A Natural Thing

The imminence of terror lurked in what you read, what you did for sex, how you dressed, what you thought about religion, what you knew about science, where your political allegiances lay. It drove private life underground.
-Peter Robb
"M-The Man Who Became Caravaggio"

Twenty five years ago today:

October 1, 1985
Tuesday

I am writing now at my parking lot in San Francisco on this very early morning. It looks like I actually made it to work today.

Helen’s birthday is today. I will have to call her.

I did not have the greatest sales day. I managed well enough. Margaret Lai was not at work today.

I spent my last break with Mary McTiernan. At lunchtime I went off on my own. I don’t relish Dale's company or the idea of it ‘at all’ anymore.

I telephoned Leonard and we had a short talk. I am to call him after work to see about getting a bite to eat together. I think he really likes me. I like him—but I want to know him better, too. It’s too early.

I went home and telephoned Cindy Bishop. I pushed out and delayed my commitment with FACES INTERNATIONAL until December 1st. I am leery about the whole idea now. The radio seems saturated with advertisements about it and I feel like a foolish sucker.

I telephoned Leonard once I got home but didn’t speak to him yet. I popped over to mom’s house to get some INTERNATIONAL MALE catalog items that I had ordered.

Leonard called me and he came by for a while. When he arrived I was on the phone with Danny Garcia. I guess Danny’s thinking of quitting his current job at the hair salon. He needed to vent. We had a good talk—I guess.

Leonard and I flew in his PORSCHE wheels to Berkeley’s Good Earth Restaurant. It was really good. I noticed him look at me a couple of times to see if I was looking at passers-by. Did he think I wanted them to look at me just because I was in his sports car? I didn’t satisfy his curiosity though. I could care less if anyone saw me in a fancy car. I didn’t look around. I looked straight ahead or at him.

We had a nice talk over dinner about one another. Leonard wants to marry and have kids in a couple of years. So, what else is new? It seems a natural thing to aspire to I suppose.
“Would you believe I have six attorneys?” Leonard asked.
“No,” I said, thinking he must have the bucks (apparently).
Sometimes I am jealous and envious of Leonard. Then again I sometimes feel sad for him. And yet, he leaves for Europe tomorrow afternoon.

I will see Leonard on October 22nd I suppose. Between now and then I am to get him a new Residential Telephone number. I know I can handle that easily. I will miss him but I wonder what will happen between the span of time that he is gone.

We mentioned our fears of the AIDS epidemic that is plaguing our country these days.
Leonard said, “I’d shoot myself if I got it.”
I said, “I think I’d go to another city and not tell anyone. Then I’d just write letters to close friends and family.”
I think he liked my idea (or perhaps not). He didn’t reply.

Leonard drove so fast in his Porsche (or so I thought). It’s just that the horse power is what it is = FAST. It was a great ‘joy ride’.

Leonard and I told on our first homosexual experiences. We went ‘on and on’. I upset him earlier because of my phrases like “Oh, now you’re gonna eat my bread” and other little annoying things. I guess I can understand how he’d get upset over it. Why I said it? I don’t know. Maybe I wanted to make myself feel like I had more control over him.

Leonard is so direct and straightforward (not to mention rich). I envy his qualities. I guess I’d like to be more like him in some respects. I suggested we play a game where I would disclose five of his strengths and five of his weaknesses. He didn’t go for it. I guess I can understand. It would have been pointless anyway.

By the evening end things were better between us. We departed.


I thought about keeping a journal, but I don't think I'd be able to keep it up. And who would care? Letters, though. Letters will last.
-Jason F Wright
"The Wednesday Letters"