out”. The only problem was the twenty-five dollar ticket I received for parking partially in front of a driveway. Why me? Oh well…

Steph Redding telephoned and casually mentioned her birthday on March 28th. I received the tickets to the Symphony but I think I’ll invite Amy Platt. Is her surname Platt or Pratt? And is Karen's name Craven or Kraven? Whatever. I'm glad I came across Karen and Amy, drinking alone that other night. Amy’s cool.

Chad telephoned also.
“Chad, I’ve got these Symphony tickets from work.” I stated excitedly.
“Oh, I want to go.”
“I know—but I may have to go with someone from work.”
Amy seems more interested in going, so I think I will go with her. I already ‘sort of’ asked her anyway.

Steph seems to think I have a real chance in this GQ Contest.
Steph advised, “You know—I’ve made a connection with some ‘fella’ who is part owner of MTV and other affiliations.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. And guess what?”
“What?”
“He wants me to choose all of his models for his advertising.”
It seems she is a good connection (no doubt).

I was home late (like 9:45PM) because of Sushi night. I wrote out my four new Job Transfer requests. That was that. I hit the sack.

Tchaikovsky's 4th Symphony is one of his most revealing mid-career dramatic pieces. The 4th Symphony took Tchaikovsky's personal turmoil and experience and transformed them into something universal.
-Tchaikovsky, 2007 motion-picture

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GQ Contest

"There is a talent to love."
-Daniel Deronda, 2002 Movie

Twenty-five years ago today

March 5, 1986
Wednesday

I telephoned Amy when I arrived at work this morning. She was pleasant. I enjoyed speaking to her. I slyly suggested our going out together some time.
Amy said, “Yeah, sure.”
She had to get off of the phone because of Daniel. He is the kid born two days before Ashley that she cares for in Lafayette, CA. Daniel was being a nuisance. Amy was hired from the East Coast to be a sort of nanny but she got the job because of her Registered Nurse credentials.

I did fairly well at work today, considering I only worked a half-day.

I am beginning to think seriously about Amy—but then again—I’m not really sure yet.

Steph Redding is entering me in some GQ Contest. I could win work for the next two years totaling a minimum of $50,000 plus. She makes it all sound too good to be true. It’s all dependent on if I win.
Steph says, “You could win, Michael. I just need two pictures of you.”
“Well, I’m skeptical. I can’t help it…but I’ll send you a couple of pictures tomorrow.”

I rode my bike from 3:45PM until about 5:30PM today. I ate a bit at home and crashed until 7:30PM when I proceeded to go to the gym for the Wednesday night workout. It was a fair, not-so-great workout. I made it home just in time for DYNASTY.

I telephoned Chad just before I went to bed and left him a message on his machine. He must’ve been home because he called me back within ten minutes.
“I’ve been working so much lately,” Chad explained.
“Yeah, me too…so are you up for Friday?” I asked.
“Yes sure.”
We had a nice talk. I learned that Randy has been hanging out with Larry a lot lately.
Chad readily revealed, “I don’t like Randy much. I think he’s out to use Larry.”
“You think so?”
Chad continued, “Yeah, you know—I had this dream that I beat Randy up.”

I soon went to bed.
I thought silently, "I hope I win that GQ Contest now.  If I do it would be fun.  Oh well…if I don’t I’ll still be happy.  Life could be worse."

With deep denial and shame, I unconciously believed that too would change.  I learned to ignore fleeting thoughts and shameful feelings that meant I was gay.
-"Telling Tales Out of School"
a book edited by Kevin Jennings

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A Simple Infatuation

My mood is extremely low. I am in the perennial panic of not knowing how to handle my life.
-May Sarton
Journal Entry October 15, 1993
"At Eighty-Two, A Journal"

Twenty-five years ago today

March 4, 1986
Tuesday

I went to bed early last night because I couldn’t wait for today. I am anxious to see Karen tonight.

Chad said, “I may go to the gym on Monday night.”
I was there. He wasn’t. We are supposed to see each other on Friday night but I’ve come up with new limitations where we’re concerned.

I did not go to that Career Directions seminar after all. I decided to go home and bike ride. Then I got ready for my ‘heavy date’ with Karen and Amy.

We ended up meeting at CROGAN’s in Walnut Creek. Karen and Amy ran into ‘Dave and Kevin’ who happened to be a couple of guys that they had met before. After a drink I left in my car and re-met Karen and Amy at BAXTER’s. I saw Denise Vinsonhaler there but I pretended not to notice.

I had a good time with Karen and Amy. I liked getting to know Amy a little better as I witnessed Denise being grossly flirtatious. I thought about Denise for a split-second and realized that it was no wonder that her ex-boyfriend treated her like shit. I continued getting to know Amy.

As the night came to an end we all left (Amy, Karen and I). I decided to return to Karen’s Apartment intercom to announce myself to see if she would let me in and hopefully spend the night. She didn’t. I guess she was afraid I’d molest her. There was some old lady on the lower balcony who gave me a cup of tea.  I was slightly intoxicated so the courteous tea gift made me feel better.  I felt I could drive home despite the foggy night.

As I was driving home I was regretting that I had mailed those cards to Karen yesterday.  I realize now that I was a simple infatuation.  I misread her friendliness for much more.  It must have been something about her keen, irresistible eyes.

I do think I like Amy now.  She’s kind of special.  I hugged and kissed her on the cheek as a brief good night gesture.  It’s true that I did return to Karen’s front steps and spoke to her via her intercom.  Karen was nice enough to give me directions.  She didn’t invite me inside her apartment after I had asked.  I think she was afraid.   It was funny how that old woman gave me some of her tea. I ended up burning my tongue. The tea was much too hot.  I made it home safely.  It was so mysterious, driving through the foggy mist.

He had, he thought, become a man of far fewer words.
-John Katzenbach
"The Analyst"

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