-Michael Cunningham
"The Hours"
Twenty-five years ago today
December 20, 1985
Friday
At least I received my check for $86.18 today. It helps. Anything helps, actually.
Chad seemed upset this morning---but not at me. He is having lunch with Rick. He is some other guy at our gym who happens to be treating Chad for his Birthday. Chad introduced me to him.
I commented by saying, “Well, tell Rick I said HI.”
“No! I hate to talk about you to other people,” Chad retorted seriously.
That was a low blow. I didn’t appreciate it. Sometimes I think Chad often speaks before he thinks. Am I just overly sensitive?
Dad telephoned me last night. We exchanged a few kind words as he invited me over.
“Well, I have to wrap more gifts—but I’ll come over on Saturday.”
Tonight is ‘Celebration and Good Bye’ night at Barnaby’s for Karyn Kossoff. I may go for a little while but not too long. Mary McTiernan and Chad are probably going to go, too.
Mary McTiernan and I walked to Barnaby’s from the office. I saw Elizabeth Center en route to the bar/restaurant. Michelle Falls showed up as did the rest of the gang (Bob Gross, Kelly, Ryan, Chad, Ron, Shelly, Bryan, etc.). Karyn and I had a few dances. She gave me all of this hogwash about how she cares so much about me.
She said, “You need to come to terms with your sexuality.”
I—kind of—don’t appreciate her analysis. I’m perfectly fine and happy living the way I’m living.
Chad and Mary acted like ‘an item’ for most of the evening. Ryan and Chad were outside together ‘shooting the breeze’. Who knows what they were talking about?
We all walked back to my car. I dropped Mary and Ryan off at their requested locations.
Chad confessed, “I was holding Ryan’s hand in the backseat.”
During the walk to my car Chad made a couple of comments.
Chad blurted blindly, “Yeah, Michael’s Spanish—so you know that means he was brought up on the other side of the tracks.”
I feel I’ve had a way better upbringing than Chad, Ryan or Mary. I don’t know why he said that. It makes no sense. Then Chad made another drunkard comment about how I ought to go to my “Versateller Machine” and get more money out. I’m not sure if I can trust Chad anymore. Does he think I’m stupid? Am I being used? Is it all a waste of time? No, he cares a lot about me. It’s just that there are times when his behavior reminds me of Dale Orlando! He speaks before he thinks! In a strange way this is good because he can’t take back what he says. It’s already been heard.
Chad and I drove to my place. We fell asleep by 1:30AM or so…
"Grown ups are often scared because they don't know what's important in life. That's what I'm trying to teach you. Think about all the little things going on right now to make this a happy moment. You and me, us talking, the sunrise, the smell of coffee...and you looking at my hands...avoiding my eyes."
-Marc Levy
"If Only It Were True"
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