-Kristin Scott Thomas
"Conffessions of a Shopaholic", 2009 film
These ATTORNEY and WITNESS lines are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word.
Thank you, my dear friend, Sandra Taylor-Edwards, who sent me these Attorney/Witness lines. I had to share. The dialogue was taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Twenty five years ago today:
October 23, 1985
Wednesday
I telephoned Helen and Sherri and updated them with my new telephone number: 522-1986.
Mike Miller happened to call, so I gave him the number as well. Also, mom and Leonard have the new number along with Margaret Lai.
When I called Helen she asked, “Why don’t you come by this Thursday night after the gym? Lauren has already grown and she’s smiling, too!”
I laughed, “In just a few days she’s already smiling…yeah, right!”
“It’s true.”
“Okay, I might stop by.”
I did speak to Shirley Hastings on the commuter bus to The City for a while this morning. She has gained weight and now lives in Dublin, CA. I was surprised by her ‘Bride of Frankenstein’ haircut.
I spent break time with Margaret Lai and she mentioned something interesting in-between conversations.
“Oh Michael, to see you and your ex…Rachelle…walk into a room, well you’re like eye-stoppers!”
I laughed, “Well, that’s a compliment and a half…but she’s long gone now.”
I began to wonder if she would ever try to call me, getting my disconnect recording. Ha-ha.
The dinner at La Paz wasn’t so filling but I had a good time. I happened to be seated next to Margaret Lai and Laverne Butler. The Steinhart Aquarium visit was educational and most interesting. I saw another part of the world in terms of sea life, etcetera.
My boss, Stephanie, told me that she was ordering a special Savings Bond on my behalf for my perfect attendance. That’s a nice treat.
I arrived home at 10:30PM exhausted. I went straight to bed.
"We are not what we know but what we are willing to learn."
--Mary Catherine Bateson
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